It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Golden Star Trek Moments

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe: attack ships on fire of the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhouser Gate. All those moments will be lost when I am gone, like tears in rain."

The beautifullest lines of dialogue in the history of time? Perhaps. But more importantly, those lines of dialogue have been added to the new Star Trek movie during Mr. Spock's powerful pseudo-death in the random radiation tube of the Enterprise. Yes, the remake of the original Star Trek has decided to veer into remarkable new territory. As usual, Nuffy Noe is the first one to tell you what is really going on with this project, and I can vouch for every luscious detail. You see, I was there. Yes, on-set, creeping among the shadows, seeing, discovering, learning what there is to be learned, smelling the mildly ethnic odors eminating from the commissary. And what did I learn about the new direction that the Star Trek remake is taking? I share with you three patented "Five Times Better"-style factoids.

1) The official name of the movie at the moment is Star Trek: Voyage Unto The Golden Apricot Moments of Time.

2) The role of Mr. Gerrold Spock (yes, that's his new official full name) is played by none other than Alouicious Willard (stage name: Biz Markie).

3) The role of Captain James Tiberius Kirk is played by the one, the only Derrick Fascinus (stage name: Flava Flav), wearing a clown wig and Coke bottle-style glasses. His new backstory is that he escaped from a life of gun crime by stowing away on a Romulan cargo vessel with no pants, where he was discovered by Mrs. Wharf the Horse-Lady.

So you can see how improvement upon improvement is being stacked one upon the other like a house of platinum-coated oat sacks by the new director of this destined-to-be-best Star Trek movie in the history of nerd canons. I learned many more things, secret things, hideful things, during my twelve days of sneaking around the set. I will share those with you directly, but first I must download all the pictures from the Memory Stick of my digital camera: secret pictures, creepful pictures of Biz Markie gnawing on his own pointed ear and sweating, of Flava Flav in full-on prance mode, yes, all these and more.

Until then, please keep a Biz Markie picture at the forefront of your visual memory, and imagine him speaking the lines at the beginning of this article, and also, as always, recall to mind this.

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