Bringing Meaning to March Madness

Well, the annual roundball festival commonly known as March Madness is underway.  In our house though, I like to think of it as "basketball heaven." The idea of 12 hours of solid college ball, for two days straight, followed by another two days of 8 hours straight of ball (interrupted only by the Arsenal vs. West Ham match I watched earlier) is enough to overdose any basketball junkie into an early, ecstatic, hardwood-covered grave. Add to that the fact that this year has seen more than it's fair share of buzzer beaters, upsets, and long heaves that go in, and it's amazing the old ticker's still buzzing along.*

Nonetheless, I know that not everyone loves this time of year, and a fair few of you are confused** by all the crazy basketball terminology. So, as a public service (and in the spirit of collegiate education), I've provided a quiz testing your knowledge of the many terms and concepts you'll encounter during this wacky sporting spectacularama. Just choose the definition you think fits each term. The answers are at the bottom of the post. Good luck, and happy madness!

1. The arc

a. The 3-point line
b. The arena, given the wet weather in the mid-west U.S
c. The static electric shock you get when you touch the rim on a dunk
d. Lady Gaga's latest costume

2. The iron unkind

a. A player's shot bounced off the rim and didn't go in
b. Some coach decked a ref with a chair
c. The plumbing in the locker room is on the fritz again
d. The headlines when Tiger's wife tried to clock him with a 9-iron

3. Send it in big fella!

a. CBS color commentator Bill Raftery's signature call on a dunk
b. A player's admonition to his buddy before a date
c. The United States Postal Service's new marketing slogan
d. A crowd chant often heard on an episode of Man vs. Food

4. Dribble

a. Bouncing the ball in order to legally move it on the court
b. What happens when you drink water too fast on the bench
c. The nickname of the sloppiest guy on the team
d. One of the crises in next week's episode of The Marriage Ref

5. Tomahawk slam

a. A vicious one-handed dunk
b. Drinking game played by Florida State University fans
c. Denny's latest cultural misstep
d. Retired coach Bobby Knight's favorite way to discipline a player or reporter

6. Trifecta

a. A 3-point shot
b. A player dated three cheerleaders at the same time the night before
c. The three beers your buddy had during the game
d. The number of genders Lady Gaga claims

7. Rejection

a. A blocked shot
b. That awful feeling when the letter from the book publisher comes back
c. What your stomach says to the Thai Hot noodles you had for dinner at that quaint little restaurant by the arena
d. What Sandra Bullock shouted at husband Jesse James, after winning her Oscar

8. Yes! ...and it counts!

a. What some announcers shout when a player scores and is fouled
b. What some fans shout when a ref is knocked down accidentally in the course of play
c. What some coaches shout when they graduate a player who went to class as often as I eat broccoli
d. What Jeff Bridges shouted when he won his Oscar

9. 360 jam

a. A dunk in which the player does a 360 degree spin
b. When the visiting team manager stuffs empty water bottles into an overfull trash can
c. When the home team janitorial staff stuffs the visiting team manager into the formerly overfull trash can that they just emptied
d. Jelly made of something round

10. No look pass

a. When a player makes a pass without looking at the target player
b. When the team bus driver pulls out into the passing lane without seeing that Prius full of the opposing team's fans
c. When a player asks a cheerleader out without realizing she's dating the team captain
d. When the U.S. Congress tries to pass a bill without actually voting on it

11. Diaper dandy

a. A talented freshman player
b. Somebody's basketball shorts are riding too low
c. That smart-aleck kid in the third row who shouts, "Stoo-pid!" everytime a player misses a free throw
d. What a coach makes when the opposing team makes a 70-foot, buzzer-beating shot to win the game

12. Full court press

a. When a team puts defensive pressure on the other team the moment they get the ball
b. When reporters start asking players questions before the game is over
c. When you know your uniform has been ironed really well
d. The media coverage of the latest celebrity divorce

13. Run and gun

a. An offense that pushes up the court and shoots quickly
b. Rushing through a fast food meal to avoid paying for overpriced food at the game
c. That player who got the coach's daughter pregnant and then transferred to Alaska-Anchorage
d. The title of Lil' Wayne's next album

Answers: The answer to each of the questions is D.***

*Thank the Lord I've been exercising or I'd be watching the Arsenal match from the local ICU.
**Like a cat with an itchy butt.
***Depending on our legal circumstances, of course

You ever been in a Turkish prison?

Peter Graves has passed away.

Mission Impossible and sci-fi will never feel the same again. Ironically, my Netflix video that just came in is MST3K: Parts, the Clonus Horror, starring... Peter Graves. I'm not sure how fitting a tribute that will be but if Mike appears as Peter in this episode (I know, I can't remember... I'm still a little in shock) that would certainly go a long way.

Also, I had no idea he was James "Marshall Dillon" Arness's brother. I should have known they were related. Big TV show hits. Parts in sci-fi films (Arness was the "super-carrot" in the Christian Nyby-directed, Howard Hawks-produced, and just for the record John Carpenter-mangled as a remake, The Thing). Tall, with distinctive, stacatto baritone voices.  If not for the premature silver hair, it would've been an easy spot.

Rest in Peace. No zombie encores please.*

h/t K. Lopez

*scroll down for the zombie references.