It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Fando's Quotes

Strangely enough, I came across Stew's quote post just as I was finshing up another laborious round of gathering some not-so-famous quotes for my own collection: Earl Fando's Not Entirely Validated Collection of Quotes. The tome will include quotes attributed to the world's celebrities, cognescenti, and people you vaguely remember from old episodes of Hollywood Squares. The difference between these quotes and the ones in Barlett's is not only are they unfamiliar to the general public, but they may, in fact, have been made up and ascribed to these people to give them a certain authority, or as a cheap joke at their expense (this latter category makes up at least 99.9% of the quotes in the book and is explained in detail in the disclamer, pages 3 to 47.)

Anyway, for what it's worth, here is a sample. I'm still looking for a publisher of course, probably shall be until the day I shuffle off this mortal coil...

  • "I have never met a squid I didn't like" - Earl Holliman, costar Police Woman, at an international rally for shellfish at Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco
  • "Give me some skin, my soul brother!" - Jesse Helms, Funkedelic Concert, 1981
  • "I eat punks like you for lunch, you miserable crapweasels!" - Princess Grace, just before a barfight, Monaco, 1974
  • "Who the hell put this porcupine in my rumble seat?" - Plato, The Republic, Volume II - The Klumps
  • "I gets ta, gets ta, gets ta goin' b-b-b-b-b-baby!" - Davy Crockett, U.S. House of Representatives, 1830, during a debate on peanut tariffs
  • "All your base belong to us!" - Immanuel Kant - A Critique of Pure Reason, Chapter 7, The Epistemological Roots of Idealism or How I became Extremely Boring to the Opposite Sex
  • "Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and Herpes" - Ovid, A Letter to My Sisters
  • "Has anyone seen my mascara and push-up bra?" - Adolf Hitler, Nuremburg, 1936
  • "Liberty it is like the air we breathe, like the very waters that give us sustenance, we crave it as the babe craves its mother's milk, like the bird craves the open winds!" - Lou Costello, "Who's on First", radio broadcast, 1954
  • "I get so pumped up doing these leg squats!" - Barbara Streisand, Funny Girl, outtake
  • "Mother, will you lay off the beans, the place smells like a pasture!" - Prince Charles, Opening of Parliament, 1985
  • "Hey baby, wanna see what makes my nose turn red?" - Bill Clinton, My Life, pages 7, 27, 439, 562, 900, 7,645, 10,789, 12,586, 42,791, and 124,922

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