You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I had no idea elephants were so integral to marketing!

BNET (The CBS Interactive Business Network) provides us with the 25 weirdest job interview questions of 2010. My first response was, "Hey, I remember that question!" My second was to realize that I haven't interviewed for a job since 2008 and that was just the codeine talking.* 

However, when you look closely at the questions they're exactly the sensible and revealing kinds of interrogatives that you'd find on a prison psych exam. While I've never been in the joint or committed a felony, I'm pretty sure I can ace these.  See what you think:

1. If you were shrunk to the size of a pencil and put in a blender, how would you get out?
Through the top, silly.

2. How many ridges are there around a quarter?
The exact same as on a Ruffles potato chip, as required by the Declaration of Independence! (hums America the Beautiful)

3. What is the philosophy of martial arts?
A kick in the groin is as good as a punch in the face. - Lao Tzu

4. Explain to me what has happened in this country during the last 10 years
 Many, many, many, many things.

5. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 how weird you are
One below you. Ha!!!

6. How many basketballs can you fit in this room?
Inflated or deflated?

7. Out of 25 horses, pick the fastest 3 horses. In each race, only 5 horses can run at the same time. What is the minimum number of races required?
I can only determine this if I am the jockey for each horse.

8. If you could be any superhero, who would it be?
Flaming Carrot, who else? Ut!

9. You have a birthday cake and have exactly three slices to cut it into eight equal pieces. How do you do it?
Use the blender from question 1 and make eight equal piles of cake.

10. Given the numbers 1 to 1000, what is the minimum number of guesses needed to find a specific number if you are given the hint "higher" or "lower" for each guess you make?
One, if I'm right the first time. Up to 1,000 otherwise.

11. If you had 5,623 participants in a tournament, how many games would need to be played to determine the winner?
One game, winner take all! (And 1,000 decks of Go Fish cards)

12. An apple costs 20 cents, an orange costs 40 cents, and a grapefruit costs 60 cents. How much is a pear?
This question makes no sense, because it's just apples and oranges.

13. There are three boxes. One contains only apples, one contains only oranges, and one contains both apples and oranges. The boxes have been incorrectly labeled such that no label identifies the actual contents of its box. Opening just one box, and without looking in the box, you take out one piece of fruit. By looking at the fruit, how can you immediately label all of the boxes correctly?
Didn't you hear me in question 12?

14. How many traffic lights are in Manhattan?
Zero. This is based on the idea that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it, it doesn't make a sound. If a traffic light is in Manhattan and no one pays any attention to it, it does not exist.

15. You are in a dark room with no light. You have 19 grey socks and 25 black socks. What are the chances you will get a matching pair?
I have never accomplished this feat.

16. What do wood and alcohol have in common?
They can both knock you on your ass.

17. How do you weigh an elephant without using a weigh machine?
Use a scale. What the heck is a "weigh machine," anyway?

18. You have 8 pennies. Seven weigh the same, but one weighs less. You also have a judges scale. Find the penny that weighs less in three steps.
I can do this in one step. I would ask the judge.

19. Why do you think only a small portion of the population makes over $150,000?
No idea, but if that's what you're offering, I accept the job!

20. You are in charge of 20 people. Organize them to figure out how many bicycles were sold in your area last year.
I live in Antarctica, so I already know the answer is two. I would therefore assign all twenty people to "penguin duty." What's penguin duty? (Laughs) Oh, you don't want to know, trust me!

21. How many bottles of beer are [consumed] in the city [in a] week?
Which city? London? 3 billion. Riyadh? three.

22. What's the square root of 2000?
Because the answer is not a whole number, I can only answer this using interpretive dance.

23. A train leaves San Antonio for Houston at 60 mph. Another train leaves Houson for San Antonio at 80 mph. Houston and San Antonio are 300 miles apart. If a bird leaves San Antonio at 100 mph, and turns around and flies back once it reaches the Houston train, and continues to fly between the two, how far will it have flown when they collide?
Just what kind of sicko enjoys causing trains to collide?

24. How are M&Ms made?
Chocolate on the inside, hard colored candy shell on the outside. Everyone knows this!

25. What would you do if you just inherited a pizzeria from your uncle?
Impossible! My uncle owns a deli!

*Lest you think I'm a druggie, I'm taking the codeine - vicodin, to be specific - for back spasms. Lucky me!

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