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Thursday, August 31, 2006

Obsession Part II

I feel that I have fallen behind in my obsession over Peter Graves. One of the problems with having a good, healthy obsession is that Peter hasn’t done a lot of work lately. My attempts to fawn over his work in It Conquered the World or Beginning of the End to people these days usually only returns looks of stunned confusion and pity. Although I like those looks in general it would be better if they all shared my high esteem for the man and his oeuvre.

In an effort to rectify this situation I have begun writing the teleplay for a new situation comedy starring this pillar of the acting community. The plot of the sitcom concerns a middle-aged divorcee played by Shirley Jones who is raising two young boys, aged 12 and 9, with the help of their stodgy old Uncle Billy. Peter plays the nine year old. The two other actors are Danny Bonaduce as Danny and Billy Connelly as Uncle Billy. Please enjoy this snippet from the first episode currently being written.

That’s Just Peter

By Stew Miller

Applause as Peter enters and throws his school bag on the couch and turns on the television.

Peter: Mom, I’m home from school.

Mom: Are you going to sit in front of that TV all night again?

Peter: I thought I might catch a re-run of the classic Mission Impossible or A&E’s Biography. (Laughter)

Mom: Do you want something for dinner?

Peter: Naw, just a glass of scotch and a pack of Camels.

Mom: (Putting her apron on) It’s pork chop night. Go tell Danny and Uncle Billy to come down and get ready to eat.

Peter goes to the stairs and sits in the Liftmaster 3000 which takes him to the top. In Danny’s room we see Danny and Uncle Billy working with pipe bombs and loading bullets into clips for automatic weapons.

Peter: It’s supper time. Hey, what are you guys doing in here?

Uncle Billy: Uh, we’re planning a… hunting trip. Yeah, we were thinking of going up to the Adirondacks and hunting some whippets.

Peter: Aren’t those dogs?

Uncle Billy looks flustered and is about to pull the pin on a grenade. Danny grabs his hand.

Danny: He meant weasels.

Danny grabs a football.

Danny: Peter, go long.

Peter stumbles out of the room making a drunken effort to run down the hall but gets winded after about ten feet. Danny throws the ball (filled with plastic explosives) which glances off Peter’s fingers, breaks a vase at the bottom of the stairs, and explodes killing the families dog Oscar.

Mom: Boys, what’s all that noise?

Danny: Nothing, I think Oscar has the Alpo farts again. (Cue titles)

That’s all I’ve got so far but we’ll work our way toward a presentable pilot from there. I’m thinking of shopping it with FOX, it seems to be similar to a lot of the stuff they’re airing these days. I hope Peter likes it.


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