"Spring Break Shark Attack"

Aha! Spring Break! I missed that in the title of the CBS drama from Sunday. That explains why the screen was littered with nubile young women in bikinis. I had simply thought that Les Moonves was bored watching his own channel and asked the programmers to spice it up a bit.

I realize that, for many colleges, Spring Break is nearly over. However, should CBS wish, next season, to continue the theme of young hotties attacked by nature's most indimidating predators, here are some suggestions. Les, if you're reading and like some of these, I'm sure we can work out a development deal. E-mail me.

• Spring Break Snake Attack - A group of young college women, visiting a nudist colony during spring break, are set upon by hordes of pythons, boa constrictors, and anacondas. (No, these are not Freudian references to the overactive libidos of the three young men who accompany them, as they are eaten before they reach the camp.) Young Brittney, after watching all of her classmates squeezed to death in extreme slow motion and HDTV (where available) finally devises a way to kill all the snakes by building a hydrogen bomb out of matchsticks and Elmer's glue, then boogie boarding away from the camp (also in extreme slow-motion) before the bomb detonates.
• Spring Break Tiger Attack - A group of 10 young, female college cheerleaders on a tour of the Indian jungle, are attacked, while sunbathing, by over 400 cheerleader-eating tigers. Young Juniper is the last to survive and defeats the tigers when she realizes she is the great-great-great granddaughter of Annie Oakley and blows away the big cats, in extreme slow-motion, while wearing nothing but a Speedo bottom and strategically placed belts of ammo. (Note: No tigers or cheerleaders would be harmed during the making of this film.)
• Spring Break Dingo Attack - 12 young hotties are dropped by parachute into the Australian Outback with only one Aussie man among them to guide them through the perils of the wilderness. Update: I've just been informed by Zimpter that this is, in fact, the plot of TBS series of last year: Outback Jack. My new plot summary changes the participants to 12 female biology students from the University of California at Los Angeles, who are attacked by 4 million dingos (no Freudian implications intended) while studying the effects scantily-clad co-eds have on the local koala population. The last remaining co-ed, Chantrelle, is saved when the koalas mount (again, no Freudian implications) a counter-attack against the dingos.
• Spring Break Tyrannosaurus Rex Attack - a group of 25 young, extremely hot, undergraduate, female paleontology students are accidentally transported back into time to the age of the Tyrannosaurus Rex when their coach bus is mistakenly fueled with "grassoline". After learning to make fire by rubbing two sticks together (see Freudian etc... above), they are forced to live dressed in the same outift Raquel Welch wore in One Million Years B.C., only smaller and made of fleshtone lycra, and fight against the 17 million T-Rexs that have set up camp outside the tiny, extremely damp cave they have squeezed into for shelter. After all of the students have been eaten by the dinosaurs in extreme slow-motion and close-up, young Tiffany defeats the dinosaurs by discharging a old can of hair spray into the air, destroying the Earth's fledgling ozone layer and melting the dinosaurs with the radiation of the sun. Tiffany, who is protected by her SPF 48 sunblock from the devastating radiation, discovers the first man, Troy, a surprisingly hairless, six-foot four caveman. She takes him as her mate and changes the future of the world, producing a race of bikini wearing, super-amazonian women and their servile manslaves.

Seriously Les, send that e-mail. I think we can do business.