You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Human What?

(Another bit from the upcoming DOUI TV show... just as soon as we can put a pilot script together and find someone lunatic enough at the networks to have a go. With the Writers Strike on, I figure they'll start to get desperate here in a few days. People can only take so many Lost reruns.)

[Scene: An office in New York City. A Man sits at the reception desk. He is on the phone. The alarms are going off.]

Man: Superhereos, Inc? Yes, we seem to have a security problem. The police haven't gotten here yet. You'll send someone right over? Fantastic! [hangs up]

[A man in yellow tights with a black cape enters the room dramatically.]

HF: How can I help you, human?

Man: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you.

HF: [louder] How can I help you, human??

Man: Are you the superhero from the agency??

HF: Yes!!

Man: Wow! How'd you get here so fast? Did you fly?

HF: Taxi.

Man: Ah! What's your name?

HF: What??

Man: Your name!

HF: [Dramatically] I am the Human Fart!

Man: [Cupping his hand to his ear] What?

HF: The Human Fart!!

Man: Ah, OK, I think I got it! Unusual name!

[The alarm suddenly stops. The phone rings.]

Man: Yes? Really? OK, thanks. [to HF] Sorry, false alarm. A panhandler thought one of the security cameras was a Prius windshield and was trying to clean it. It set off the alarm.

HF: Bit disappointing, my human friend. I was hoping for some action.

Man: Yeah, I guess I can see how that would be. Hey, you wouldn't mind demonstrating your powers before you go, would you?

HF: Really? You really want to see them?

Man: Yeah, sure. Sounds like it'd be pretty cool.

HF: Well human, it's just that I never get asked for demonstrations.

Man: Really? That's a shame, a big time hero like you? Well, listen to me talk, like I know anything! What is your specific power, anyway?

HF: [Reluctantly] Well, I sort of...

Man: Don't be embarrassed about it... Go on, toot your own horn! From the sound of the name, I'm sure it's cool.

HF: [Surprised] You really think so?

Man: Sure!

HF: Well... I emit an incapacitating cloud.

Man: Really? Man, I would like to see that in action!

HF: I never would have dreamed that someone would.

Man: I don't see why not. I bet there's all sorts of colours and swirls and stuff.

HF: There can be. It really depends on what I had for lunch that day.

Man: So, what happens when the cloud hits the bad guys?

HF: They usually clutch their throats and fall over straightaways.

Man: Hmmm...Don't they, like see stars or get blinded temporarily?

HF: Well, now that you mentioned it, that has happened at times. One fellow's eyes rolled right up in his head.

Man: I could see that happening with all those freaky designs and stuff.

HF: Designs?

Man: Yeah, you must create a bunch of wild patterns and designs and all sorts of crazy visuals, right?

HF: Well my human friend, perhaps people start to hallucinate a bit in that direction after awhile, but...

Man: With a name like "The Human Art," I can see why.

HF: I beg your pardon, what was that?

Man: I said, that with a name like "The Human Art," I can see why people would hallucinate.

HF: [Relieved - but not in that way] Oh, I see now! You thought I said "Human Art." No, no, my name is "The Human Fart!"

Man: Say what?

HF: [Proudly] The Human Fart!

Man: You're putting me on.

HF: No, no, I assure you that is my name.

Man: Well, I guess with that name, you'd be ASS-uring lots of people, wouldn't you. Good grief, I had no idea that was what you did.

HF: Well human, there seems to be as bit of a muddle.

Man: Yeah, well, I think so!

HF: So, I suppose you don't want to see my powers in action, after all.

Man: [Disgusted] No, not a chance... not from this distance.

HF: Well human, I'll leave you...

Man: Whoa, and waitaminute... what's with all this "human" this and "my human friend" that? You aren't an alien. Your name is "The HUMAN Fart."

HF: Well, I need some kind of a catchphrase or hook, don't I?

Man: What do you mean?

HF: Every hero has to have a schtick... a line that fits their personality and abilites. The Thing already has "It's Clobbering Time!" so I can't use that. What else have I got? "Have a big load of gas?" "Take a huge whiff of this, villian??"

Man: I suppose you have a point, there.

HF: And you try being the butt of all the jokes at the superhero academy.

Man: I bet they make you sit at the "rear" of the super vehicles too.

HF: Watch it smart-ass, or I'll let one.


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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Infamous Cell Phone Usage #3,245,927

I just dashed off to the public loo at my day job and there was a young man making a cell call from a urinal...whilst using the urinal, judging by the audio.

If this is multitasking in the 21st Century, you can have it.

And no, I don't think he washed the phone afterwards.