The "Terrible Twos" begin...

...because that's how old The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas is. Today, we're two!

Please save all the, "so that explains the immaturity of jokes" e-mails, as we got all those last year. No, this is the second anniversary of the founding of The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas!

Even now, somewhere, Tom Cruise is cursing and sobbing into Katie Holmes loving arms, as she downs yet another sangria.

But they're invited, along with a host of other luminaries, to the party, which I'll be blogging all about tomorrow, whether they turn up or not.

We're also putting together our annual "Best of" post so you can look back and see which bits made you gag the loudest. That should be up in a few days as well. In the meantime, be sure and send in your vote for the fan favourite of the year as well. If we don't get enough votes (meaning any at all) we'll randomly choose a post and ask Nuffy to send in a fake fan mail.

We're all about process here. Laughs and process.

Success in the, how you say, Life

Hello. How you going to say, I am the success in life. Yes, for many long times did I be sitting and thinks to myself, Jorge Carlito, como puedes be the success in life, mi hermoso? I ask myself this question, many time, and the answer is swirling past the head which is mine many times before I reach out my hand, como la mano de los cielos, and I grab with the, how you going to say, forceful determination this answer. What is the answer, are you probably should be wondering, what is the answer to how Jorge Carlito Viejo going to be the success in life.

Hollywood is the answer, of course, as it always is for most of the people what have ever lived upon the face of the earth. When the childrens of any nation at any time are ask unto themselves, "How can I be the success," they must with inevitability respond, "By succeed in the Hollywood." This is what I do.

If you have the strange fortune to be reading this blog for many of the year, you will remember that I was, how you can say, attempt to make the movie screenplay before and met with the what you call utter lack of success. How can i make the success this time? Well, well, I am so perfectly content with the warm brown pants on the legs that you ask this question. Jorge Carlito have the secret. You see I sign up for and attend something called "Screenwriter's Intensive Immersion Course" led by none other than Bart Wuhold (screenwriter of movies "Baby's Last Bullet," "Several Hats," and Golden Globe nominated for Make-Up film "Women who Became Horses"). In seven months, we learn so much about screenwriting, we have the golden destiny now to become the money pit swimming success in Hollywood.

So stayed tuned for masterpieces to flow like the wine that drips off the sweaty gut of Bacchus. I will be the success in Hollywood. Danny Devito, you will pay for what you did to me in the, how you going to say, lawsuit.

The countdown continues...

...to DOUI's second anniversary, on the twentieth of January.

I'm a bit behind on pulling together the "best of" post for 2006 (and have received scant voting on that question) but we are still celebrating and I'll have a description of the annual party as well (fabrications included, which will constitute about 99% of that post).

So stop your morning drinking and water cooler carousing and send those votes for "best DOUI post of the year for 2006" to earlfando@yahoo.com so I can start tabulating! It may be the only award someone at DOUI gets in 2007!

Golden Global Warming

Several people have written in to ask why we haven't covered the Golden Globes.

All right, no one has actually written in to ask why we haven't covered the Golden Globes, and that is the reason why we didn't live blog or for that matter write much at all about the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's annual attempt to convince celebrity actors and actresses that non-English speaking entertainment reporters are very sexy enough to get drunk and have a one night stand with.

Why even Lindsey Lohan was seen departing with a small, semi-muscular reporter from Belorussia.

Erm... sorry, I mistranslated the Belorussian report. It actually says she's going into rehab. At least she's got the sense to do so. When will someone do the interventions for Paris and Britney?

No, the Golden Globes just aren't that sexy or appealing or entertaining most years. So this year, they apparently (I didn't actually watch the awards...I had a book to read that night) decided to go for shock (WARNING: a fair amount of graphic descriptions included), which culminated in a very raunchy description by Sacha Baron Cohen of how his co-star's flatulence kept him alive during the "wrestling" scene in Borat.

Even Tom Hanks made a passing reference to Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement winner Warren Beatty's testicles, erm..."artistic vision." Hanks quote (from the MSNBC article) was "What balls this man has... and by ‘balls,’ I mean artistic vision.”

Cohen was probably thinking, "Sure, you're impressed Tom, but you didn't have to suck down a few breaths of his wind while admiring them, mate."

A programme called Ugly Betty won an award, proving that the Golden Globes people are still united with the proletariat, despite schmoozing with the celebrities that play them.

There was one thing about the article and the awards that troubled me. When referring to shots of the "stars," the names Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Kyra Sedgewick, Ben Stiller, Renee Zellweger, and Donald Trump were mentioned in the same paragraph. Stiller?!?

I jest, of course. I'm really referring to Trump, who sticks out like a sore cowlick in this crowd. That this tempestuous billionaire bedlamite should get camera face time at an entertainment show is another sign the folks at the GG's are getting a bit desperate. (Yes, I know he was in the programme The Apprentice...what's your point?)

What's next, Howard Stern as the host and the addition of a porn category? Somewhere, a reedy reporter with a Belgian accent is probably calling HBO about transferring the rights to them.

Lady Libertine

I just got finished reading this story concerning Amsterdam's soon to be unveiled (hopefully not literally) statue dedicated to prostitutes. No, this is not an episode of Borat, they actually have in mind a statue honoring the oldest profession. The story doesn't go into a lot of detail about how they came to the decision to make the bronze statue but we must remember that Amsterdam is still one of the largest drug trafficing cities in Europe and apparently the town officials are getting some of the better stuff.

The article mentions that they haven't found a place to put the statue or come up with title for it. Being that we have a particular knack for this sort of thing, I would like to put forth a few suggestions for those fine hopheads in Holland.

• Lady Libertine - I just like that title
• The Humper - if Rodin were doing it.
• Ramsses the Lubricated
• Venus De Mild Ho
• Ho-ratio Hornblower
• Nelson's Column - could have a gal hanging off of it like a strippers pole.
• What Were We Thinking? - that would be best for future generations.
• Syphilis
• Bob's Big Ho

I think I'll just leave it at that. You don't want to beat a dead horse.

Nuffy's Challenge

Well, I see Nuffy took a good shot at my questions, but apparently he's completely ingested Roget's Thesaurus instead of Wikipedia. I could tell immediately because all the words were spelled correctly.

Just for those of you who were stumped, the correct answers to the quiz on Wednesday were:

1. 7, except on Tuesdays when Fred is out on a biscuit run.
2. This was a trick question. The tattoo is of former Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences President Karl Malden (1989-1992), who has never been President of the MPAA, but was Jack "Boom Boom" Valenti's towel boy in the sixties.
3. A Macaroni penguin
4. Bazooka
5. Paul Hogan
6. None. Woodchucks can not chuck backwards, ever.
7. This, or Andy Rooney with a beard, only cuter
8. 200 hours, Geraldo
9. -47
10. The reticulate python
11. Chuck Norris, 74, 12,000
12. His gee-whilickers

Bonus Answer: Manfred

Beckhampalooza!

Or Beckham madness, I'd say. When I saw the number of US dollars MLS are paying Becks for playing out his career in L.A., I thought for a moment the US economy had gone belly up and inflation run wild. With all due respect to Beckham, who is a fine player a bit past his prime, though still capable of killing off a team with his free kicks, he's getting paid for his celebrity and not his football.

The money itself, all $250,000,000 of it, is apparently tied up in a "complex series of incentives." Hmmm... whatever could those be?

**********

David Beckham MLS Contract - Section XII - Incentive Bonuses (page 47)

• David Beckham (party of the first part, hereafter referred to as "DB") shall receive a bonus of $250,000 every time he radically changes his hairstyle.
• DB shall receive a bonus of $300,000 for every photo of Posh Beckham (hereafter referred to as "Posh") appears in a tabloid with a critical part of her bosom "accidentally" exposed. However, DB will be liable to the amount of $25,000 to the club for every public apperance Posh makes sans-knickers, as MLS is a PG-13 organization.
• If DB's good friend Tom Cruise purchases an MLS franchise deal, DB will receive a $1,000,000 bonus. This bonus shall be null and void if Mr. Cruise names the team any of the following: TomKats, LRons, Hubbards, Scientologists, Threstrals, Placentas, or Couches. If Mr. Cruise names the team the Oprahs, the bonus paid shall only be $500,000.
• For every goal DB scores in MLS, DB shall be awarded a Hummer in the color of his choice and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
• DB shall receive $100,000 in appearance money for every match he shows up for, whether his team is playing or not.
• Every time DB utters the phrase "MLS Rocks!" in front of a camera or a crowd of no less than 50 people, he shall receive $10,000.
• DB shall receive $800,000 for every appearance at a major entertainment awards show (excluding the Espys, which is only worth $25,000). This amount shall double if DB wins an award at the show, triple if it is an Academy Award.
• DB shall receive $100 every time he exhales in the United States of America.
• DB shall receive $2,000,000 for each appearance on the following television programs: The View, Regis and Kelly, Oprah, NBC Sunday Night Football, any NASCAR race, Survivor (guest only), American Idol (panelist), Jeopardy, Saturday Night Live (if it every gets really good again), Dancing with the Stars, and The Simpsons.
• DB's contract shall be null and void if he appears on any of the following television programs: 60 Minutes, Jerry Springer, Desperate Housewives (because Posh will kill him), and Family Guy.