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Friday, March 18, 2005

Well, I guess I'll just have to shoot you now...

Apparently the Federal bureaus of United States law enforcement (and not of interior design, as some of you may have mentally noted after seeing the word "bureaus") have decided to no longer use tasers or "stun guns" because they have been responsible for some deaths. Shooting with a large gun will remain the favorite way for agents to subdue suspects.

We at DOUI feel there must be some middle ground for these law enforcement agencies between temporarily frying a suspect like lean bacon, and blowing large, gaping holes in them with high caliber firearms. To help, I humbly offer the following non-lethal inventions:

  • The Helenizer: This device is designed to briefly flash a large picture of longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas, completely nude, at an assailant. During the resultant blindness and shock, authorites can easily handcuff the suspect. Also comes in the following varieties: Barbara Bush, Barbara Mikulski, and Michael Jackson (although this last variety has been found lethal in laboratory tests with rats.)
  • The Flatulator: This is a variation on pepper spray, only instead of capsaicin, the weapon produces the intensified flatulence odor of a 50-something tractor-trailer driver who has recently consumed a half-dozen bean and egg burritos. In testing, this device repeately brought a six-foot seven, 300 pound man to his knees in less than three seconds. The only downside is that agents using the device must wear gas masks to avoid incapacitating themselves.
  • The Mousse Gun: This weapon fires a thin, highly compressed stream of chocolate mousse into the mouth of suspects. The device can deliver the equivalent of 45 cups of mousse per second. The suspect instantly becomes full and sleepy, and is easily subdued. One note: This device is absolutely useless against Takeru Kobayashi.
  • The Lohan Looper: This device works on a principle similar to the Helenizer. The device will alternatingly flash between a photo of Lindsey Lohan in Freaky Friday and a more recent photo of the actress in a low cut dress. The assailant will immediately be stunned senseless attempting to reconcile the anatomical differences between the photos. Warning: This device should not be used when attempting to subdue physicists or teenage boys, as it may cause their heads to explode.
  • The Snot Shooter: This instrument requires some subtle trickery on behalf of the agent wielding it. The device itself simply dipsenses a large quantity of green goo on command, the kind of substance found in bulk in toy stores and Nickelodeon programming. The trick is that the device is attached to the agent's nose. As the suspect approaches, the agent feigns a sneeze, discharging the weapon in the process. In tests, subjects have been known to be psychologically immobilized for up to seven hours after being subdued with this device.


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