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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Science Becomes Five Times Worse

Science has failed humanity. There, I said it. And I might even say it again. Science has failed humanity. As it turns out, I did say it again. If I say it a third time, don't be surprised. Science has failed humanity. Were you surprised that I said it a third time? I should hope not.

Have you ever just sat down in a cushiony chair and watched people failing you before your very eyes? Have you ever opened the local dark-gray crinkly newspaper and read paragraph upon paragraph of unavoidable failure on the part of scientists? I have. How can any group of people try and succeed so overwhelmingly to fail all of humanity and all of human history?

Here is how! Here is exactly how they fail us in remarkable new ways. By lying about Pluto. Yes, lying about Pluto. They say it is not a planet. That is what they say. Here are some recent quotes from failures of the scientific community.

"Pluto is most decidedly some sort of largish rock, rather than an earth." --Phu Lee, Astronomer, Baverdian Science Department, Sherpa, Nepal

"After seven hours of contemplation and laboratory tests, we have rendered Pluto non-planetoid, but rather now consider it to be a strange doughnut." --Montlehorse Rogers, University of Calcutta, India

"After removing a pencil from my moist nostril, I concurred with my fellow best persons of the science magazine culture in determining that Pluto is, in fact, a smudge of grease on every telescope that has ever existed, and, therefore, not a planet." --Pooter Fint, Southern Chester-Arkansas Community College, Chester, Arkansas

With voices such as these practicing the fine art of miserable failure, how can the children of the world survive? Look, let me lay this out there for you like Ron Popeil laying out the Chop-O-Matics: Scientists are liars and ugly and smell bad. You can send me all the hate mail you want, people, but it won't change the high levels of failure taking place in the world today.

Being Five Times Better, and a representative of the Five Times Better School of Self-Improvement, let me clarify non-failure for you in one simple statement: Pluto is a planet. It is a nice snowy planet full of Santa Claus-style elves and general prancery. Yes, it has all these things and more. Pluto is a winter wonderland of a planet, where yellow Disney dogs caper in the drifts.

So don't let yourself be failed at by these so-called "scientists." When they tell you Pluto is not a planet, just mutter to yourself, "Congratulations on achieving a higher level of failure than before, nerd stink McGee," and go on about your business.

Pluto, I tell's ya's, is a planet.


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