Meet the Authors!

Greetings,

I am Earl Fando, administrator and Secretary General of this blog. Let me just tell you right off the bat that this blog has absolutely nothing to do with anything written by Lemony Snicket (apart from the blog's innate capabilty to depress minors). This blog is the product of Triple Bypass Surgery Productions and also Waste of Time Productions. As you can see, we spent a great deal of time on the production names.

I will be joined here in the coming days by my collaborators (no, not in the Vichy sense). I'd like to tell you a little about them and myself, but as this is at worst a PG-13 blog, I'll have to make stuff up instead.

Earl Fando - What can I say about myself that hasn't already been said? Well, everything of course, because you've never heard of me. I fancy myself mysterious and bear a striking resemblance to Harrison Ford after a botched plastic surgery. I love everything about Britain except her hair and that nasty, blotchy bit around Weston Super-Mare (just to the left of Bristol). I am also an amateur raconteur, which is French for "Masseuse".

Stew Miller - Born in the Capital of the United States of America (Hollywood), Stew is not merely someone unfortunately named after Ireland's number one meal. He is a legend on the playgrounds of some town or another somewhere where he did something really spectacular in athletics once. He tells the story so much better than I though. He is capable of anything, and nothing, and everything, and all at once, which is really spectacular when it comes off. He is also astonishingly tall for his age.

Zimpter Fiforg - Zimpter is a complete mystery to most people including his immediate family, who , for the first 12 years of his life mistook him for an underripe radish. His first word was "Tranya" which got him mistaken for Clint Howard on occasion, despite the fact that Clint Howard looks far more like a radish than the dashing Zimpter. He is an exceptional song and dance man and knows the lyrics to every song ever written except for all the ones not beginning with the letter X.

Jorge Carlito Viejo - Star of the wildly popular and unseen television programme "What Is the Line that Is Mine?" Jorge Carlito divides time between his duties as President of Waste of Time Productions and personal man-servant to one "Cakey, the Jacked Up Clown" (Don't ask about Cakey. If you must know, Google him and make the Blogger home office happy). Despite once being nicknamed Juan Carlos, he is not related to the current King of Spain, although he does feel he could handle the job if called upon.

Chico y Jose - This deeply misunderstood, tragic, champion of a man has for years been the only thing standing between the Earth and several light-years worth of hostile intergalactic bacon. Amazingly trim for one whose off hours are spent ridding the universe of extraterrestial smoked pork products, Chico is proud to share the name of the eldest Marx Brother, and his hat as well. He is also immensely fond of golf. Really. Don't even bring up the subject around him or he'll get distracted and we'll be up to our nostrils in alien, thick-cut, peppered slices.

There will be other key contributors as well. These however are the founders, the, if you will (and if you won't, why not), bedrock of this "Dictionary". Memorise their names, and should you see them, their faces. Report them to the police immediately.