Planetary Politics Piss off Pluto. (Not the dog)

It has certainly been a slow news cycle lately. Oh, I know we’ve had our foiled terror plots, mayhem in the Middle East, and heat which would burn the whiskers off a marmot, however, we can’t make fun of any of that now can we. Just when we thought all was lost, comes a fascinating story concerning planetary politics and their possible effect on one of our favorite planets, Pluto. It seems some astronomers are up in arms about the size of Pluto and are pushing for it to be downgraded from planet status.

Clearly this brings up many relevant questions concerning planetary science not the least of which is; don’t they have anything better to do? Shouldn’t they be scouring over space charts and peering into their telescopes making sure that a stray asteroid is not bearing down on the Earth, ready to turn us all into unrecognizable char? Personally I would like to see them more involved in that kind of activity and not just changing planetary body’s statuses willy-nilly, thank you very much. I actually enjoy Pluto as a planet, it was good enough for my father and it’s good enough for me.

Since I have little expertise as an astronomer, although I’m pretty good at phrenology (sorry, bad astronomy joke there), I decided to meet with Pluto and get the inside scoop. I grabbed my trusty notepad, journalist’s fedora, and digested a large amount of hallucinatory substances in preparation for what I thought would be a rather intriguing interview.

Tripping the light fantastic on a mixture of Pop Rocks and mescaline (don’t try this at home kids) I quickly caught up to Pluto, who was in actuality an old mop and string of Christmas lights.

Stew: Pluto, please tell us how things are going since the news that you might be downgraded from a planet?

Pluto: Dude, I have to say it sucks. One day you’re a planet, with all the perks that come with being a planet and the next you’re yesterday’s news. Jupiter won’t even return my calls now.

Stew: What perks come with being a planet?

Pluto: You’re on all the charts, people care about you; you get credit for gravitational pulls and all that sort of “astronomical” stuff. Mostly I liked the free theater tickets and unlimited soup and salad at Ruby Tuesdays. That was pretty sweet.

Stew: There is word now that a little known planetoid, 2003 UB313 may take your place in the official planetary system.

Pluto: Yeah, well screw 2003 UB313. you know what I’m sayin’. I’m calling you out 2003 UB313, you and me at the Kuiper Belt, bare knuckles. My boy Stew here can be the referee.

Stew: Whoa, whoa Pluto, easy man let’s not get into something over this.

Pluto: Sorry, I got carried away. But if he thinks he can just waltz in and take my celestial space, he’s got another thing coming.

Stew: What do you plan on doing if you are removed from the planet line-up?

Pluto: I’m going to write a tell-all book about the other planets. You should see that things that Neptune and Saturn are doin’ with those rings they’re so proud of and you don’t even WANT to know what Uranus is up to.

Stew: What is my anus up to?

Pluto: Man, SOBER UP!!!! I mean the planet you idiot.

Stew: Sorry, it must be the mescaline. Anyway, what will you do with the money you make writing the book?

Pluto: Buy a new crib, get a sweet ride, and settle down, I got to tell you it’s pretty damn boring out here and the edge of the solar system. Maybe I’ll learn origami, I always wanted to do that.

Stew: Well Pluto zopiute auli aliu lsiurel s o89ufsl.

Pluto: Go get some coffee, please.

Stew: Yaseo.

Sometime after that I woke up half dressed and laying on the salad bar at Ruby Tuesdays. Whatever you do, don’t try the sprouts.