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Thursday, August 10, 2006

We interrupt this comedy blog for a Peter Graves flesh-eating zombie report

Peter Graves not a flesh-eating zombie? What has Stew been smoking? More importantly, where can I get some of it?

However, I must protest Stew's insinuation that I'm some sort of undead Chicken Little who runs around disparaging celebrities at the mere sight of them eating what at first appeared to be oversized baby back ribs.

Let's go with the evidence. First of all, Peter Graves skin tone is exactly the same pallour as Carol Channing's and everyone knows that Carol Channing is a complete zombie, albeit a vegetarian zombie with an oddly cheerful expression.

Second, the clipped, stilted, droning, monotone manner in which Graves speaks is clearly zombie dialect. In Max Speebek's paradigm-shattering tome Run for Your $#%&ing Lives, the Zombies Are upon Us!, he explains how zombie dialect works:

"Zombies can speak almost any language, but most often speak varieties of English, German, and Japanese, although I once dated a zombie who spoke Swedish, was a flight attendant, and was as loose as a thumbless man's shoelaces...but those are a tenpence a dozen. I also thought I encountered a zombie in a film who spoke Esperanto, but it turned out to just be William Shatner in Incubus. Zombies also tend to speak in a clipped, stilted, droning, monotone manner befitting the presenter of a rather staid and ordinary television programme, such as A&E's Biography."

Third, I could have sworn I saw Peter Graves gnawing on a finger during a Biography episode about the life of Slim Whitman, but I must admit he was being very discreet with whatever it was. Come to think of it, it may have been Whitman's finger. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

Finally, there's this, a picture of a peckish-looking Graves with the title "Where Have All the People Gone" hovering above his head. I'll tell you where they've gone (If my theory is correct)... He's eaten them.


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