It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Elvis is dead? Really?...

I could have sworn I saw him the other day at the local convenience store. He was buying pork rinds and fizzy soda, and reading a copy of the Weekly World News.

Still, this is the 29th anniversary of Elvis's "passing." People mourn "The King" and dream of what could have been. Given my discovery that he lives in the area, I tracked him down and asked him what he thought of all of this. Here are some excerpts:

**********

Earl: Elvis. I really appreciate you sitting down with me to do this interview on the anniversary of your (making quote signs with hands) "death."

Elvis: No, no...Ummm... My name is umm...Randy... Randy Jones.

Earl: Sure it is... (winking) Randy. I know you're a private man and that this interview might jeopardize your whole "dead and gone" gig, but seriously, a lot of people have questions.

Elvis: I'm telling you man, (looking around suspiciously) ...the name is Randy.

Earl: So, why the rhinestone-spangled white jumpsuit? Why the horrendously out-of-style ducktail haircut? Why the 57 cadillacs in the front yard, the 34 Harleys in the back, and the George Foreman grill splattered with peanut-butter and banana?

Elvis: I'm a... umm... Elvis impersonator. Yeah, man... that's what it's about. I impersonate that there Elvis fella.

Earl: So that why you have the 75 guitars in your sitting room.

Elvis: An Elvis impersonator can never have too many guitars...especially ones personally signed by Les Paul and Leo Fender.

Earl: What about the tattoo that says "Priscilla Forever," the one that's crossed out and has "Lisa Thompson Forever" written under it, which is also crossed out and has "What I meant was Ginger Forever" written underneath it?

Elvis: Umm... Priscilla, Lisa, and Ginger were my... my... cats.

Earl: ...And the wall full of pictures with Lisa Marie... You and Lisa Marie at her fifth birthday party, you teaching her to ride a bike, you riding her around on the steel blue Harley on your back porch, you at the birth, showing Lisa Marie your "Priscilla Forever" tattoo, you, Lisa Marie, and Ginger Alden on the front porch of this house, underneath the large sign that says "Elvis Doesn't Live Here!"?

Elvis: Umm...

Earl: Photoshop maybe?

Elvis: (Looks around suspiciously) How many people did you say would read this thing?

Earl: 3 or 4, not including the Blog authors and the members of their families patient enough to put up with this sort of nonsense.

Elvis: OK, man. You got me. I am Elvis Presley.

Earl: I don't see why I had to drag it out of you like that.

**********

Earl: So, what's it like being Elvis in the 21st Century.

Elvis: Well, I've had plenty o' time to get used to it. I took some courses at the local community college to learn how to use the Internet. Man, you should see some of the wacked stuff that people put online.

Earl: Well, I am a semi-professional blogger and I can tell you that just about everyone blogs these days. Do you?

Elvis: Well, actually I was talkin' about porn and online video games, but now that you mention it, I did have a blog for a short while.

Earl: Really? What was it called?

Elvis: Let's Ponta.

Earl: You're kidding. The Let's Ponta? I've read that blog a dozen times, each one like steel claws on a chalkboard spine.

Elvis: Thankyou...Thankyouverymuch.

Earl: Riiiight. Let's move on. What for you has been the biggest change since you left public life?

Elvis: Well, I really miss Happy Days. That Chachi kid had something.

Earl: An annoying prepossessed narcisism? A severely underdeveloped acting technique? Boils?

Elvis: Naw. A cute girlfriend. That Joanie was a little fireball.

Earl: She was cute, but I'll just write down "Boils."

**********

Earl: Elvis, have you done any musical work since you "retired" from public life?

Elvis: Well Earl, music's in my blood. So, although I try to resist the temptation to do somethin' that would blow my cover, sometimes I can't help myself.

Earl: Would you consent to singing something you've written for our Blog audience?

Elvis: All 4 of 'em? All right, I suppose so. (Sings) When there's trouble you know who to call... Teen Titans! They can...

Earl: Wait a tick, that's the theme song to Teen Titans. PuffyAmiYumi wrote that.

Elvis: (Laughing to himself) Yeah, that's what they tell everyone.

Earl: Well, I have to admit it's a change for you, but it's not bad. Anything else?

Elvis: The theme music to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and also HonkyTonk Badonkadonk.

Earl: Well, nobody's perfect.

**********

Earl: Finally Elvis, doesn't it bother you that the world believes you died of a drug overdose on the toliet.

Elvis: I know some people think it's kinda sordid and all, but it appealled to my sense of drama. I course, I primarily watch soap operas. Also, I spend a lot of time on the pot. You do the kind of hip dancin' I did... It shakes up your colon real good.

Earl: Well then, it is dramatically consistent.

Elvis: Still it wasn't my idea. I really wanted people to think I'd died jumpin' over the Grand Canyon on my "Blue Hawaii" Harley.

Earl: Who came up with it then?

Elvis: Some cat named Andy Kaufman. Ever heard of him?

Earl: Yes...Yes, I think so.

Elvis: His original idea was that I was killed by wrasslers, but no man drops "The King," if you know what I mean.

Earl: Indeed.

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