It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

What I Did on My Summer Holiday - Part IV

All right, I've about worked through the psychological torment of my summer holiday. So, here's the wrapup, and I'll aim for brevity, which is French for brassiere.

What I Did on My Summer Holiday - Part IV: Team Fando Hits the Road

Day Seven - The Highway is Long and Straight and Boring Us out of Our Sand Infested Minds:

Day Seven finds us traveling back to our home in an undisclosed location somewhere in the United States. (Sorry, the CIA won't allow me to say more.) After a dramatic departure, in which mum teared up as though we were being sacrificed to an active volcano, we began traveling down beach roads, through busy, gaudy little seaside towns populated with huge hotels, colourful condos, bright bungalows, dandy duplexs, sordid souvenir shops (The towels with nude women painted on them was a real eye-opener to the Littlest Fando... we told her they were for medical purposes only)... Where was I? Ah, yes, grand, green golf courses, restless restaurants, and Artery Klogging Krispy Kreme donut shops. Also, a surprising number of karate schools and "adult superstores" (Which I'm almost certain are nothing like Wal-Marts, in that Wal-Marts rarely advertise using the word "exotic.")

We traveled through five states on our journey home, and although I had no boiled peanuts to speak of, having found a dead mosquito in my batch from the day before (thank heavens it wasn't a Mansquito) I did have a large quantity of sweet tea, which caused my otherwise uncaffienated heart rate to triple in the span of 30 minutes. What a rush! I had no idea the mini-van could do 150 miles per hour! Pity about all thouse stoplights.

The day's journey took 15 hours, which is 5 hours longer than commercial lorry drivers are allowed to spend on the road. So, for any of you lorry drivers who spotted a mini-van swerving past you, and the driver pointing, laughing, and then yawning... my apologies. Except for the stupid git at about 9:15 p.m. who was trying to pass another fully loaded 18-wheeler uphill. That V-sign was for you. My contempt knows no bounds, but I do forgive you, which his required by the tenets of my faith and good sense. Just grow a brain, lad. That's all I ask.

Also, to the woman who would not let the Littlest Fando pick the numbers on my Lotto ticket, or indeed sell us one because of that... we're never buying anything at your store again. So there! Given that we drive through there about once every two years on average, that should drive your business down by at least .0000000578%! Enjoy your penury!!

There was an interesting stretch of road where we were being more or less raced by a woman who appeared to be in her late 60's. She passed us at one point on what was two and four lane U.S. highway (meaning stoplights and speed traps through little towns) and then we passed her back and stayed ahead of her for quite some time. Both of us were...erm...pushing the speed limit, but I tried to lose her on two lane roads by passing slow cars and then opening up some distance. She did pretty well for someone who was knitting and driving at the same time.

Later another car joined the "game" and added some entertainment by getting between us and granny leadfoot. Finally, all three of us got stuck behind two vehicles who were both slow-moving and reluctant to pass one another. I normally almost never pass two cars at the same time, unless they are very slow and refusing to pass one another, but I almost did this time.

Then, suddenly, the second car, a black pickup, whipped around the first one and began to move off about 15 to 20 MPH over the speed limit, as if bored by everything, including life. We and our two hangers-on stayed well back and sure enough, not 5 minutes later, a police car came up over a hill in the opposite direction, and hit its lights as soon as it saw the pickup. It passed us and then turned around and all three of us slowed gracefully and moved to the side of the road to allow it to pass by to nab the other vehicle.

I did my best not to wave or blow kisses as we passed by. It could very well have been us, or the car behind us, or the little old lady who was now apparently baking something in the passenger seat of her car. I could have sworn I saw all three of us wiping sweat off of our brows at the exact same time.

Most of all, we got home safe and sound, thank the Lord. That's all I really ask and I'm thankful for it.

I bet that Lotto ticket would have been the one though... just saying.

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