You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Jennifer Pitt files for divorce...

Actually it's Jennifer Anniston who filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. Apparently, even though she continued to use the name Anniston professionally, she legally changed her name to Pitt when she married Brad the lad. I guess being known as Mrs. Pitt brought her down. Maybe when people referred to her as that, she thought her deodorant had failed? (Weak I know but I'm still in the midst of computer meltdown, so the bitterness is slopping over into the comedy...)

Brennifer is over. Bennifer is over. Are there any other celebrities named Jennifer who are on the rocks?

Yes, I still hate my computer and yes, Bill Gates is still a weasel.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Computer problems continue...

I have learnt a few things in the past couple of days and would like to share them with you.

  • Windows ME is the crappiest operating system known to man. The people who designed it should not be allowed to program so much as a filename utility ever again.
  • Bill Gates is a human weasel.
  • Gateway Tech support is a massive joke, masquerading as a customer service. They are nothing more than screen readers who, if they don't have the proper script to resolve your problem, will refer you to Gateway's pay to play support, something I like to refer to as "Gateway sucks money out of your bank account just because they can, the thieving bastards, Support"
  • Bill Gates is still a human weasel. The glasses cannot disguise his tail.
  • I saw a book yesterday which claimed that 1 of every 25 people has no conscience and can do anything and not feel guilty. Bill Gates is one of those people, and apparently he hires others to work for him in programming.
  • Windows ME stands for "Windows' Major Error" or "Windows Moronic Edition"

Wife Swap meets The Contender

While domestic violence is certainly no laughing matter we are wondering what this article may portend. I don’t know whether Yanni knew what reality TV show he was on, Wife Swap or The Contender. I think the absence of “Sugar Ray” Leonard or Sly Stallone should have given him some indication that punching his adolescent daughter was not the right option especially knowing a camera crew was waiting for him. Now the question is will some wiz over at the networks decide that combining reality television shows will be the next iteration of the genre. Here is what, heaven forbid, we might see next season.

Survivor for the Queer Guy – Jeff Probst takes the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to a remote island location giving them only rice, a machete, and a flint. Carson Kressley is immediately put out that the buffs (bandanas to Survivor neophytes) clash with his ensemble. The show is brought to a halt when Ted Allen slices off a finger trying to make canapés out of rice, guava nectar, and tilapia.

American Idol Apprentice – Donald Trump takes American Idol winners or runner-ups and promises them an apprenticeship and a recording contract. The epicene Clay Aiken is brought to tears when fired in the first show and Reuben Studdard is fired when he breaks Donald’s new leather sofa. Then again I have a feeling that Clay Aiken is constantly brought to tears.

Meet my Parents, the Osbournes – Jack Osbourne is betrothed to a good Catholic girl from rural Missouri who does not know his parents. Hilarity ensues as Ozzy bites the head off a bat and asks her if she would like the carcass as a souvenir. The series ends when the girl leaves the Osbournes mansion and heads directly to a convent after bathing in holy water.

Wife Swapping Contender – I’m sure the boys from Contender will be happy when the daughter abusing Yanni is brought in to try his hand at boxing. Sly is heard to remark “Hey, Paulie. That guy's face looks like hamburger.” “My name is Ray, RAY damn-it.”

Bachelor/ Bachelorette – This one is the most obvious, why don’t they cut out all the drama and just introduce the two. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I would just like to take this moment to say...

That Bill Gates and all his fellow human weasels at Microsoft are responsible for an enormous amount of human suffering.

Yes my PC is down, a Windows error, in the boot process. Also, it's a Windows ME machine.

You can all stop laughing now...especially the glasses-wearing billionaire geek from Redmond who by extension sold it to me in the first place.

Would you like a Biggie Toes with that?

From the files of the grotesque comes this story. In particular the line that caught my attention is the following:

"This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it," said Ben Gale, director of the department of environmental health for Santa Clara County. "Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited."

The passage is rife with interesting tidbits. "Had some kind of emotional reaction"!!! I think that would be abject horror mixed with a feeling of severe nausea to be exact. "Spit it out and recognized it", well spit it out goes without saying but the last part is a little cloudy. Did the reporter mean spit it out and realized it was A FINGER, or spit it out and recognized the finger as in, "Hey, Joe's been looking for that thing. " Something also tells me that the time between "had some kind of emotional reaction" and "vomited" was the smallest measureable increment of time there is. What would Dave Thomas say? "Where's the beef?" Just for fun here is a sampling of the new menu items coming to a Wendyz (to ease F. Johnny Lee's ulcer) near you.

  • Fried Chicken Fingers - hold the chicken
  • Deluxe Earlobe Salad
  • Toefu
  • Spicy Southwest Chipotle Fingernails
  • Triple Burger (Just as gross)
  • Double thick shake with eyelashes

Sorry, I can't go on I'm getting too hungry. I think I'll just eat a Butterfinger. D'OH!!!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

"Spring Break Shark Attack"

Aha! Spring Break! I missed that in the title of the CBS drama from Sunday. That explains why the screen was littered with nubile young women in bikinis. I had simply thought that Les Moonves was bored watching his own channel and asked the programmers to spice it up a bit.

I realize that, for many colleges, Spring Break is nearly over. However, should CBS wish, next season, to continue the theme of young hotties attacked by nature's most indimidating predators, here are some suggestions. Les, if you're reading and like some of these, I'm sure we can work out a development deal. E-mail me.

  • Spring Break Snake Attack - A group of young college women, visiting a nudist colony during spring break, are set upon by hordes of pythons, boa constrictors, and anacondas. (No, these are not Freudian references to the overactive libidos of the three young men who accompany them, as they are eaten before they reach the camp.) Young Brittney, after watching all of her classmates squeezed to death in extreme slow motion and HDTV (where available) finally devises a way to kill all the snakes by building a hydrogen bomb out of matchsticks and Elmer's glue, then boogie boarding away from the camp (also in extreme slow-motion) before the bomb detonates.
  • Spring Break Tiger Attack - A group of 10 young, female college cheerleaders on a tour of the Indian jungle, are attacked, while sunbathing, by over 400 cheerleader-eating tigers. Young Juniper is the last to survive and defeats the tigers when she realizes she is the great-great-great granddaughter of Annie Oakley and blows away the big cats, in extreme slow-motion, while wearing nothing but a Speedo bottom and strategically placed belts of ammo. (Note: No tigers or cheerleaders would be harmed during the making of this film.)
  • Spring Break Dingo Attack - 12 young hotties are dropped by parachute into the Australian Outback with only one Aussie man among them to guide them through the perils of the wilderness. Update: I've just been informed by Zimpter that this is, in fact, the plot of TBS series of last year: Outback Jack. My new plot summary changes the participants to 12 female biology students from the University of California at Los Angeles, who are attacked by 4 million dingos (no Freudian implications intended) while studying the effects scantily-clad co-eds have on the local koala population. The last remaining co-ed, Chantrelle, is saved when the koalas mount (again, no Freudian implications) a counter-attack against the dingos.
  • Spring Break Tyrannosaurus Rex Attack - a group of 25 young, extremely hot, undergraduate, female paleontology students are accidentally transported back into time to the age of the Tyrannosaurus Rex when their coach bus is mistakenly fueled with "grassoline". After learning to make fire by rubbing two sticks together (see Freudian etc... above), they are forced to live dressed in the same outift Raquel Welch wore in One Million Years B.C., only smaller and made of fleshtone lycra, and fight against the 17 million T-Rexs that have set up camp outside the tiny, extremely damp cave they have squeezed into for shelter. After all of the students have been eaten by the dinosaurs in extreme slow-motion and close-up, young Tiffany defeats the dinosaurs by discharging a old can of hair spray into the air, destroying the Earth's fledgling ozone layer and melting the dinosaurs with the radiation of the sun. Tiffany, who is protected by her SPF 48 sunblock from the devastating radiation, discovers the first man, Troy, a surprisingly hairless, six-foot four caveman. She takes him as her mate and changes the future of the world, producing a race of bikini wearing, super-amazonian women and their servile manslaves.

Seriously Les, send that e-mail. I think we can do business.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Shark Attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did anyone see the commercials for the "Shark Attack" movie on CBS recently? The one where someone spots a shark in the water among a crowd of happy sun-bathing youths, all between the ages of 18 and 25 and in immaculate physical condition, particularly the ones in bikinis...and then everyone looks up and there are about 700 hundred shark fins in the water? Was this a parody? A comedy, with gut-wrenching gore (for CBS that is)?

It inspired the following haiku(s):

Bikini clad waif
Swimming in the tropical
Sea. Look out! A shark!

I see no shark there
She laughs, tossing back her her
hair, adjusts her strap

She is still laughing
When the shark eats her left leg
The one with the mole

The shark then has its
Second course, with Chianti
(Bad Hannibal joke)

She is gulped down like
Tuna chum, only prettier
And people scream loud

Everyone looks up
There are a million sharks out
There now. Freaky dude!

The fins are like hairs
in a razor commercial
The mass eating starts

Is that Jim Carrey?
No, just some third rate actor
chomped in half by sharks

Silly, silly film
Sharks do not congregate like
This...only bad filmmakers.

Now the people are
Going to strike back. We need
A million Robert Shaws.

The new TV show of the Jorge Carlito

I was considering to have a cooking show on the Food Network where I would demonstrate how to make the most delicious dishes of my homeland like Ojo de Vaca con Salsa de Junio, but I call to the food network to ask for a chance to do the audition and conversation with Food Network representative going something like this:

Rep -- Hello?

JCV -- Hello, this is Jorge Carlito Viejo, president and founder of Waste of Time Productions.

Rep -- Excuse me, what?

JCV -- Oh, uh, my name Jorge Carlito Viejo, president and founder of Waste of Time Productions.

Rep -- I'm sorry, sir, I don't know what any of that means. Who are you?

JCV -- I was interested to come down to Food Network for audition to have show where I cook the delicious dish of my homeland of example being Carne de Olor con Feos.

Rep -- Hmmm....nope, didn't understand a word of it.

JCV -- Okay, I speak the more slowly. I wanting to have show of cooking where I am prepare the delicious foods of my homeland in slow motion with close-up for the purpose of salivate the audience and make peoples to eating more food.

Rep -- (sigh) Was that the English language?

JCV -- Which what? Language, what?

Rep -- What?

JCV -- What you say just now before?

Rep -- No, I didn't understand you. What?

JCV -- No, I say the what first.

Rep -- What?

JCV -- The what?

Rep -- What is the what? What?

And on it go for two hour before phone line get mysteriously disconnected. So I will not have cooking show. I am planning now for next great Jorge Carlito Viejo adventure. Maybe amusement park called Crooked Clown Paradise with eight hundred clowns roaming around making balloons and knitting.


that the new diet guidelines are going to work comes in this article. It is sweeping the country like a chocolate fragranced wind my friends.

I'm off to invent bacon-wrapped dark chocolates as we speak.

I'll have the bacon wrapped cheddar log.

Another one of those slow weeks here at DOUI. My “March Madness” tournament bracket was shot so full of holes over the weekend I ate it with ham on a bagel. All of the beautiful people are soaking up the sun on Spring Break or risking life and limb on the ski slopes, so what is a freelance comedy writer to do? You always have your health. This article, which espouses the use of pomegranate juice for heart health, was just the ticket for me as I lounged around in my pajamas smoking a Montecristo No. 2. It seemed the simplest way to keep my heart healthy while not undergoing any major life changes. Thank you Dr. Claudio Napoli M.D. Ph.D. of the University of Naples School of Medicine!!! Or so I thought. That was before a retraction of the sentence, “Napoli said that while it is hard to extrapolate data from mice to humans, an equivalent amount of pomegranate juice for humans would be the equivalent of about 16 ounces daily.” Seems the good doctor had fouled up the extrapolation and it turns out you have to drink 16 GALLONS A DAY.

When this news got to the American Medical Association and the USDA it caused them to do a review of their formulas for diet and exercise as well. It seems that the formulas have been screwed up for the last fifty or so years and they have had to revise the portion size and types of food. I was privy to a first draft of the new guidelines.

Fruits and Vegetables – 2 serving per week. Mainly processed fruit snacks containing only 10% fruit juice and vegetable snack crackers with processed cheese spread.

Meats and Fish – 10 servings per day. At least 5 of the servings should be bacon or a processed bacon substitute made of at least 80% organ meat. Fish should be limited to fish sticks or restaurant fish fillets fried in a thick batter. Steak should accompany every meal.

Milk, Yogurt, and Cheese – 5 servings per day. Mainly cheese and whole milk eaten by themselves for a snack. If you are lactose intolerant substitute another serving of bacon and drink 2 gallons of sweet tea.

Bread, Cereal, Rice, and Pasta – 8 servings a day. Cereal should be limited to artificially sweetened varieties with large doses of dye. At least four servings should be wheat or grain beverages such as beer or whisky. For children “near-beer” should be substituted.

Fats, Oils, and Sweets – 24 servings a day. These food items should be carried around by the individual all day and eaten at regular intervals.

A normal adult should get at least 20 minutes of exercise a day in one of the following forms:

  • Television remote lifts followed by a set of snack thrusts.

  • A set of 100 twelve ounce curls followed by a walk to the bathroom.

  • Origami using fruit roll-ups or American cheese slices.

With time and a bit of luck we can reverse 50 years of quack science and this country can once again be lean and mean. Keep hope alive.

Monday, March 21, 2005

"Sexploration" or how low can MSNBC descend?

MSNBC has a recent addition to their website called (wait for it) Sexploration. One gets the feeling that they hired the old "adult film" movie writers, the same guys responsible for the old Times Square titles, to name the site for them (or maybe some ex-Fox programming executives.) I won't link to the site, so as not to encourage them any further, but here are some of the titles of the articles. As Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up:

  • Twisted or just kinky?
  • The swingin' set
  • Schools offer couples lessons in love

Note how they add the apostrophe and leave off the "g" in swinging, just to give it that hip, easy-going feel, the shameless bastards.

Now, some of you may feel that I'm being prudish and elitist, and that MSNBC is simply trying to offer a service for its readers who can't afford to subscribe to Penthouse. Others may simply argue that open discussion of sexuality is a part of modern Western culture and I should "loosen up my mojo" or something peculiar and vaguely euphemistic like that.

To both groups I heartly say, "Go suck an egg!" Nonetheless, I will, in the spirit of goodwill, offer up a couple of subject lines that MSNBC may feel free to use in the future, if they have the cojones.

  • NBC News - What really goes on underneath the anchor desk?
  • Brian Williams - Does he get Brokaw's groupies?
  • Get Connected baby and mean connected!
  • Keith Obermann's not just counting down - he's gettin' down!
  • Why they really call it Hardball (and why Chris Matthews is always shouting)
  • Today - A haven for swingers?
  • Can makeup and a teleprompter be considered foreplay?
  • Meat the Press - need we say more? (Just don't press the ...never mind)
  • Leather, ladies, and Lester
  • Dateline - it's all about the dates!
  • Katie Couric: Catwoman or Xena?
  • Sometimes a microphone is just a microphone...but other times!
  • MSNBC - We do everything on camera

and just to be on the safe side...

  • MSNBC lawyers - why they always satisfy their partners

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Don't call us, we'll call you...

Ever since the "Do not call" list was set up in theUnited States, the telemarketing business has plummeted in size and scope. Since "telemarketing" is a term that specifically means "we will call you at the most inconvenient times to bother you about services that you don't want, need, or may even be morally opposed to" this trend has been a postive boon for Americans.

As a result telemarketers have become increasingly more desperate to find ways to justify their business. They have very actively pushed themselves towards the loopholes of the law, whereby charities and also businesses you have a relationship with (i.e. your bank account, credit card companies, etc.) can call you if they so choose.

Now, most people would understand that the least likely way to get someone to donate money or buy a service from you would be to call them at their home during dinner or in the morning on a weekend. They would realize that to make such a call would be to invite cursing of the foulest kind, delivered at full volume, into the ear of some poor, low-income worker, not actually associated with the company or charity in any way, but merely employed by the human trolls who invented telemarketing as a way to punish mankind for developing a civilization that makes concrete bridges they can't build their earthen homes under, and for creating toll bridges, whereby the government not only takes a cut of the troll's usual racket, but cuts out the little buggers altogether.

Nonetheless, the calls still come on occasion, and the desparation can be heard in their very nature. Two such recent calls come to mind. One was from our credit card company, which shall remain nameless so that unusual and mysterious little charges don't start appearing on our monthly bill or so that, alternately, we aren't suddenly and inexplicably switched over to the "poor-credit" account, wherein any delay of a monthly payment, by even a microsecond, is swiftly punished by a 40% penalty on the balance due, and the dock. (And people say debtor's prison is a thing of the past...) The other call was from a local fraternal police organization and I shall deal with that in a moment.

The first call was quite clearly from India. Many telemarketers have outsourced their labour to India, not because it's cheaper, but because telemarketing hasn't quite reached the scornful status there that it has here. The person on the other end of the line spoke absolutely perfect English with a Punjab accent so thick you couldn't cut through it with a CutCo knife. After adjusting my brain to the frequency I reserve normally for the local curry outlet, I found that the young lady on the other end of the line was already halfway through the usual pre-written spiel about some service or other that the company wanted to offer you, at a minor monthly charge of course.

Now, came my regular strategy. I asked the question I have developed from years of practice, one designed to cut off this 15 minute oratory inside 60 seconds. "Excuse me miss, but is this a solicitation call?" This question is highly effective for two reasons. First, the caller is stunned by the question enough to stop and actually listen to me, mostly becuase they have to think a few moments to realize I'm not really asking if the call is prostitution-related. (Any other question and the caller would continue on as if you had only coughed.) Second, it allows me to focus on my chief goal in the conversation, which is ending it as quickly as possible without bloodshed.

There was then, what was for a telemarketing call, a very lengthy pause on the line...perhaps 2 seconds. Normally the answer to my question is a begrudging "yes", to which I can respond, "I'm sorry, but we're not interested...thank you for calling," and then hang up the phone while they frantically tell me that if I really do need anything there's this 1-800 number I can dial. Strangely though, her answer was "no". Followed by, what was for a telemarketing call, an unnervingly long pause of nearly 4 seconds. I felt like a western gunslinger who had just got the drop on one of the hired hands of an old adversary. I responded, "So, you're calling to tell me about a service that we already have?" "Yes," came the chagrined reply. As I hung up I could hear her speed-reading the 1-800 number. She'd obviously had a lot of practice that day.

The second call happened just this morning. Though I may be mistaken, and Mrs. Fando assurred me I am not, there is a provision in telemarketing law whereby they may not call before the hours of 9 a.m. or after 9 p.m. local time. This call came at approximately 8:30 a.m. and was for, as I mentioned, a local chapter of the fraternal order of police. There appear to be several thousand of these organizations in our area, all with their own individual fund-raising drives, who call in shifts of 48 hour intervals. They call so frequently that if I wanted to, I have no doubt that I could easily be on a first-name basis with the telemarketers at the other end, were the turnover rate not so high in telemarketing, as employes move on to better and more rewarding jobs, such as the night shift at the local Burger King.

Anyway, I patiently delivered the standard answer I give all charities that do phone solicitations, that we only accept solicitations via mail, because we can't make a financial decision over the phone, and that they should send us a mailing. While he prepared to ask me for confirmation of our address (which according to their records was 1600 Pennsylvania Ave...sometimes I get carried away), Mrs. Fando reminded me of the aforementioned provision about not calling before 9 p.m. I asked the caller about it and he stammered back something about "being behind on calls and starting a bit early today".

So, let me see, a telemarketing company representing a fraternal police organization, believes it can flout the laws governing telemarketing because they were "behind on calls"?

The next time I am pulled over for speeding, I shall issue the following statement to the officer unfortunate enough to meet me: "I'm sorry officer. I was behind on getting to work today, and decided that I needed to do 90 miles an hour to get there, and if that's good enough for your bloody telemarketers, it should be good enough for you."