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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Doggone Drivers

If memory serves (cue Iron Chef music), on several occasions I have mentioned in this blog my complete loathing for the absolutely appalling and erratic driving behaviour of the motorists of the region I live in. Just for the record, I did omit the expletives, if I remember correctly. Now, however, I believe I know exactly why so many vehicles are careening, seemingly out of control, down my local motorway towards me.

They are being driven by dogs.

A woman in Hohhot, China ("Hohhot" is Mandarin for "Extremely hot," by the way) was recently involved in a vehicular crash after she briefly allowed her dog to steer her vehicle. Apparently, the dog, giddy with his newfound autonomy, plowed the auto right into oncoming traffic.

Now, this should really be of no surprise at all. Dogs are the members of the animal kingdom most likely to chase cars, and thus most likely to be run over by them. Even large animals like cows, lions, and blue whales are smart enough to lazily lounge in the pasture/savannah/Mariannas Trench whilst traffic meanders by.

Not the dog. Dogs are so strangely obsessed with the taste of tyre rubber that they dementedly dash after anything that has rubber wheels and might leave a skid mark on their poor, flattened bodies. They are mad for cars, trucks, and bicycles the way Paris Hilton is mad for cheap and unflattering publicity. They fancy tyres the way Rainer Werner Fassbinder fancied Udo Keir, as unpleasant as that is for the rest of us, including our gay readers.

So, imagine the absolute glee of this Chinese pooch when his owner props him up behind the steering wheel and floors it. Obviously, the very first thing any sensibly tyre-obssessed dog is going to do is immediately aim for the nearest vehicle that they aren't themselves driving. Then, provided they've survived the collision, get out and gnaw on the bleeding tyres until they are either:

A) Out of their minds with rubber poisoning

OR

B) Bored.

As B generally takes only about 15 seconds, A is quite rare.

The sad part is that if dogs weren't so dim, they'd simply slam on the brakes, hop out, and chew on their own auto's wheels. I suppose there's no satisfaction of the hunt for them. Plus, no one ever said that dogs are practical.

I should also mention that dogs are horribly inequipped for driving. They don't have opposable thumbs and that, combined with the slobber, makes for very difficult steering.

No, the utter stupidity on display here is that of an owner who who let a dog anywhere near the steering wheel, accelerator, cigarette lighter, or power locks. Such wanton disregard for their safety, the safety of their dog, the safety of those of us also on the road, and their AAA rating is as stupid as, say...a bunch of astronomers demoting Pluto as a planet on specious categorical grounds, simply to piss off NASA, whose next mission happens to be scheduled to go to Pluto. In other words, this kind of irresponsible behaviour makes Robert Downey Jr., MacCauly Caulkin, and Kate Moss look like Rotarians in comparison.

As the accident happened in China, it turns out the driver was immediately placed before a firing squad and shot. The dog was hung.

All right, that was morbidly wishful thinking on my part. No one was hurt and the driver, a Ms. Li, paid all expenses, including whatever tyre damage was done by the greedy little fangs of her beloved canine, once the vehicle came to a rest. All is well in the land of extreme hotness.

Now, back to the question of what this has to do with the drivers in my locale? Well, judging from the way they are veering all over the road, they are all clearly dogs of some sort.

They obviously want my tyres.

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