You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The week to come

As Stew will be out of pocket for a week, he left me with a set of predictions for posts this weekend that I could put up. Quite frankly, they seem a little farfetched to me.

  • Saturday - The Kentucky Derby will be won by a horse named Flying Sphincter. Flatulence jokes should abound. Also, congratulate Captain Beany on the surprise victory of the New Millenium Bean Party in the British Elections and his new job as Prime Minister, so as to continue the flatulence theme.
  • Sunday - Pope Benedict XVI will declare that all papal robes can be replaced with leather jackets. This will cause him to be known as the "cool" pope and also "Pope Fonzie I." The Popemobile will be replaced by a gigantic Harley.
  • Monday - The President, during his visit to Europe, will point out that Vladmir Putin's name is quite comical when you think about it. " Poot-in" Flatulence jokes should abound. (Stew really did write this one...seriously.)
  • Tuesday - Take a break - I am after all on vacation. If you must write something about how I tackled Mickey Mouse and dumped him into the pond at Splash Mountain. Make it dramatic. He is, after all, a giant mouse.
  • Wednesday - Global Warming declared gigantic fraud by scientific community. Icee stocks drop by 50%.
  • Thursday - The LA Lakers are declared the winners of the NBA Championship, despite the fact that they are not even in the playoffs. The whole thing later turns out to be a practical joke by David Stern. Shaquille O'Neal is not amused.
  • Friday - Madonna declares she is going to become a Catholic nun. The Catholic Church politely turns her down, saying, "My child, we believe in miracles in the Church, but not absurdities." Follow this up with various Madonna nun outfit gags ("Hey, who's the nun with the pointy habit?") and references to Pope Benedict XVI - "He's the cool pope, but he's not crazy." or "He's cool but he's no fool."

Friday, May 06, 2005

Streak broken

My apologies as I've been under the weather the last 24 hours and for the first time since this blog began I missed a day. It's Saturday the 7th now but I've changed the date of the post to the 6th to create the illusion in my fevered mind (101.2) that all is well in the world.

It would be nice if some of our other participants would pick up the slack...

So, I'm sick, tired, and bitter. Wonderful.


Update - What follows is what a Friday post would have looked like, had I posted in the condition I was in:

Some link to Yahoo! or Fox News or summat...

Scoob! Scoob! are the keys in teh Mystery Machine? Patty likes to rock and roll...

Pretty lights on the screen...what are all these letters for by my hands? fjefuqupd;slierhj ;eklidhf;;q;c;;'eirha;

etc, etc, etc and then the big dance with Deborah Kerr and I wake up drenched in sweat.

The waking up drenched in sweat part was actually Saturday night.

Aren't you glad I broke the streak and spared you all that?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Stew's Vacation

As Stew will be on vacation the next week or so, I will be working that much harder to entertain the few dozen of you whose social lives are so miserable that this blog is the sad and depressing high point of your day. (No names, of course)

In other words, I will harass Juan Carlos (the Music Man) Vega and Zimpter (I Love Hollywood, Even though I Live in Encino) Fiforg into posting more than once a week. This harassment begins now. (That was it, for those of you who missed it.)

During Stew's absence, I will also be frequently posting regarding he and his family's exploits at Disney World.

Yes, I will be making most of that up. He's out of pocket, so he can't edit anything out.

If you're in Orlando or Disney World during the next week or so, you might come across Stew. He will be the enormously tall gentleman wearing the giant sombrero and obsessively singing "It's a Small World" in Gaelic.

Maria-san! I've just met a girl named Maria-san!!

Speaking of Chairman Kaga, the Liberace-esque host of Fuji TV's Iron Chef, his bio reveals an even more flamboyant personage than I realized. (Chapeau tip to Stew) I'm a massive fan of the show and yet I did not know that he was the first Japanese Tony in West Side Story (1977) AND the first Japanese Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar (1976).

I've heard rumours as to other firsts as well, but as I can't prove them (and in fact may be making them up...maybe) I really shouldn't say.

Of course I will anyway. (I just wish I had a better handle on how much leeway "satire" brings under the Japanese libel laws. The last thing I need is to wander into Tokyo on vacation and discover I 've been sentenced to seppuku in abstentia.)


Takeshi Kaga, AKA Chairman Kaga AKA Tony AKA Andrew Lloyd Webber's Version of Jesus

A List of Other Firsts
by Earl Fando (who will deny everything in the presence of Japanese constables and magistrates)

1959 - First Japanese to be mistaken for Elvis Presley (by Nikita Khrushchev during a tour of a Datsun plant in Hokkaido)
1966 - First Japanese to wear a Nehru suit on purpose. Backwards.
1967 - First Japanese to listen to an American Country and Western album
1967 (same day) - First Japanese to smash American Country and Western Album with the aid of a katana and throwing stars.
1968 - First Japanese to own a copy of The Beatles' White Album (Suuuure he was.)
1972 - First Japanese to break Watergate story, but ignored in favor of those American glory hounds Woodward and Bernstein.
1978 - First Japanese to own a Chia Pet (marketed as Bonzai Pets in Japan)
1981 - First Japanese to appear on Wheel of Fortune. Wins a sequined cape, setting the groundwork for Iron Chef. Also, wins a year's supply of Rice A Roni, "The San Francisco Treat".
1983 - First Japanese to be mistaken for Liberace (by Tom Wolfe during a book tour of Akita Prefecture.)
1984 - (January) First Japanese to point out that Orwell was exagerrating just a little bit in his book.
1987 - First Japanese to cut a rap album (Kaga This!)
1990 - First Japanese to declare dried cuttlefish a really nasty excuse for a snack food.
1991 - First Japanese to portray Douglas MacArthur in Japanese remake of Inchon.
1994 - First Japanese to win World Snooker Championship, despite several shots made more difficult by his cape.
1997 - First Japanese to become fluent in Esperanto.
2000 - First Japanese to appear on Friends (As Phoebe's lothario lover, Sven)
2004 - First Japanese to make contact with extraterrestials (On Iron Chef, Voyage to the Stars.) Hasn't been seen since.


BTW - this is, in fact, our 300th post to DOUI... just in case you're counting.

So long suckers! I mean that in a loving way.

This will in all likelihood be my final post...(shouts of joy) for a week (groans of disappointment). Yes, it is vacation time for the Miller family. Who they are I'm not sure, however, I will be taking the wife and kids to Disney World tomorrow for a week of mindless mousery. Ah the joys of the family vacation at Disney World; the swealtering humidity, the extraordinarily long waits in line, and the inevitablility of paying $8 for a hamburger and bag of chips. But hey, somebody's got to pay for Walt's body to remain cryogenically frozen so that one day he can be brought back from the dead (or is that a urban legend, (note to self, check out Snopes)). Anyway, before I depart I thought I would leave you with:

The Top Ten Ways to Get Thrown Out of Disney World.

10. Set large rat traps around Cinderella's Castle and hide in the bushes muttering, "I'm going to get that sucker this time."

9. Keep asking Disney employees, "Which way to Neverland Ranch?".

8. Set up squatters tent at Epcot and start washing your clothes in the fountain. When asked what you are doing just keep saying, "Rose a' Sharon needs milk!!".

7. On Jungle Cruise, run to the front of the boat, spread your arms and say, "Whoo hoo I'm king of the world, Disney World!"

6. Keep trying to bribe your way to the front of the line at Space Mountain by offering everyone 300 Quatloos.

5. Go to ticket area and set up stand selling tours of Walt Disney's frozen body.

4. Keep asking Monorail operators if they can drop you off at Orlando airport.

3. When getting autographs from Chip and Dale keep trying to stuff dollar bills in their pockets and say "shake that moneymaker" while emitting low moans.

2. Wear elaborate scuba-diving suit on Splash Mountain, tell everyone around you, "Good luck suckers."

and the number one way of getting thrown out of Disney World:

-Keep telling employees, "Universal's way better dude."

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Haute Cuisine!!! ( carrots for me please.)

Excerpts from the Lost Iron Chef - March 27, 1998 - Carrot Battle:

Opening -

(Chairman Kaga takes a bite from a pepper and nearly breaks out laughing for the 500th time. This time though he slips and falls into a large bowl of custard. He stands up and folds his arms attempting to look dignified, but slips and falls down the stairs, landing in Kitchen Arena, inside a large pastry oven. His frill catches on fire immediately.)

The Challenger -

Narrator: All the way from Brussles, Pierre LeBouf is a Belgian Chef from the well known restaurant La Facture Du Canard who specializes in French-Asian fusion cooking. His fascination with the creative use of waterfowl heads in classic French and Japanese dishes has not only won La Facture a Michelin star, but also attracted celebrities worldwide to sample his cranial crossover creations.

Chairman Kaga: Which of my legendary Iron Chefs will you do battle with?

Pierre LeBouf: (Dramatic pause lasting a full 90 seconds) Iron Chef Chen Kenichi!

(Loud Music. A rapid series of zooms and close-ups of Chen Kenichi and Pierre LeBouf. Stock pictues of Chen in his restaurant, holding a cleaver, frying an egg, walking his dog, and at the summit of Mount Everest on a skateboard. Chen begins to sweat profusely from the moment his name is called. Cut to logo with that loud, obnoxious, electronic swishing sound. Commercial for Ken-L Ration Dog Food.)

The Mystery Ingredient -

Chairman Kaga: Today's ingredient? I thought long and hard about two chefs who love poultry, the sea, and creative work with meat, and I think I've hit upon the perfect ingredient...(Pulls off cloth flamboyantly) (ed. note- the cloth covering the food you perverts!) Carrots!!!

Pierre LeBouf: Damn! I was hoping for albatross skulls!

Kitchen Stadium -

Floor Reporter: Cuey-san! Chef LeBouf has gone to his secret weapon! He's adding caviar to the carrots.

Dr. Yamagata, Food expert: Ah, yes caviar, a daring, yet familiar choice. I expect he'll add truffles next, and then, just maybe, more caviar!

Michiko Yamusaga, 20 year old Japanese actress: Mmmmm, that sounds like it will be really tasty...but it'll go straight to my thighs!!! (Mugs in a cute girlish, yet suggestive way and then giggles for 5 minutes and makes goo-goo eyes at Chairman Kaga.)

Floor Reporter: Iron Chef Chen is really sweating down here! These dishes are going to be extra juicy!

The Dishes -

(Cue Backdraft music)

Narrator: Chef LeBouf has produced four dishes. He begins with carrot compote on a bed of Radicchio and Romaine, garnished with a seagull beak. His second course is a luxurious carrot and onion soup, lovingly laced with balsamic vinegar and shavings of pelican cranium. His main course is stewed carrots in caviar, truffles, and penguin necks, a daring modern interpretation of a classic attempt to throw together really expensive delicacies that will get the judges attention and support. Finally, his carrot sorbet is designed to be eaten with a spoon made from the bill of a Northern Gannet, a sweet, yet moderately disturbing cleansing of the palate to finish the meal.

Iron Chef Chen Kenichi has countered with five dishes, all of which are the usual crap, only with carrots.

The Tasting -

Narrator: And now the chefs will present their dishes to our esteemed panel -

Actress Michiko Yamusaga, known for her portrayal of innocent yet tawdry women of a very young, yet adult age, and also her award winning performance as a chair in the film Hai!
Food Critic Michibu Kamasuko-Watanabe, who writes for Bonzai! magazine,
Humorist Earl Fando, an unknown English-speaking writer of undeterminate origin,
and of course Dr. Yamagata Mizoguchi, the well-known food expert, chef, and lay-about.

(Excerpted Comments)

Michibu: The sweetness of the carrots really contrasts with the saltiness of the waterfowl parts.

Michiko: I feel so happy to be eating this really neat meal (Giggles profusely) Oooohh! This tastes just like a carrot! What a genius you are Chef LeBouf/Kenichi/Whoever! (Stares at ceiling for 2 hours occasionally stopping to wiggle in her seat.)

Dr. Yamagata: Normally I don't get to participate in the tasting, but David Hasselhoff backed out at the last minute, so if you'll pardon me, I'm a bit bitter at being considered a second-rate, backup. I've written numerous books, hosted television shows of my own, own forty restaurants, but do I get to do the tasting on a regular basis?? (Makes obscene gesture at Chairman Kaga, who laughs and makes a slashing gesture across his throat.) The sorbet, however, is outstanding.

Earl Fando: Well, I hate to mention this, seeing as Kag-y, my old school chum, was good enough to have me on the programme, but I do, in fact, loathe carrots. So, if you don't mind, and nothing personal meant by it, I have to honestly say that this entire meal, well... sucks.

Judgement -

Chairman Kaga: It was a really close battle by two determined, obsessive, and desperate-for-publicity chefs. Now though, we will see if Belgian carrot creativity is superior to the samurai stylings of an Iron Chef.

Narrator: (Long blather summarizing the events of the show up until the present, with a slight diversion regarding soy-based bran, leading up to... ) Whose cuisine will reign supreme?!?

Chairman Kaga: Iron Chef Chen Kenichi!!! (Audience gasps in mock surprise.)

(Chen weeps and perspires profusely. LeBouf smiles weakly and grinds his knuckles into a nearby cheese grater...Cut to more Backdraft music, the really grandiose part, and CREDITS.)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

How to solve the gas* crisis in Britain - Beany for MP!

Captain Beany is running for office in Britain once again.

We here at the DOUI try to avoid politics like the plague, primarily because it cuts down on the readership. However, given that our current UK readership is nearly naught (and most of those are people who stumble on to us via "Next Blog"). I'd like to go out on a limb and endorse Captain Beany for MP. I'm not the most regular baked beans eater (for which Mrs. Fando is eternally grateful) but I do like a snootful now and again, especially with my Bangers and Mash.

So, toot your horn Captain, loud and clear. Sound off for Britain and let them hear the majestic power of your beany greatness.

He may be a complete loony, but what a loony. It would be like putting Elvis in the White House in America...if he were still alive that is. (Loud coughing and sounds to indicate nothing suspicious is going on) Mr. Blair, be on your toes. Number 10 Downing may one day see truckloads of baked bean tins in its cupboards and silent but deadly fumes that don't emanate from the Thames.

Be sure to read the manifesto as well. "A bachelor flat for Prince William in Cardiff Castle so he can date Charlotte Church." "A new royal yacht so the Queen can get away from Camilla." The royals must be flocking to Cardiff so they can cast votes.

*And by "gas" I don't mean petrol.

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Space Food Sticks! That takes me back... my astronauting days. Many were the days when Buzz, Neal, John, Satchmo, Curly, Hubert, Marnie, Quirrel, and I (and the pony) would be lounging around in Skylab, scarfing down chocolate malt-flavoured space sticks and bandying about old war stories about the practical jokes we played on Mission Control Chief Gene Kranz.

My favourite was when Neal, right after setting foot upon the moon, caterwauled, "It's molten lava! I'm melting! Melting! Gene, you bastard, this is all your fault!" Then John, Elmo, and Nostradamus threw a cooler of beverage on him to celebrate.

We didn't have Gatorade back in those days, so Gene wound up drenched in the Tom Collins mix the crew usually imbibed. Unfortunately for Neal, the Tom Collins shorted out the control board, so we lost communications with him for 72 hours. That, and Gene made him do the whole moon landing all over again, with the "One small step..." line. They still exhibit the "melting" tape at NASA conventions and CIA parties.

They swore Cronkite to secrecy, but he let it slip out once too often when he was blotto, so they replaced him with an android drone and put Walter into suspended animation next to Walt Disney's brain.

Ah, space sticks! They were delicious. Especially the peanut butter ones. They went really well with Tang.

Clarification is the how you say Cinnamon of Life

Okay, before I get into the juicy meat part of this unnecessary paragraph, I first need to, how you say, address the post about me earlier in this blog. First, the careful reader was linked to a CD Baby website where some crackpot type person play the how you say violin or something, maybe the two string banjo like toothless malform head baby in Deliverance or some kind of instrument, I don't even know. Let me point out that this CD Baby person is a Jorge Carlito Viejo muy diferente que this Jorge Carlito Viejo which is me. I do not suggest to you buy this man's CD if you are thinking it is the ever so elegant Mr. Jorge Carlito Viejo which you see typing this message before you, because you will be deceived and your $12.97 plus shipping will be like the pennies going down into the toilet hole into sewer where the alligators going to eat it. Also, I do not wish to be too closely affiliated with this certain, as he call himself, Cakey the Jacked-Up Clown, because I think the grease paint he smearing on his face producing certain fumes which go up the nostrils and eating away at the already shrivelled brain. Here are other persons and web sites I do not wish to be affiliated with:

I do not have anything to do with the Ugly Dog Ranch. When I see the ugly face dog, I always go out of my way to spit upon that dog and maybe put some kind of fruit rind upon the head. I prefer the beautiful fluffy white or brown dog that will fetch the newspaper and maybe a nice Eggs Benedict con Leche de Mono. So this rumor that I ranching the ugly dogs is a big old nutmeg-oozing lie.

It is also untrue that I am making, manufacturing, selling or otherwise having anything to do with Space Food Sticks! If somebody spotted me selling some type of food product on the streets of Omaha, despite appearance of food, I guarantee you it was not space food sticks. It was Palillos de la mantequilla y de la cebolla con la grasa adicional, which I made in my own industrial kitchen. Granted, this tasty food of my homeland might have the similar appearance to Space Food Sticks, but don't get caught up in the lies, Mr. and Ms. Reader.

And finally, I think it is ever so important to point out that I am in no way associated with the official Danny Devito Dating Service, despite what you might be reading in tomorrow's newspaper. While it is true that I have tried to help a lonely Mr. Devito out by setting him up on dates with, alternately, 1) the granddaughter of a Wizard of Oz munchkin, 2) a really human-looking tangerine, 3) a cardboard cut-out of Natalie Portman, 4) a hat with googly eyes glued to it, 5) Gary Coleman in a dress, as it turned out later, Danny Devito already married to some lady name Rhea Pearlman, so my efforts in vain. Also, he don't even know me, so that make the difficult become the impossible, but he can never say I did not try.

Thank you and please quit affiliating me with these websites, persons or political idealogies, and I thank you from the core of my faithful heart.

A sage among the sagebrush...

You people think I'm kidding about Lukas P. Short being on the cutting edge. Here is more proof. He's still raising a big stink about his cowpie idea. He told me he has a new slogan: "Cowpie, it's what's fer cookin' dinner!" It may need some work.

In other news I decided to look up the actual trancript from yesterday's House session. It's worse than I thought. It appears they only spent 5 minutes working yesterday. (Not a joke)

2:05 P.M. -
The Speaker announced that the House do now adjourn pursuant to a previous special order. The next meeting is scheduled for 12:30 p.m. on May 3, 2005.
2:04 P.M. -
The House received a message from the Clerk. pursuant to the permission granted in Clause 2(h) of Rule II of the Rules of the U.S. House of Representatives the Clerk notified the House that he had received a message from the Secretary of the Senate on April 29, 2005 at 11:30 a.m. stating that the Senate agreed to H. Con. Res. 41 without amendment, the Senate agreed to the Conference Report H. Con. Res. 95 and that the Senate agreed to H.J. Res. 19 and H.J. Res. 20 both without amendment.
2:03 P.M. -
HISTORIAN OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES - Pursuant to clause 7 of Rule II and the order of the House of January 4, 2005, the Chair announced that on Thursday, April 28 2005, the Speaker appointed Dr. Robert V. Remeni as Historian of the United States House of Representatives.
WHOLE NUMBER OF THE HOUSE - The Chair announced that in light of the resignation of Mr. Portman of Ohio the whole number of the House Membership was adjusted to 434.
The House received a communication from Representative Portman wherein he resigns as a member of the House of Representatives effective at 12:00 p.m. on April 29, 2005.
The House received a message from the Senate. The Senate passed S. 382 and S. 976.
2:02 P.M. -
PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE - The Chair lead the House in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag.
2:00 P.M. -
The Speaker announced approval of the Journal. Pursuant to clause 1, rule I, the Journal stands approved.
The Speaker designated the Honorable Tim Murphy to act as Speaker pro tempore for today.
The House convened, starting a new legislative day.
Today's prayer was offered by the House Chaplain, Rev. Daniel Coughlin.

Government 101

Have you read a transcript from the House of Representatives lately? I don't know if I can recognize who they are representing anymore. Here is a copy of the transcript.

109th Congress 1st Session

12:30 P.M.

Today’s prayer is offered by House Chaplain, Rev. Skippy “Zoosteria” Leonard.

“Let us pray His/Her/Its blessing on our meeting today. O potentially Supreme Being, thank you for blessing us with the funding to meet here today. In your infinite wisdom and mercy please don’t strike us down for what we do and say here because as you have told us, what’s said in Washington, stays in Washington. Amen and au-men.”

He is raised into the rafters by an elaborate deus ex machina.

12:34 P.M.

The Speaker: “Now recite with me the Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under (inaudible), with liberty and justice for all.”

Speaker: “The House is now in session. Light’em up boys.” The congressmen, both men and women, pull out big stogies and light them up. The caviar, toast wedges, and champagne are brought into the chamber to the tune of “Happy Days are Here Again”.

Speaker: “Now to the important stuff, our pork barrel spending projects. I call on the Honorable Eustice T. Beauregard from the great state of Alabama.”

12:45 P.M.

Rep. Beauregard: “Mr. Speakah, Au am proud to represent the great state of Alabama. Our nations system of roadways is the backbone of our country. We have a proud heritage of building and maintaining this linkage of commerce within the borders of our wundaful nation. From the earliest trails to the latest interstate highway systems we have a great responsibility to maintain and improve this system. With that in mind, I hereby request funding for the Eustice T. Beauregard Highway that will run from my house to the Cracker Barrel restaurant at a small cost of $15 million.”

Speaker: “Thank you Representative Beauregard, I think we can attach that to H.R. 205 the bill to send 100 metric tons of rib tips to Russia. All in favor.”

Harumph Harumph Harumph

“now we're doin' some legislatin', all opposed”

Rep. Sluggo: “Mr. Speaker, with all due respect to the honorable gentleman from Alabama, this is a travesty. That appropriation would be better made under H.R. 208, the bill to provide funding for the stacking of small objects onto larger ones.”

Speaker: “I admire your tenacity Representative Sluggo in looking out for your constituency. All in favor of doing the other thing.”

Harumph Harumph Harumph

“all opp…oh the hell with it. Resolution passed.”

12:51 P.M.

Speaker: “Ladies and gentlemen. That wore me out. House is adjourned until tomorrow. Anyone for drinks?”

We have some good news, and some bad...

First the good news. Only 5 pounds of this burger is human epithelial tissue. The bad news... it belongs to Roseanne Barr.

"It's a little too much for me to handle," said Steve Hepburn, of Clearfield. "It's like trying to eat half a cow."

You wish.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Juan Carlos Vega - Maestro?

Juan Carlos, I never knew you had it in you!

OK - I realize that this is a different Juan Carlos Vega. If it wasn't though, wouldn't that be impressive? I mean more impressive than his vast and specious television empire and his close frendship with Cakey the Jacked Up Clown.

Please don't ask about Cakey. If you have questions, e-mail Juan Carlos at the link provided on the sidebar. I will merely forward them on to him along with the constant letters from La Raza.

Yet another person gets the finger...

A North Carolina man is the latest person to find a body part in their food and this time, unfortunately, it wasn't a hoax. The man was enjoying a pint of frozen custard in a dessert shop when he bit into what he thought was a piece of candy. Instead, it was a part of an employee's finger recently lost in an accident with a food processing machine. Understandably, the man began screaming and sought legal counsel (in that order).

Now, the story is grotesque enough on its own, but raises a serious question in my mind. When the employee lost their finger in the accident that severed it, did they not bother to look for it? Blimey, at least throw out the contents of the food processor and count it a loss? What were they thinking, that it probably just flew out the window? Did they find someone else's finger and mistake it for that person's? Was the custard order really that urgent??? "Gee, I don't know Joe. I didn't see where it went. It'll turn up. Just put some Bactine on that and a Band-Aid and finish up with the custard before you pop off to the emergency room."

For all of you managers and employees working in restaurants, dessert shops, food processing plants, etc. I would like to politely demand that you follow the following health and hygeine rule:

When a body part gets cut off, EVERYTHING stops until you find it.

At this rate it's only a matter of time before something infinitely more personal turns up in, say, a pastry, and heaven help the poor customer who bites into that. That's one toad-in-the-hole that no one wants to see.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Hobbits? I think not!!!

Archeologists claimed to have found a new species of human that they have nicknamed "Hobbits" because of their small size.

The claims were later retracted when the scientists discovered they had accidentally dug up the ancestral lands of actor Danny DeVito. DeVito, when questioned by the media, reportedly said, "Don't these people have any shame? Next they'll dig up the Billy Barty family plots and start telling everyone they've found Gimli!"