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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Turducken: The Way of the Future

Paul Prudhomme, a pale and handsome potato of a man, gave many good and sacred things to the peoples of the world: curried gumbo, salted salmon pie, Brown Stuff (tm), finted charlsons, and The Off-Color Pile (c). But most importantly and most epicly, he invented the Turducken. Yes, the Turducken was handed gently to the nations of the world by none other than Paul "potato pants" Prudhomme.

Perhaps you are one of the few who still wonders what a Turducken is. No doubt you have seen one before, that unique sick pile of gore and steaming deliciousness, but maybe you assumed it was just a bundled up mass of smoked horse entrails stirred into a bowl of cornbread and hog fat for three hours before being deep fried in a barrel of elk bile. Your assumption was not far from the truth. More technically, though, a Turducken is a chicken crammed into the body cavity of a duck which is crammed into the body cavity of a turkey, with each layer separated by a generous schmear of buttery dressing.

Is the saliva pouring from your dangling lower lip yet? Feel free to pause and dab it off with a soft napkin before continuing with this post. Done? Good. Let's continue. The Turducken has, as most people are well aware, reshaped world culture and thought. How many things, people have begun to wonder, would be improved if we just crammed something smaller inside them and then something smaller inside that, separating the three things with generous schmears of dressing? I mean, honestly, how many things? Reconsider all of your favorite things, please.

1) The Hamburger -- My stars, let's Turducken that hamburger sonofagun! Take a standard McDonald's hamburger, batter dip it, stuff it into a crevice in the middle of a filet mignon, batter dip that whole mess, deep fry it, and stuff it into the center of a large block of creamy velveeta cheese. Eat with chopsticks and Bowie knife.

2) The McCain -- Take a little bit of conservative ideology, pack it tightly, and insert it violently into a gigantic gelatinous cube of liberalism, then pull a big plastic sheet of libertarianism over the whole thing and drop it into the warmest parts of the Indian Ocean.

3) Dessert -- Turduckened dessert! Just what the cardiologist recommended! Take a luscious grease-touched Hostess fruit pie, dip it in melted butter, then roll it around in powdered sugar, submerge it in a giant bowl of chocolate pudding, pour the pudding into the hollowed out center of a standard-size birthday cake. Then cover the birthday cake completely, top and bottom, with forty three sheets of Filo dough, and deep fry it.

Turduckening is the wave of the present. All around you, at this very minute, people are taking regular things and improving them by a factor of Five through the Turduckening process. Think of all the things that can be Turduckened! Sandwiches, clothing, novels, furniture, languages, odors, hairstyles, friends, and even emotions. Join the Turduckening movement. Do not let humanity leave you in the dust, gnashing the grit between your teeth and cursing the sky.

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