Is Castro Alive?

Probably not. After all, the man's 79 years old, he's hated by millions, and the CIA has slipped him more toxic substances than Keith Richards, John Belushi, and Rasputin ingested combined. That and he had "internal surgery," which is secret code in dictatorspeak for "someone put a bloody bullet in his bean" or possibly "I'm out of Fruit Loops." I can never remember which.

Anyway, the rumours are flying about the Cuban Generalissmo baseball-fanatic. Here are some of the one's I've personally started:

Top 20 Causes of Castro's Death

20. Committed suicide when Madonna rejected his romantic overtures
19. Ran into outfield wall while chasing down a flyball
18. Accidentally wandered into Guantanamo Bay. Not the military base...the actual bay
17. Died of disappointment after cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise
16. Assassinated by mutated gophers
15. Drank himself to death in drinking contest with Peter O'Toole
14. Brown recluse spiders took up residence in his beard.
13. Someone popped a cap in the murderous old geezer. Blimey, what did you expect?
12. Accidentally swallowed cigar (This is not meant to be a euphemism.)
11. Heartbreak of psoriasis
10. Developed sudden violent allergy to military fatigues
9. Sudden apoplectic fit when Elian Gonzales referred to him as "Aunt Fidel"
8. Squashed to death by Michael Moore bear hug
7. Pat Robertson snuck up behind him with a Louisville Slugger.
6. Failed attempt to reenact filibuster scene from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
5. Failed attempt to reenact filibuster scene from Billy Jack Goes to Washington
4. Overdosed on mojo
3. Swallowed his own tongue while trying to read book of Bush mispronounciations
2. Raul let off a "silent but deadly," and what do you know? It was.
1. Headbutt by Zidane proved fatal