You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Bet he/she has real problems finding a suitable lavatory...

I stumbled across this amazing photo of the world's only half-man, half woman championship skater with two fully operational bodies. Apparently the bodies share the same head, making them technically one individual, who just happens to be named Chris.

Amazing stuff, but it does raise certain questions, especially since the bodies face in opposite directions. How does Chris sit down for instance? Does he or she just stand on the Tube? Who gets the mirror first? Can the head swivel around 360 degrees or does one of the bodies spend all the time walking backwards? How does Chris manage the triple axle? Does Chris compete in the men's division, the female, or is there a completely separate division for people with this unique condition? Tying the laces on the skates must be sheer agony.

Posers all, but still a fascinating individual, who as you can see, can do a headstand with both feet on the ground.

Friday, November 25, 2005

One more pair of turkeys, before I forget...

I was reminded today that I left a completely deserving set of turkeys off of my Thanksgiving Day Top Turkey list.

That would be of course the Sonic lads, the two nincompoops who appear on the telly here in the United States doing adverts for Sonic drive-in fast food restaurants. Presumably, the adverts are meant to be humourous, but I've never cracked so much as a smile during one of them, though I fear I will crack a tooth, grinding my teeth during them.

Many of you may consider this a harsh judgement, but I assure you I'm no comedy snob. I've laughed at Bob Saget on occasion (all right, perhaps once or twice...although I may have just been laughing at the home video he was describing), and even found Gallagher amusing, even though it's generally only during the parts where the watermelon backfires on him.

The Sonic commericals are in a league all by themselves though. Some commercials are so bad, they're funny, but the Sonic commercials are laced with the awful pain of people trying against hope to be funny. (...And yes, I know somewhere out there, some smart ass is saying "Like this blog!" Thanks for that Zimpter.) To put it in perspective, the old Sonic commercials with Frankie Avalon were much, much funnier, and they contained no jokes, just hackneyed rehashes of old sixties music, and Frankie's carefully dyed and managed hair (which, to be perfectly fair, is very impressive for a man of, what...sixty?). Yet, it has the Sonic lads beaten over and under for guffaw potential.

So here's hoping that Sonic will return to it's Avalon ads (Adding Annette Funicello couldn't hurt...and yes I know she's as old as Frankie, but some compromise is needed!) and dumping the Sonic lads for good, so they can return to their first jobs, behind the grill.

I know it must seem awful picking on two young men, who I'm sure are perfectly nice, behind their drab, unamusing, stupor-inducing exteriors, but comedy is a brutal and vicious business, and not one that people should get into lightly...not with sharks like Seinfeld and Dave Barry swimming the comic seas, not to mention a raptor like Mike Nelson, who is simply a genius and should join our blog immediately, where we promise him a great deal of space to mock the Baldwin Brothers and Jean Claude Van Damme.

So, in the holiday spirit, I'll make this proposal: Sonic should pull these bone-achingly bland and dry commercials off the air, but, in honor of the loyal, if undistinguished service of these two gentlemen, should permanently add a new burger to the menu - The Sonic Gobbler - a quarter pound of pure turkey meat, slathered with mayonaisse, on a seedless, white bun. I can think of no more fitting and appropriately symbolic tribute.

(Cue the unfunny whacking noise at the end of the Sonic adverts.)

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving You Turkeys!

It's Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I was watching the sports chats on the telly yesterday and they were all handing out their "Biggest Turkey" awards (a tradition that started with movie reviewers, for those of you who remember the Medved Brothers seminal wark, The Golden Turkey Awards.)

Not to be outdone by a bunch of sportswriters, I have decided to compile my own list of the biggest Turkeys of the Year, in no particular order:

Earl Fando's List of the Biggest Turkeys of the Year (2005)

10. Terrell Owens - All right, this is a bit of a holdover from all the sports shows, but this is a textbook example of how a gifted athlete, with the right (wrong, really) agent, could make a complete and utter mash of his career. Terrell's agent, who's name I can't remember because I always have to avert my eyes when he's on camera, due to the sliminess, should be banned for life from representing any human being for anything. Let him represent animal actors for a few years credibly and we'll consider a reprieve.

9. Saddam Hussein - If we ever see another picture of him in his skivves, it will be far too soon.

8. Survivor - It's over CBS. Move on. Please. This thing jumped the shark years ago. It's jumped two sharks and a bottle-nosed dolphin for goodness' sake.

7. Donald Trump - What can you say about a schemer who was so afraid of getting upstaged by ex-con Martha Stewart that he pushed for her to be dumped? He was so worried, he ran right out and got a new bad haircut. A Flock of Seagulls is suing him for hair copyright violation. Meanwhile, he continues to wear a scowl on his face that makes you think someone switched skunk juice for his aftershave. At least the man can laugh at himself, right? He does see the humour in it all, right? ...Oh, dear.

6. Diddy - I've heard that he's not such a bad bloke, but if he changes his name one more time, I think he should be sent to the Home for Celebrities Who Take Themselves Way Too Seriously and ensconsed in the Tim Robbins/Bo Derek wing (named so for bi-partisan reasons, of course.)

5. Ben Affleck - Wear high collars around this man. Seriously, he has considered running for political office. The debates should prove interesting.

4. Mike Tyson - Sad, really. I miss the days when he shouted things like, "How dare they challenge me with their primitive skills!" after a bout. Now it's getting beaten up by blokes he would have made mince out of in his prime, and appearing in shoddy entertainment specials. Note that he could still crush the life out of 99.999999% of the human race, given a reason, or just on a whim.

3. Tom Cruise - He's utterly mad you know. He just bought Katie Holmes a sonogram machine to look at their unborn child. Tom says he's going to operate the thing himself. Complete. Nutter. Katie's got to be thinking that Mike Tyson is looking better and better these days.

2. Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, their unmemorable counterparts, and various celebrities...all who fill up space during the Macy Thanksgiving Parade coverage in New York City by blathering on about their holiday plans (in-between plugs for their latest films or television programmes), most of which appear to be fictional and inspired by whatever American tradition they think the audience will buy. I wish some actors wouldn't go on about how they're looking forward to traveling to Kansas to sample their sweet old grandmother's tradtional pumpkin pie receipe, when we all know they'll be flying directly to sunny Malibu to cruise the beach for lonely chicks on Thanksgiving Day. Also, Katie and Matt have all the chemistry of soda water.

1. Zarqawi - A lying, murderous, scum-sucking brute of a human being, who is no doubt currently plotting to blow up someone else's wedding, or maybe a child's birthday party. Let us all hope for the day when someone cooks and stuffs this particular turkey.

By the way...a very Happy Thanksgiving to all our readers. Not only are we thankful to God for our families and this lovely space to rant in, we're very thankful that you've chosen to come share it with us. Enjoy the holiday, and if you live in Malibu, stay off the beaches until the celebrities have finished combing them for cheap dates.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Coming soon to the Connecticut Legislature...

Recent research indicates that one in five male drivers in Britain said that they were distracted whilst driving by roadside billboards of scantily clad female models.

Only one in ten women were distracted by billboards featuring scantily-clad male models. However, there were no statistics mentioned in the column regarding gay drivers, so people shouldn't leap to the conclusion that one is safer than the other.

(As a heterosexual male, that's my hope at least. Most blokes I know though, including myself, will keep their eyes dead set on the pavement if a giant billboard of a shirtless David Beckham turns up around a curve...but I digress.)

According to the researchers, among other things distracting to the eye on the roads were "flashing warning signs, huge advertising hoardings, and Christmas decorations." (Quote from the Reuters article)

Therefore the next big motorway pileup in Britain will be when drivers come across a sixty-foot billboard of Elizabeth Hurley in a red and white thong bikini, wearing a Father Christmas beard and holding mistletoe...and the five flashing warning sings leading up to it won't make a bit of difference.

Meanwhile, one can only guess that legislators in Connecticut are finding something new to add to their distracted driver law. Soon, one expects that Connecticut drivers will be required to tape their hands to the steering wheel and wear goggles that turn opaque when struck with any light that matches the colour of human skin. It's either that or elective surgery to qualify for a driver's licence, and I don't even want to begin to explore the possibilities there.

Stew is under the weather...

Which is why we haven't heard from him today or this weekend (that and his lack of an Internet connection at home was a definite oversight. He should have skipped the replica Batcave and got a DS-3 connection instead, so he could watch Iranian Policewoman to his heart's content.)

I expect he'll be back tomorrow if he can stop hurling up his liver by then. Until then, prayers for a speedy recovery to my friend and his family, who are suffering from the same mystery illness.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

SWAT (Special Women's Attack - Tehran)

I think this is my favourite new police drama, from Iran. I especially like the way they hang from the sides of cars and shoot at people, just like the police in Raising Arizona.

I expect the American version, starring Jennifer Garner to premiere any day now on ABC, only instead of burkas, her team will wear cut-off jeans and halter-tops.

Hat tip: Google Video of the Day. (Warning. Some of the other videos on this site contain bad language, although the guy with the sand art is bloody brilliant.)