The Human What?
(Another bit from the upcoming DOUI TV show... just as soon as we can put a pilot script together and find someone lunatic enough at the networks to have a go. With the Writers Strike on, I figure they'll start to get desperate here in a few days. People can only take so many Lost reruns.)
[Scene: An office in New York City. A Man sits at the reception desk. He is on the phone. The alarms are going off.]
Man: Superhereos, Inc? Yes, we seem to have a security problem. The police haven't gotten here yet. You'll send someone right over? Fantastic! [hangs up]
[A man in yellow tights with a black cape enters the room dramatically.]
HF: How can I help you, human?
Man: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you.
HF: [louder] How can I help you, human??
Man: Are you the superhero from the agency??
Man: Wow! How'd you get here so fast? Did you fly?
Man: Ah! What's your name?
Man: Your name!
HF: [Dramatically] I am the Human Fart!
Man: [Cupping his hand to his ear] What?
HF: The Human Fart!!
Man: Ah, OK, I think I got it! Unusual name!
[The alarm suddenly stops. The phone rings.]
Man: Yes? Really? OK, thanks. [to HF] Sorry, false alarm. A panhandler thought one of the security cameras was a Prius windshield and was trying to clean it. It set off the alarm.
HF: Bit disappointing, my human friend. I was hoping for some action.
Man: Yeah, I guess I can see how that would be. Hey, you wouldn't mind demonstrating your powers before you go, would you?
HF: Really? You really want to see them?
Man: Yeah, sure. Sounds like it'd be pretty cool.
HF: Well human, it's just that I never get asked for demonstrations.
Man: Really? That's a shame, a big time hero like you? Well, listen to me talk, like I know anything! What is your specific power, anyway?
HF: [Reluctantly] Well, I sort of...
Man: Don't be embarrassed about it... Go on, toot your own horn! From the sound of the name, I'm sure it's cool.
HF: [Surprised] You really think so?
HF: Well... I emit an incapacitating cloud.
Man: Really? Man, I would like to see that in action!
HF: I never would have dreamed that someone would.
Man: I don't see why not. I bet there's all sorts of colours and swirls and stuff.
HF: There can be. It really depends on what I had for lunch that day.
Man: So, what happens when the cloud hits the bad guys?
HF: They usually clutch their throats and fall over straightaways.
Man: Hmmm...Don't they, like see stars or get blinded temporarily?
HF: Well, now that you mentioned it, that has happened at times. One fellow's eyes rolled right up in his head.
Man: I could see that happening with all those freaky designs and stuff.
Man: Yeah, you must create a bunch of wild patterns and designs and all sorts of crazy visuals, right?
HF: Well my human friend, perhaps people start to hallucinate a bit in that direction after awhile, but...
Man: With a name like "The Human Art," I can see why.
HF: I beg your pardon, what was that?
Man: I said, that with a name like "The Human Art," I can see why people would hallucinate.
HF: [Relieved - but not in that way] Oh, I see now! You thought I said "Human Art." No, no, my name is "The Human Fart!"
Man: Say what?
HF: [Proudly] The Human Fart!
Man: You're putting me on.
HF: No, no, I assure you that is my name.
Man: Well, I guess with that name, you'd be ASS-uring lots of people, wouldn't you. Good grief, I had no idea that was what you did.
HF: Well human, there seems to be as bit of a muddle.
Man: Yeah, well, I think so!
HF: So, I suppose you don't want to see my powers in action, after all.
Man: [Disgusted] No, not a chance... not from this distance.
HF: Well human, I'll leave you...
Man: Whoa, and waitaminute... what's with all this "human" this and "my human friend" that? You aren't an alien. Your name is "The HUMAN Fart."
HF: Well, I need some kind of a catchphrase or hook, don't I?
Man: What do you mean?
HF: Every hero has to have a schtick... a line that fits their personality and abilites. The Thing already has "It's Clobbering Time!" so I can't use that. What else have I got? "Have a big load of gas?" "Take a huge whiff of this, villian??"
Man: I suppose you have a point, there.
HF: And you try being the butt of all the jokes at the superhero academy.
Man: I bet they make you sit at the "rear" of the super vehicles too.
HF: Watch it smart-ass, or I'll let one.