Twitter is the Worst

Demented clowns, pseudo-celebrities, and demi-comedians are the only sorts of people I know of who Twitter. I find no use for it. To be perfectly honest, I am Five Times Better than Twitter, so I could never do humanity the disservice of seeming to qualify its existence by using it. Nevertheless, I don't want Mr. Earl Fando to feel that his Twitter topical suggestions were ignored, so I have decided to answer them here in this blog. Mind you, I am putting the actual answers rather than some half-hearted and half-intestined attempt at being funny.

* #sasquatchpickuplines = "Girl, you jus' walked out of the grainy 8mm film, right into my heart."

* #thingsifoundinmytoes = a nest of baby wolf spiders

* #3rhymingwords = Stipple, whipple, dripple

* #crapdognames = Murderhorse, Luciferpoop, Meadow Attack Franklin, Chuice

* #crappoliticalslogans = "Vote for me, and I'll kill every single last one of you who voted for me."

* #5lastwords = "Careful, that elephant has explosive diarrhea."

* #crapiambicpentameter = "down up down up down up down up I go."

* #tarzanpickuplines = blah blah blah innuendo about banana

* #crapmenuitems = Braised Seahorse Dung with Udon Noodle and Dolphin Ovaries pan-seared in a Pie Crust made of ground Mermaid Toenails.

* #sqirrelsihaveknown = Bob, Tony, Sissy, One-Thousand McGregorton, Tiny John Pantsbiter, Acorn Breath O'Steppedupon, Sandwich Jones, Tree-top Terrence Toss-Rocks-At, Ziploc Bag Resident Smith, Car-Friend Flattyford, Sauce Williams, Inbred Supper Davidson

* #unlikelynessiehidingplaces = Loch Ness, Earth, Reality

* #crapsandwichcombos = Mud 'N Suffering on Rye with Rotten Asparagus Soup, The Big Fat Reginald wif' Mayonnaise and Salted Vinegar Cherries, Crushed Puke with a side of Roasted Chives, Jackie Chan's Shoe Scrapings on Whole Wheat Toast with Moldy Carrots

* #crapfootballnicknames = Seaweed Remainders, The Toppy Toppingtops, Fruity Baskets, The Soccer Players, American Hat Fanciers

* #wherearemysocks = Feet, Pocket, Mouth, Abdominal Cavity, Your House, ditch behind cemetery

* #craporchestranames = The Carl Buttly Fifteen Piece Brass Nightmare, The Tea and Sandwich Time Prancing String 'n Woodwind Naptime Band, The Podiddly Kansas Performing "Special" Weekend Orchestra

* #worstpickledfood = Lard, Manure, Shoe, Spider, Mutilated sparrow carcass

* #terminatorpickuplines = "I'll be [insert rude word] back."

There you go. The official answers for every category. Live it. Love it.

The Next Big Trending Twitter Topic

Those of you who tweet are probably aware of the Trending Topics section of Twitter, where the latest popular or timely topics are catalouged for easy access. One phenomenon of this section is the occasional appearance of some topic designed to allow twits (or tweeters, if you must) to dash off jokes. (The RiffTrax lads and Lileks are especially fond of this, and quite good at it.)

Every once in awhile you'll get a really clever subject to riff on. However, more commonly the subjects are lowest common denominator, populist stuff like #3wordsaftersex or #liesgirlstell.* Consequently, the quality of the responses is... let's say "mixed." One topic, "#3breakupwords, " elicited the following response from one twit: &@$% you &%@&#! (Count the letters and use your imagination. It won't take long to figure out.) The bulk of responses are mildly wittier.

So, for the benefit of the more erudite, not to mention civil twits out there, I plan to push the some trending topics of my own over the next few days. After all, I have upwards of thirty followers now, not all of them automated. I should be able to get some momentum, right? Join in and ride the feel-good wave of the following topics.

The Next Big Trending Topics:

• #sasquatchpickuplines
• #thingsifoundinmytoes
• #3rhymingwords
• #crapdognames (and not "#dogcrapnames")
• #crappoliticalslogans
• #5lastwords
• #crapiambicpentameter
• #tarzanpickuplines
• #crapmenuitems
• #sqirrelsihaveknown
• #unlikelynessiehidingplaces
• #crapsandwichcombos
• #crapfootballnicknames
• #wherearemysocks
• #craporchestranames
• #worstpickledfood
• #terminatorpickuplines

*The pound/hash sign has some Twitter significance, though I have no idea what it could mean. I've considered posting a tweet that reads "##" but have refrained for fear of bringing down the whole system.

Just Wondering...

... did anyone else notice that Jorge and Cakey's last video was filmed in the locker room of the federal lockup?

Cakey the Jacked-Up Twitter

I have just learned a most distressing thing. Cakey the Jacked-Up Clown has somehow created his own Twitter account. I don't know why people keep putting new technology in the hands of clowns. Will humanity never learn from its mistakes?

Anyway, for the sake of national and international security, you all best keep at eye on him on twitter.com @cakeyclown

I can't promise you will emotionally survive the experience.

Poetry and Truthiness

So I see Earl Francis Fando is fabricating the network news again. It is just the sort of thing you would expect from a rogue type of person who associates with rascals and rogues and goes on vacation to rogue-filled villages across the turgid waters of the Endless Sea. I don't know if his allegations concerning Cakey the Jacked-Up Clown and Jorge Carlito Viejo are true or not. I can't vouch for either of those two beloved American icons. Mostly, I just think of them as being part of the great mass of Less Than Five Times Betterness, thus dismissing all that they are and all that they do.

And now, a poem:


Eleven persons in a too-small car,
One guy slurping a melted candy bar,
Another one putting make-up on a ceramic doll,
One playing Ping Pong with a deflated basketball,
Two eating mayonnaise right out of the bottle,
One head-locking a chicken and pulling its wattle,
Three reading comic books and wearing no pants,
One little bitty guy in the trunk doing a dance,
Seven of them have moustaches with bread crumbs therein,
Four of them have broken noses and dirt on their skin,
Five have no gender and no certain name,
Six have no singular identity but are playing a game,
and all eleven of them are melted into one big pile,
of wax and pipe cleaners and hippopotamus bile.


And on that note, a cartoon about poetry I found on VHS in a trunk in my grandma's attic:

Jorge's Cake Hole

I finally got around to viewing Nuffalupugus's latest video. (As co-editor of the site, I'm contractually obligated to... Stew is the other official co-editor, but apparently his contract has the word "edit" scratched out and the word "golf" penciled in. Strangely enough, there's also a "7" in the contract that has a line drawn through it to make it look like a "4".)

Anyway, I had no idea Jorge and Cakey were so obsessed with this Excitimando fellow. I always thought their pasttimes were a) Danny DeVito, b) The late, great Mark Northover, and c) poop (Cakey only). I'm not sure why they're so threatened by the bloke. Other than the fact that he's having my vacation before me (must remember to try the shamrock soup in Limerick) he sounds like a terribly decent and charming chap.

Nonetheless, this obsession has clearly gone too far, as demonstrated by the BBC World News report below. I suppose Nuffy will have to bail out Jorge. However, Cakey will have chewed through the bars by now.



Update: BTW, I don't know about this Excelsimando fellow, but I'll be sipping stouts, not ales. I'm also still trying to figure out what Jorge was saying at the end of the previous video. It was either, "Happiness!" or "Hi, [technical term for portion of male anatomy]."