The Best of DOUI for 2006

At last we've finally got to this. Another year of DOUI has come and gone, and been gone for 3 months now. While many say good riddance, we prefer to look back over 2006's twists, turns, and comedic groin pulls with fond adoration... so deal with it.

Here are our choices for the Best of The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas for 2006...finally. Look for yourselves. It was a hell of a strange year.

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First off... The Top 28

• June Carter, could you pass me that whoopee cushion? - The man in black goes for laughs.
• You know, for a pacifist, you're quite brutal - Earl's painful interview with the legendary Billy Jack.
• The Winter Olympics just don't kick enough ass. - Stew gives the Winter Games a violent but needed facelift.
• Cookbook of the Damned - Pandemic groupie Eric Pianka meets the Food Network.
• "Look what they did to Uday's house!!" - Saddam may be dead, but his trial was full of life. Sick, perverted life, but life nonetheless.
• Wait a minute...did you say "The Masters?!?!" - Strange as it seems, there are two men in the world named Hootie.
• It's still frickin' cold!!!!!!!! - Ice, ice, baby. Flavin!
• Nuffy Noe to join DOUI - Nuffy Noe joins the gang. Little did he know...know, Noe...there's a joke in there somewhere.
• This is a Paid Commercial Advertisement - Nuffy and Five Times Better. You won't regret it... much.
• Explanations that are Five Times Better - Five Times Better, continued.
• Ungawa this, Tarzan! - Earl interviews Cheetah in the golden years of his life. Cheetah's golden years, not Earl's.
• Miller's Movie Mania - Mission Impossible III...sort of... I mean it's fairly close, if you were Crispin Glover on acid.
• Inspire This!! - Inspiring films aren't always what you remember them to be.
• Elvis is dead? Really?... - Then how could Earl interview him?
• Five Times the Mutated People - The X-Men, Nuffy-style. An improvement, we'd say.
• Five Times the Da Vinci - Nuffy busts a move on the DaVinci Code.
• BOORRRINNGGG: Da Vinci Code Disappoints - Da Vinci = DeVito? Who knew?
• The Forgotten Teletubby - There was a reason they forgot him. He's just awful.
• When the Cat's Away, the Nuffy Will Play - Someone left Nuffy with the blog keys.
• The Torfivious Mr. Spock - We hear the arms are all the rage.
• Great Moments in Star Trek History: The Early Years - Who doesn't remember them?
• I should know a flesh-eating zombie when I see one. - It's true. Stew used to live in a flesh-eating zombie commune.
• Two: Random Thoughts from a Genius - Linus's second post. Who gave him contest authority?
• Turducken: The Way of the Future - Soon we will all be eating them.
• Children Around the World Rejoice! Pajamawaffle is Back!! - Linus's most recent post. Zimpter take notice.
• Science Becomes Five Times Worse - Also known as "The Failure of Astronomy to Recognise that Pluto is a Planet, Dammit!"
• Kim Thinks He's the Bomb - The tiny tyrant's atomic follies.
• Is Castro All Right? (Eez all right.) - Just ask Hugo Chavez and his little friend.

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The rest of the best...

• Slogans Whose Time Have Come - Well their time hasn't really come and never will in a million years. They're brutally honest though.
• Memories... of course my memory is not so good these days. - A rather sketchy memoir of 2005
• Sign Me Up! - Stew evaluates some of the worst jobs people can do and finds some dubious silver linings.
• He's Billy. He's Jack. He's Billy Jack! - A review of the character, the film series, and the runs it gave those of us who watched.
• All right, who here is a mime? C'mon! Speak up!! - What happens when mimes organise.
• And all along we thought it was Colin Farrell - Stew goes back in time to interview the most fertile man in Ireland. Better than it sounds.
• Niall of the Nine Hostages - The Musical!!! - The ballad of the bloke Stew went back in time to interview.
• Miss America goes Vegas! - Truly a marriage made in purgatory.
• So are the days of my life... - Two words: subdural hematomas
• The Infamous Memoir of Lies -- Oprah Edition - Jorge writes from the big house. About Devito. Surprise, surprise.
• The World According to Chuck Norris - Earl gets into the newest fad: Making up crap about Chuck Norris. Did you know Chuck Norris' cologne is the scent of death?
• Chuck Norris Blogs...People Die - Seriously, we barely escaped with our lives.
• At Last, the Noblest Poet Translated - Thrill to the exquisite metrical wordplay of a truly obsessive poetic mind.
• Best Picture This! - Earl reviews the Oscar Best Picture nominees, and the Vought Corsair.
• Stew's Film File - Like Pandora's Box, only with shoddy films.
• Bum...etc. A DOUI Bode Olympic Miller Update! - Bodepalooza at NBC's coverage of the Winter Olympics.
• A most felicitous Valentines to all - Luke P. Short reveals his romantic secrets.
• Willie goes Brokeback on us. I am de-pressed. - Luke P. Short on Willie Nelson, gay cowboys, and big boots.
• Everything for the man of the land. - Like J. Peterman's, only real. Sort of.
• Nip it...Nip it in the Bud!! - Max Speebek says goodbye to Don Knotts.
• Give me a six pack of the Chateau Mouton Rothschild! - Stew does wine. Lots of it.
• Where'd Earl Shuffle Off To? - Earl's live-blogging training regimen
• Oscars, Oscars, Oscars - Celebrites also prepare for the Annual DOUI Oscar Live Blog
• The 2006 Oscar Live Blog - Scroll down to the second to last post and then read up until you get bored. The Live Blog runs to about 75 posts after that point.
• Hip to be square. - Shakira's hips have a mind of their own.
• Mad as a March Hareness! - Earl fills out an NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket, and the space-time continuum collapses.
• Tom and Oprah - The post was OK, but that picture...
• Bacon that's good for you? I must be dreaming! - The wonders of bacon and other scientific crap.
• Football, Football...continued - Earl as ruthless footy manager. Josh Wolff and Mia Hamm beware.
• United States Surrenders to France - Kind of unexpected, wasn't it?
• The end is near!!! Maybe... for a few. - Stew interviews nutcase Eric Pianka.
• It's tough to be a rat. - Word.
• Masters fog slowly lifting - A look into a bleak future and also golf.
• Being a ninja isn't easy. - Ninjas. Pirates. Confused federal investigators.
• TGIF-Fridays (Thetans Get In Free on Fridays) - Tom Cruise serves up a heapin' helpin' of placenta.
• Would you care for a jelly baby? Pop tart? Shot of rum? - The Doctor pays a house call.
• Well, hey we're movin' on up!!!!!! - Not the Jeffersons. Stew, gets a "new" computer.
• Welcome to the End of the Universe - Miller does Adams does Starbucks. Jolting, to say the least.
• Maybe he'll accidentally shoot himself? - It was touch and go there, but the Iraqi and U.S. military saved him the embarassment.
• No Joy in Blaine-ville. - You try holding your breath underwater for a full ten minutes after standing in a block of ice at the top of the Eiffel Tower. It's not as easy as it looks.
• DaVinci Code Madness - Dan Brown is Joe Garagiola (Long time Letterman fans will know.)
• I've been Five Times Remiss - Stew applies the Five Times Better system to his family vacation.
• Five Times Better -- Phase One - Phase One is actually part three. Is anyone following this?
• Post Number 1,000!!! - It's not spectacular, but it is our 1,000th post.
• Enough with the "Five Times Betterness"... - Earl flips out on betterness regimens.
• Come in Elvis...Can you hear me Mr. Presley... - Uri Geller goes house hunting.
• Piercing Eyewear - Body piercing fans won't even touch this stuff.
• Rules for Mr. Roboto-san - It's about ruddy time.
• This is going too far!!!!! - David Copperfield gets his freak on. Not a long journey, as they say.
• Jumping for Nothing - Inventions for people who need nothing...sort of.
• The Secret Language of Referees - Not Braille, surprisingly.
• Paranoia: Is it more than just an oddly spelled word? - Stew struggles with reality, not for the first time.
• World Cup Fever - Earl's just one of 2 billion who've caught it.
• Smells like teen spirit...and sardines. - KISS has a fragrance? Well, we all knew it, we just didn't think someone would put it in a bottle.
• Fives Times the Play - Nuffy Noe: Playwright. Someone please wake Neil Simon.
• Are you a man...or a mouse?!?!?!? - If only the producers of Nacho Libre had known how thrilling adding an experiment on rats to their film could be.
• Five Times the World Cup - Hint: Nuffy wrote it and he's not talking about Brasil's wins.
• Five Times the Mark Northover - The legendarization of Mr. Northover begins.
• Five Times the Torfivius - We're still looking it up, just in case it comes up in a game of Scrabble.
• And he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... - Bruno the Bear, that is...the poor bastard.
• Improving Language for All Humanity - Well, it's about time someone did. Also includes the definition of "torfivius" or so Nuffy claims.
• Five Times the Shatner - Northover, Shatner, Pon Farr!
• Live Long, and Remake - Earl casts the Star Trek remake. It's not as bad as you'd think.
• All right, about Stew's Frappuccino problem - "Sounds like 'breath' though."
• Five Times the Nerdtastic Adventures - We've no idea, quite frankly. Work it out amongst yourselves.
• Celebrities have patriotic feelings too!!!!!! - They just choose to express them with drugs.
• The Right to Vote...For So-So Movies - The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences...more perks than a Starbucks.
• I wanna be, wanna be like... Ivanka? Why not me? - Dubai on a budget.
• Jackie Falls off the Wagon - Jackie Chan: Entertaining even whilst smashed out of his gourd.
• The Disappearance of Hope - And Mark Northover. How could we have known he'd passed on?
• NEwo form DOIU!!!! - Mysteries of the human mind, like, why are you reading this right now?
• I'm Not a Winner. - Earl doesn't win the lottery.
• The World in Crisis - Did we tell you Mark Northover had passed on. Keep in mind that we didn't know that at the time.
• A Bewitching Festival - Salem, Massachusettes goes commercial, Derwood.
• *SHRIEK* The World Five Times Worse - Mark Northover passed away, but Nuffy took the news fairly well.
• Steve Ballmer is the Sweatiest Man Alive - Strangely enough, Mark Northover fits prominently into this one.
• Scum Scum update - Wrapping up loose ends about the forgotten Teletubby. They're all rather slimy, too.
• The Torso Must Go On - Spock' sTorso. Must've been a sequel to Spock's Brain.
• Is Castro Alive? - In such a lethal environment?
• Tonight on Biography... - Stew seeks his raison d'etere and finds Mission Impossible.
• Not a Moment Too Soon - Night of the Mission Living Impossible Dead.
• I'm sure he's very worried...I would be - Castro gets sick. Elian writes.
• ******Breaking News****** - More on Castro's downfall.
• We interrupt this comedy blog for a Peter Graves flesh-eating zombie report - What could we possibly add to that?
• Planetary Politics Piss off Pluto. (Not the dog) - Pluto, not a planet? Balderdash
• To go where no geriatric has gone before. - The 40th Anniversary of Star Trek: TOS, known as Star Trek: The Oldest Show.
• Golden Star Trek Moments - More Star Trek...and why not???
• The world's hottest chilli is from Dorset??? - What's next? Flamenco dancing in High Wycombe?
• I didn't see that one coming... - Pants off, anyone?
• Obsession Part II - More on Peter Graves. Hands like butter, that one.
• Lies, all lies I tell you. I hope, anyway. - More on Peter Graves and a surprisingly accurate depiction of Earl's holidays.
• Zombie Deliverance - Earl rambles on about his holiday and James Carville's banjo skills.
• Great Moments in Star Trek History: The Movie Years - No, that's not an oxymoron, you Philistines.
• Linus Coconut to join DOUI... Maybe. - A brief introduction to the man, the myth, the meatball.
• Science Myths or Not? - Myth-busting, the DOUI way.
• Putting one foot in front of the other! - The gripping spectacle of footvolley!
• One - Linus Coconut joins the gang.
• Habeo Tui Apologia Utilis Hic!! - The Pope apologises? Does he wear a funny hat, too?
• I can't take it any more!!!!!!! - Stew's Japanese Monster Madness.
• Yuki-san! Look out for that monster!!! - Earl's Japanese Monster Madness.
• Linus WHO? - Nuffy calls out Linus.
• Save the Roaches!!! - The perils of roach-based cuisine
• Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Wet... - Unfortunate is the only word we can think of.
• They mean business...THIS TIME!!!! - The UN's impressive response to North Korea's nuclear programme. We're kidding of course.
• Happy Birthday Life!!!!!!! - but can they blow out all those candles?
• Grip it and rip it...or stick it? - Earl writes about baseball. Pass the smelling salts.
• The GAN Is Back, Baby! - Novel Writing is in. Good thing, too.
• Earl's Novel - Prologue, Part I (Yes, Earl wrote a novel, as part of National Novel Writing Month. What an ordeal. The writing, not the reading. Well, you can decide.)
• Earl's Novel - Prologue, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 1, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 1, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 2, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 2, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 3, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 3, Part II
• 2nd Annual Halloween Spectacular (or Spectacle, Whatever) - Stew breaks up the monotony of the novel or interrupts a thrilling good read, depending on your perspective.
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 4, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 4, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 5, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 5, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 6, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 6, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 7, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 7, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 8
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 9, Part I
• Prithee, knock on our door... - Another merciful break in the novel from Stew. Can'st thine heart bear it?
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 9, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 10, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 10, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 11, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 11, Part II
• Top 10 Reasons We Should Win Funniest Blog - Earl bowls for awards... fails to take a wicket.
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 12, Part I
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 12, Part II
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 12, Part III
• Earl's Novel - Chapter 13
• Earl's Novel - Epilogue - Admit it. You're glad for it.
• DOUI Mailbag - Just because we love our readers. All 5 of them.
• Partying like it's 1999! - Clooney + DeVito = Party! We don't understand the new maths at all.
• We Get Hate Mail! - One of our proudest moments.
• Star Wars Redeux - Sure it's behind the times, but it's Star Wars!
• That's Franken-steen. - Genetic researchers are mental; but you knew that already.
• Harry Potter and the Last Grab for Glory - The final Potter book has been titled, but Ms. Rowling could have done far better.
• DOUI Wins Blog of the Day! - All right, it's not a very funny post, but Christmas came early for us in 2006.
• Saddam Snuffs It - Just to prove this site is really unfortunate, this followed just after Christmas.