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Sunday, August 27, 2006

The world's hottest chilli is from Dorset???

A Dorset couple have bred the world's hottest chilli. This is incredibly earth-shaking news, as the spiciest thing to come from Dorset before this was the occasional bit of grit in an Abbotsbury Oyster.

Nonetheless, according to the Times, Dorset residents Joy and Michael Michaud have bred a chilli so hot, it would not only knock off your socks, but your knickers, waistcoat, and several teeth too. The chilli is called the Dorset Naga, which is a Bangla (Bengali) phrase that loosely translates as "If you eat this pepper from Dorset whole, you will wind up like one of those psychics in Scanners."

Pepper hotness is measured on the Scoville scale, invented by Wilbur Scoville after he was incapacitated by a Madras curry in 1912. The jalapeno pepper measures around 8,000 units on the scale. The fiery and powerful habanero pepper measures between 100,000 and 250,000 units on average, although the hottest ever was at 500,000. The Dorset Naga registers at a whopping 923,000 units on the Scoville scale. However, this is only an estimate as the pepper repeatedly set the measuring equipment ablaze during tests.

To characterise this in layman's terms, there is a quaint regional saying about the habanero pepper, that "It is a little bit of hell in a pepper." The quaint regional saying that has developed about the Dorset Naga is along the lines of "It's like having a fiery pitchfork shoved up your bum."

According to experts this pepper should only be handled whilst wearing gloves ...and asbestos fire-proofed bodysuits. Also, never, ever mix the Dorset Naga with the following ingredients: TNT, nitroglycerine, uranium, plutonium, petrol, and quail (as in this last example, the pepper squelches the delicate flavour of the bird by setting it on fire).

As a practicing chillihead, and as a service to our readers, I've come up with a few recipes for the Dorset Naga that some people might like to serve to others that they want to do serious bodily injury to. Our in-house lawyer F. Johnnie Lee has expressly warned me to remind readers that under no circumstances should these recipes be served to actual human beings, except in those countries and states that still allow the death penalty, and even then, only by trained executioners and/or chefs.

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Naga Surprise

Take 1/4 pound cooked and seasoned ground beef (mince) and place in one prepared meat pie crust. Add one Dorset Naga pepper, whole, in a random part of the pie. Cover the pie with crust and bake for 25 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit or 177 degrees Celsius. Remove, let cool and serve. The "surprise" is that whoever gets the pepper in their bite of pie gets to ride in an ambulance. Also known as Russian Roulette Naga Surprise when the guests alternate turns taking bites of the pie.

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Naga Soup

Take one Dorset Naga, minced and add to 4 cups chicken or beef bouillon. Heat until warm. Add a pinch of salt and pepper. Pour into a decorative serving bowl and set on a table 50 metres from the dinner party. Inhale the intoxicating aroma whilst wearing gas masks. Do not, under any circumstances, actually eat the soup ...unless you have some sort of death wish.

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Naga Pudding

Take one plum pudding and rub a Dorset Naga over it for 5 seconds. Serve to mortal enemies. Dance over their charred bodies.

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