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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Something about this movie bugs me.

When I read about Mansquito I felt nauseous for about five minutes. Then for the next five minutes I laughed so hard I nearly broke a rib. Then nausea mixed with heavy guffawing followed by a sort of serenity brought on by the endorphins released due to the rib fractures. When I finally regained my composure I had only one thought, this just might work with the right casting. You may be wondering if I’ve lost my mind, like the producers of Mansquito, but if you put the right pegs in the right holes anything is possible. Therefore, here are a series of scenes with the actors I would have chosen.

Scene: A laboratory in the headquarters of Todd Bridges Enterprises where Dr. Glavin, played by Jerry Lewis (circa. 1963), is producing a vaccine for malaria. Evil corporate director Rex Dragonsblood, portrayed by William Shatner, enters the room.

Rex: Glavin, where is that new vaccine you promised.

Dr. Glavin: Hey, careful with the yelling mean corporate man. I could have spilt this beaker of the growth hormone and the mosquitos don’t ya know.

Rex: Don’t get all scientific with me, I…want…results!!!

Dr. Glavin does not see the banana peel thrown on the floor by his chimpanzee assistant Mr. Twinkles.

Dr. Glavin: Hey Mr. Twinkles, hold this beaker and...oh goodness (Glavin slips on the banana peel and after juggling the growth hormone and mosquito cage for a minute is able to catch them both just before they are combined. Mr. Twinkles jumps down and grabs the beaker and the mosquitos and consumes both as Rex and Glavin look on.)

Rex: What… do you… think… will… happen?

Mr. Twinkles stomach starts to expand and, a la Alien, a mosquito head pops out. The mosquito jumps to the floor and grows to the size of a man in a few seconds.

Dr. Glavin: Mansquito, oh no. Mansquitoooooo!!!! (Glavin runs around in a circle and crashes into a pillar knocking himself unconscious.)

Rex: No, don’t… suck my blood… I can make you a star!!!!!!!

End scene.

Scene: The top of Mount Rushmore, our hero Buck Sterile [Arnold Schwarzenegger] is running across the heads of the presidents with Lula Trollop, played by Pam Anderson.

Buck: Hurry, I don't want to pester you, but we are escaping a Mansquito.

Lula: I just broke another nail you gorilla, stop dragging me by my hair.

Buck: Sorry, it comes from all the steroids I used to take when they were legal. (Looks at the screen) Kids, don’t take the steroids, they are bad for your body and will cause all kinds of emotional and physical difficulties for you later in your life.

Lula: Who are you talking to?

Buck: Never mind, that was the cocaine talking. I think we have lost the Mansquito, but he can smell our blood. Why did it have to be a Mansquito? I hate Mansquitos?

We cut to them sitting in a makeshift camp where a fire glows and citronella candles are placed evenly around the perimeter. Buck is sitting next to the fire polishing an abnormally large can of Off! and loading a bandoleer with smaller citronella candles.

Buck: Don’t worry Lula, you just stay in the lean-to and take your sponge bath. I am only watching for the Mansquito and not sneaking peaks at you.

Lula: Ooo, this water is so cold.

Buck: Isn’t it though.

A scratching is heard in the bushes and Lula runs out of the lean-to only clothed in a small towel.

Lula: Buck, what is it?

Buck: I don’t know. Stay here and don’t get dressed.

Buck moves out toward the trees when we see the Mansquito, played by Danny Devito, jump out into the open.

Mansquito: Hey hubba hubba, who’s the doll in the towel?

Buck: (raising the can of Off!) Stop bugging us.

End scene


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