Proof that things at Newcastle United have gone bananas

Behold Newcastle's 2009-10 away strip. Perfect for inspiring dozens of obscene songs from Championships sides next season, many of them involving urine.*

Here are twelve excuses Newcastle United might offer for this monstrosity.

• The uniform design was chosen to honour their new sponsors Chiquita Bananas.
• They were supposed to be violet, but the red ink cartridge ran out on the ink jet in the team office.
• Owner Mike Ashley suggested the colour based on something he saw on the ground after a few too many at a match.**
• Someone suggested that if United's players looked like cowards, they might sneak up on some of the stronger Championship sides.
• Newcastle Brown Ale wanted something close to the shade of its product. Unfortunately, they meant before it entered the body.
• The uniforms were coated with a radioactive substance in hopes they will give players super-mutant powers.
• They hope that opposing players will fall into a hypnotic trance, giving Newcastle an extra two or three shots on goal per game.
• Players are camouflaged to look like the sun. This will cause opposing players to look away for fear of blindness. The fans are on their own, though.***
• Awful uniforms are the perfect distraction from awful football.
• Yellow is secretly Alan Shearer's favourite colour.
• You try designing a uniform with 50,000 screaming Geordie fans outside your office.
• Total apathy on the part of the design staff ...Just like some of the players.

*As an Arsenal fan, I really don't care all that much. I have great sympathy for the pain of Geordies' faced with one or more years of second division football, but I'm also happy Wolves are up in the Premiership, so things have balanced out for me, personally, FWIW.
** It was a match against Arsenal, if you must know.
*** Bonus: Many English referees will be unaffected, having lost their sight in referee school.

The Mother of All Memorial Services

Michael Jackson's memorial service is today. It would be crass and tasteless to make fun of Michael and his weird life on this day.

However, the memorial itself and most of those attending it are fair game.

Things to watch for at the Memorial*:

• Full coverage on all networks. NBC's coverage will be co-hosted by Matt Lauer and Triumph the Comic Insult Dog.
• Al Sharpton's hair will be a full three feet high for the service.
• The LAPD will do an exemplary job of crowd control until the number of wannabe mourners/gawkers passes 100,000. Then, the official orders will be given to "$%&*# it... They're on their own." This will happen at about 7 a.m.
• In an L.A. first, helicopters vying for airspace to cover the event will begin shooting at each other. Usually, this kind of L.A. violence is restricted to ground traffic.
• All pallbearers have been instructed to moonwalk.
• Tickets to the service are free for those who get them. However, Staples Center concessions will run at normal prices.**
• Celebrity mourners will be transported in the Batmobile.
• This will be the first memorial service with a full laser light show.
• CNN and Fox News will run scrolls underneath the service detailing Michael's accomplishments. E! will run a scroll underneath the service detailing the continuing search for Jeff Goldblum.
• Public viewing areas will be set up by level of interest: mildly curious, interested, fans, fanatics, Jackson impersonators, and people claiming to be Michael
• Elvis will appear and announce that he's not dead after all. At least seven people will notice.
• Free white gloves for all participants - right hand only.***

* No, Stew, not the golf tournament.
** Or 500% market value, for those who are wondering
*** OK - I realise this one and the moonwalk one might be over the line. I like to think Michael would have enjoyed them though.

Happy Independence Day!

This was the only patriotic American flag themed graphic I could bogart on short notice. I think it sums up things nicely though. America does have a habit of roundhouse kicking the cranium anyone who directly threatens her freedom. So, certain would be world-beater tyrants might want to keep that in mind, (Cough! Cough! Ahmadjenidad Cough! Cough! Kim Jung Il Cough!)

Try not to blow off any appendages tonight!

PS - Just because people will ask for one: Chuck Norris doesn't set off fireworks on July 4th. He claps his hands together for freedom and people watch the massive showers of sparks that result.

There Goes Another One

So many celebrities have passed on this past two weeks, I'm beginning to feel like an obituarist on Black Tuesday at the beginning of the Great Depression: trying to write about the people jumping out of buildings whilst looking up to make sure none of them fall on me.

I'm not really sure that's a good analogy. I expect that the only people getting a little relief from all of this news is Jon and Kate Goslein, as the paparazzi will have cleared out of their neighborhood by now and are headed to Los Angeles for Michael Jackson's funeral and the accompanying three-ring circus.*

So, let's sum up the carnage so far:

• Ed McMahon
• Farrah Fawcett
• Michael Jackson
• Gale Storm (of My Little Margie fame)
• Billy Mays
• Fred Travelena
• Harve Presnell (various films and television programmes)
• Mollie Sugden (of Are You Being Served? fame)
• Karl Malden

Now, with the possible exception of Karl Malden, once you get to Michael Jackson on that list all the "entertainment writers**" heads will be spinning so fast that they'll never even see the rest.***

Still, it's quite amazing to see so many famous people pass on in such a short time. Already, the people who do the Academy Awards "In Memorium" film have over half the production finished.

This was going to be a much longer piece. However, there's not enough space to cover each one of these individually (I wrote the piece on Ed before the Grim Reaper floodgates opened) so we'll just leave it at "God rest your souls." Besides, however odd and peculiar (and in Michael's case just plain gross) some of the alleged details of people's lives are, at the end, they're still just people. They have people who love them and are mourning for them, so there's no point in belabouring their anxiety and pain with a few cheap jokes at their loved one's expense.

Those we'll save for the maniacs who show up at the various memorial services.

R.I.P.

* With your choice of Al Sharpton or Joe Jackson as ringmaster.
** Or as we like to affectionately call them: "sleazy, hypocritical, parasitic gossip-mongers"
*** They only heard Billy.

Quick Hitters

With so many celebrities passing on this past week, I've been trying to get a piece done about that. It's quite hard to do funny, yet tasteful obituaries. Gale Storm went recently, and Mollie Sugden and Karl Malden passed today. If I were a celebrity, I'd stay in with the shutters down, but obviously that didn't help Michael Jackson.

In the meantime, here are a few quick observations to occupy anyone who's especially bored.

• I was in our previous hometown for a pick-up footy match a few weeks ago. I stopped by the local comics shop to pick up a copy of a new Marvel series for which Zimpter did some modeling. (I can't reveal the name of the series, but I can verify he did not model Elektra or the Scarlet Witch.) It's been years since I visited this shop, mainly because I stopped buying comics right around the time I got married, which did wonders for my self-esteem. The highlight of the visit was listening to the three comic-geek occupants of the shop discussing how bad X-Men III was. (Note to Brett Ratner: When you've lost these guys, you've lost everyone.)
  
  As I was purchasing my comics, I mentioned to the clerk that I too thought X-Men III was a pile of steaming medical waste. He smiled insincerely and gave me a look that said, "I'm not really interested. You're not one of us. Weirdo." I felt offended for about 10 seconds when I suddenly realised that this observation was in fact a good thing. My geek days are finally over... no matter what Stew says.
  
  However, I probably shouldn't have loudly announced that I was off to meet my woman as I walked out the door. Bit cruel that.


• I next stopped by the local convenience store. I was trying to kill time before the pick-up game started and wandered around, leafing through the newspapers and looking over various crisps and reminding myself why I shouldn't devour a bag or two. At one point I turned the corner and noticed the clerk and a friend were watching and laughing at some sort of comedy programme on a laptop behind the counter. I was trying to figure out what it was and what was so funny, when the clerk suddenly looked at me and said, "Can I help you find anything... you're staring."
  
  He said the last bit with the same kind of look Chicago Bears linebacker Mike Singletary used to give opposing quarterbacks. It didn't work as well on a man about six inches shorter who was standing behind the counter of a 7/11.
  
  I explained that I was trying to figure out what the programme was but this only resulted in a an even more intense, weird, hostile glare from the clerk. I decided it was time to get a bottled water and check out. As "little 7/11 Mike" rang me up, he stared at me as though I was someone who'd just verbally associated his mother with barn animals (to which it goes without saying, I had not). I explained again that I was interested in what programme was on the computerand this just increased the glare by a magnification of 5. (I'm very precise about these things.) You'd think I'd spied them hiding a breadbasket full of doobies rather than watching some HBOish special. I left, shaking my head and muttering something about "nutter clerks."
  
  The only answer I have for this strange behaviour is that either A) He didn't like people staring in his direction for any reason whatsoever, B) They weren't supposed to be watching the show and he thought I was a "secret shopper" or something, or C) He thought I was gay and staring at him and his friend.
  
  The problem with all of these is A is just weird behaviour, B is hardly conducive to keeping a long term job, and C is more than a bit ego-centric. Not only am I straight as the Western US-Canadian border, but it's hardly normal for anyone to just stare at someone like they were trying to figure out a puzzle, especially if they fancied them for any reason. That wouldn't have worked on my wife. The dear woman would have shaken me and asked if I were having a petit mal seizure. Also, it's not exactly as though the computer were in line with someone's bum or anything. I would have immediately noticed that and rapidly changed my viewing angle.
  
  So, nutter clerk it is. Funny though, I was actually in the store on Saturday and he behaved quite normally. So, maybe it was just a mood swing.


• Ever since I've been doing Twitter, I find it very difficult to write a grammatically correct sentence. The most common problem is leaving off pronouns. ("Went to store. Bought 10 lbs. of steak sauce. 3 boxes of Honey Nut something or other. Mixed. Ate. Threw up.")
  I refuse to exchange numbers for words though unless extremely press for space. We can't all be Prince you know.


• I was at a wedding on Saturday. As it was a formal occasion, I wore a suit. It turns out it was an outdoor wedding. The temperature was about 100 degrees Farenheit with a heat index of about 106. I should have looked at the wedding website, as it apparently said in bold letters: WARNING - Outdoor, superheated wedding. (I'm paraphrasing.) Stew turned up in a golf shirt. Nuffy wore something that may have been Hawaiian (but subtly so - not a grass skirt.) I felt like I was wearing my own personal sweatlodge.
  
  Actually, it was a lovely wedding, very nice couple, sweet ceremony officiated by the father (an old friend of the DOUI staff by the way). Also, the minister, and the groomsmen were dressed in black tuxedo coats and vests with dark red ties. At least I could take my coat off.
  
  Of course, by the time I did there was a sweat stain the size of Lake Victoria on my back.
  
• The wedding reception was fab. Four kinds of cheese, including blue and brie. If there had been a wedge of Wensleydale it would have been perfect. I had to settle for dumping cheese dip on the cheese.
  
• Last thought - Just exactly how do they calculate the "heat index" anyway? Most people assume it's a very complicated formula that takes into account the temperature, the humidity, the visible sunlight, butterflies beating their wings, and the proximity of any barbeques, cookouts, and other large open flames. I'm quite convinced though that the following method is used: the weatherperson steps outside the back door, sweats a moment, and then walks back in and says, "Feels like a hundred and six!"

Cheers.

The Last Hey-O into the Sunset

Ed McMahon has passed on at age 86. R.I.P. He was a gregarious first among second bananas and a veteran U.S. Marine pilot to boot*, not to forget the long running announcer for Jerry Lewis's annual Muscular Dystrophy Telethon here in the States. He seemed a decent chap.

He did have a reputation as a bit of ...well, a lush, although this was probably played up for laughs on The Tonight Show. There is absolutely no way Ed drank as much as Johnny Carson said he did, unless he had a piston engine for a liver. He was the long-time spokesperson for Budweiser and people understood that no only did he hawk the product, but he used it in excessive moderation. He likely had a Clydesdale to pull around his personal stash of grog. OK, Ed probably drank more in a week than most human beings do in 20 years of Spring Breaks. Still, he held his liquor much better than say, someone like Dean Martin or Foster Brooks.

Also, you just had to love the way Ed graciously slid down the couch as the show went on and the guests piled up. No one really does that type of thing anymore. I mean, maybe Jay did it and maybe Conan will include it, but no one really has that show where the guests are all hanging out with one another and the star is more like the host of a party than a television programme. Ed was the guy at the end of the room, tossing back some liquor (with Bud chasers) and laughing along with everyone without getting in anyone's way.

He also hosted Star Search, a program that paved the way for American Idol, Britain's/America's Got Talent, and countless other contemporary reality talent shows. So, nobody's perfect.

I'm kidding of course. Ed brought a bit of show-biz gravitas to the programme. Without him, it would have felt like one of those 50's American TV programmes, more noted for being sponsored by Texaco or Esso than for any talent on it. Ed was the stately old pro overseeing the big contest and encouraging the motely crew of contestants. His connection to The Tonight Show always gave people the impression that a win on Star Search could just possibly lead to that big visit to Johnny. Ed was kind enough to not discourage such loopy dreams. It was a completely different vibe than the one Simon Cowell plays on Idol. If Cowell had hosted Star Search, losers would have been greeted with lines like, "I'll let Johnny know how disappointed you are," or "Johnny would have just hated that act."

Stew and I once wrote a book about Ed and Dick Clark**. Well, it wasn't really about Ed and Dick as much as it was an excuse to write really silly things, put words in people's mouths, observe how ridiculous some celebrities and politicians can be (not Ed and Dick), and make up bizarre situations that bore only a slim connection, if any, to reality.

In other words, it was the warm-up for this site. Pity we couldn't find an agent or publisher (though we'd stil consider it!) I may set up a blog for the book one day. I expect Stew will have some remarks as well, as another Ed fan.

Anyway, cheers Ed for the inspiration for the book and for all the laughs, both the ones you elicited from us and the ones you offered along with us.

* He was a Brigadier General in the California reserve. Not wine reserve, the military reserve. Imagine that, "General Ed McMahon."
** ...entitled It All Started with Ed or A Yeti in Times Square.

Footy Notes

A few notes regarding the Confederations Cup in South Africa and world football in general.

• The U.S. was voted the team most likely to have a player do something stupid to get hastily sent off by an overzealous referee, after Sacha Kljestan was sent off in the second half for a late tackle on Ramires. Prediction: The Americans will have a player sent off before the start of play against Egypt for not having his shoelaces tied properly.
• FIFA has announced that the notorious vuvuzela horn will probably be allow at next summer's World Cup in Africa. The horn, derived from a traditional Zulu instrument, is played by many fans during games, creating a loud, annoying sound that exactly mimics the sound effects from 1974's Killer Bees, starring Gloria Swanson. Others* have described the sound as being like "the flatulence of a billion hummingbirds" and "a million angry Harpo Marxes." FIFA did admit that had they known about the popularity of the horn they would have awarded the World Cup to Germany again.
• Egypt beat Italy one-nil. Italy made the fatal mistake of mistiming a dive for a penalty, whilst the Egyptian forward was heading his goal in their box.
• New Zealand was the first Confederations Cup participant to have been mathematically eliminated from the semifinals before they got off the plane in South Africa.
• North Korea qualified for the World Cup Finals for the first time since 1966. Premier Kim Jong Il was reportedly so happy he downgraded his recent threats. North Korea will now retaliate to military action only a hundred times over.**
• FIFA ordered the removal of sideline televisions at the Confederations Cup after coaches complained that they were distracting their players, who would stop and pose during play.
• Iran was eliminated from qualification from the World Cup Finals. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad responded by announcing that he was a sea turtle and dancing around a burning Volvo for ninety minutes.

* Me, in this article. It really is the most annoying thing I've ever heard, apart from Truman Capote's voice, Tommy Wiseau's acting, and the song Hello, George.
*Reportedly, it was the first time he jumped in his jump suit since his dance with Madeline Albright.

Holiday Snaps!

Well, I promised some holiday snaps and here they are. Ireland was wonderful, beautiful, and at times, extremely dangerous. A lovely visit was had by all. Enjoy!














Not many people know that Ireland is completely covered by the ruins of a giant castle. Bloody Cromwell!

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Unfortunately, our hotel suite was under repair during our visit. Still, we enjoyed the rustic quality of it all.

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Eye candy. In a country this gorgeous, they can't all be jokes.

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I took this pic at the Cliffs of Moher, just beyond the sign that says "Do not go beyond this point." Tourists from a variety of nations were ignoring the sign. I've never heard the word "jump" in so many different languages.

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A typical Irish beach.

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Not many people know that Ireland is littered with miniature villages populated by the little people. Watch where you trod!

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If you're ever in Doolin, County Clare, I heartily recommend McDermott's pub. Best Bangers and Mash I had on the trip and fab Guinness, as well. The missus had fish and chips and they were outstanding. The Littlest Fando had a burger. It was huge, all Irish beef, and she loved it.

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More eye candy: Ladies View, just south of Killarney. As you may have guessed, the ride into Killarney was beautiful, but very bumpy.

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A typical Irish rural highway. Mind the sheep!

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I've always wondered if Irish dogs sound different from American and British dogs. He didn't make a peep though. He just stood there, occasionally taking a pull from his pipe.

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Irish farmland. Tough hoeing, indeed!

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You have not heard Inna Gotta Da Vida until you've heard this bloke play it.