Here in the States it's time for another Thanksgiving, that holiday where Pilgrim sat down with Native American for a fine feast of wild game, maize, crusty bread, and (knowing the Pilgrims) a nice porter or four. This fine brotherly feast laid the careful groundwork for nearly 300 years of bloodshed (I blame the after meal football match - all that quibbling about the rules.) However, these days people have "chilled way out," as Pocahontas might have said, were she raised in Berkeley and stoned out of her mind.
Still, a fine holiday like this, with mounds of food and massive, all-day parades of high-school marching bands and leggy Rockettes through New York City, cannot help one but be reminded of the many blessings one has... namely, to not live in New York City this time of year.
So, in keeping with tradition, allow me to tell you some things, I, Earl Fando, am thankful for.
I'm Thankful For... (2007 version)
by Earl Fando
- ...God's grace, Mrs. Fando, the Littlest Fando, family, friends, a decent job and the lot. This is a comedy blog, so let's just take it as given that I'm thankful for all sorts of normal stuff and be getting on with things.
- ...Not participating in National Novel Writing Month - Last year was fun, except that it almost killed me stone dead from exhaustion. I could start now and catch up, but I'd have to write about 6,500 words a day, and that's about as likely as catching Ted Kennedy French-kissing Phillis Schafly at Hugo Chavez's swank Caracas villa. Haven't you been paying attention to things around here?
- ...Blog colleagues whose selfless dedication to regular posting demonstrates their lasting committment to fine comedy for the masses. Oops, sorry! I was reserving this line for National Sarcasm Day. I am thankful for them though. Lots of material there.
- ...My relatives haven't yet succumbed to the turducken craze.
- ...Multiple coverage of the parades. If not for this, many people would have left their homes and flown to New York to strangle some self-indulgent celebrity presenter, plugging their new TV movie or album of Christmas standards whilst the local high-school band was in the background playing their little hearts out. Change the channel, find the parade coverage where the celebrity presenters are too busy retouching their makeup to get in the way for a few moments. That's America.
- ...that Cameron Diaz hasn't filed a restraining order after so many cheap mentions on the blog to get extra hits. Let's face it though, would you rather we name drop Paris Hilton or Britney Spears? Like you, we'd like to get through Thanksgiving dinner without getting sick all over the computer monitor.
- ...Arsenal are top of the table in the Premiership and undefeated in the Champions League. That calls for bangers and a prawn sandwich alongside the turkey. Of course, Arsene's probably eating salad and baked chicken tomorrow, just like every other day.
- ...I haven't been pecked to death by birds, yet. Well, it's not like they haven't tried.
- ...Pub onions. Admit it, they're delicious. I just wish I could get them around here without mail order. Dipping spring onions in malt vinegar's just not the same.
- ...Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have done jail time. This isn't cheap name dropping. This is social commentary, mates. I hope to see more of this in the future. A good prison movie is a possible side-effect, but only if someone else plays Britney and Paris. (Paging Ms. Diaz!)
- ...The Writers' Strike. We're not in the union, so we get to continue to churn out this rubbish on a daily basis, and maybe someone desperate for entertainment will take notice and give us a salary, as we don't bloody get paid for this either (beyond about a dollar per year of ad revenue from Google Ad Sense). No, I'm not bitter at all. It's just my funny way of laughing!
- ...Bacon Salt! The perfect seasoning. I can't wait to try some on bacon.
- ...The U.S. Presidential Campaign. Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, John Edwards, John McCain, etc. We're in the humour business, so this is a bit like a Christmas present. I reckon there's enough ego, straight-talk, cross-dressing, and hair to go around for months. Plus, Bill C. will get involved and that adds the comic nostalgia factor. Also, hasn't anyone noticed that Obama rhymes with Osama? Lots of jokes there, I'm sure! Add Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich and I'm not missing Lyndon LaRouche as much these days (the nutter).
- ...Skipping the usual lame attempts to gain some notice from the blog awards. They don't give a cricketer's tea cup about the struggling quality blogs, working at all sorts of long and odd hours, delicately pouring over lines and lines of text in a tireless effort to strain out quality prose for their loyal few readers. If they don't respect them, then why would they waste a second on crap like this blog?
- ...You, our loyal readers. Oh, all right, "reader"... the one in California, or was it Virginia or Kent? Whoever you are, you have our deepest gratitute. Tell some friends will you?
Oh, and a Happy Thanksgiving to all!