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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

You really can't go back James Tiberius Kirk.

William Shatner's latest television series has him pretending to be an obnoxious film and television star producing and starring in a low-budget film in Riverside, Iowa (Captain James T. Kirk's birthplace in Star Trek.)

OK, maybe "pretending" is a stretch. We love Shat and all, but he's reputedly not the easiest person in the world to get along with.

Still, William Shatner in Iowa? I made a few calls to some residents of Riverside (cleverly pretending to be casting for the next Star Trek movie: Star Trek, the Wrath of Bill) and got the following insights into Kaiser Bill:

Dave Rut, local truck driver: Yeah, I met Mr. Shatner, and I have to say that he was as down-to-earth and normal as any person I've ever known. He even lets his pet Afghan clean his plate when he's finished with his daily snack of beluga caviar and foie gras; although no one... and I mean no one, touches his Chablis unless'n they want to lose a finger.

Amy Lithe, local yoga instructor: He was a very deep and thoughtful man. He knows a great deal about a lot of things, especially yoga. Why he was well versed with the sutras and had an in-depth knowledge of the tantric... (this quote has been discontinued after consultation with F. Johnny Lee and the rest of the DOUI legal team).

Bobby Joe Griddle, local Waffle Hut employee: Whooee! There's a man who knows his eggs right. He must've sent them back 20 times because the yolks weren't the right consistency. Fortunately, egg cleans right off my uniform or I'd be smellin' something awful.

Reggie Tremolo, local musician: I'd heard a lot about The Transformed Man, but I have to say the guy could rock for an old dude. He even did the Pete Townsend thing at the end and smashed up a guitar... I just wish it hadn't been my guitar, dude.

Willomena Willomena, local local: He had the most fantastic hair. It looked as though it would feel like a wool sweater...only made out of polyester.

Well, Bill is himself, that's for sure. Still, he can hold his head up high and say, that for all of his mistakes, at least he didn't write and sing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins".

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