It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

I didn't see that one coming...

I have a confession to make. I've done some really strange, possibly illegal, and downright odd things in my life that I am certainly not proud of having done. However, one thing you will not ever find me doing is participating in something called "Pants-off Dance-off". Upon reading the article I had the urge to grab a cylinder of Comet and scour every inch of my body, including my eyes, until the horrible thoughts of Masta Wong were removed from my mind. Let me tell you right now I have no desire to watch Mr. Wong gyrating to rock music and even less desire to find out what he keeps in the dark recesses of his trousers. This is unpleasant like watching Richard Simmons playing a game of Twister with Sir Ian McKellen would be unpleasant.

Tad Low, the crack-pot entrepeneur who came up with this crap, says in the article, "Why hasn't anybody put naked people and rock music together on television before?" said Low, who created the "Pop-Up Videos" series for VH1. "It seems so obvious, like peanut butter and jelly." No it isn't Mr. Low, which I say is the perfect name for this cad. This is more like smearing mayonnaise on saurkraut, stuffing it inside of a weasel, and deep frying the whole lot and serving it with pizza flavored Combos then choking it down with copious flagons of Mad Dog 20/20. The whole experience is unwholesome and will leave you begging for a stomach pump.

But still, you've got to admit that this moron might be on to some kind of craze. Since we're all about the money around here I started thinking about some similarly stupid combinations of unsavory activities.

  • Wax-on Pants-Off - Clean your car with the newest thing in automotive washing and waxing. Don't forget your chamois or you might get chafed.
  • Pants-Off Breakdance - Breakdancing was never as fun as when you did it the first time with your pants off. Headspins aren't so bad but The Worm could be painful.
  • Pants-Off Fly-fish - Watch where you're casting that dry fly. It might be a better idea to keep the fly zipped until casting.
  • Bon-Ton Pants-Off - Who said shopping had to be boring, just use a dressing room and forget to put your pants back on. Can also be done at Kohl's, TJ Maxx, and Big Lots.
  • Pants-Off Lawn Darts - Can really keep you one your toes.
  • Game-on Pants-Off - Wayne and Garth never new the freedom of street hockey without their pants. Party on Wayne, party on Garth. We're NOT worthy!
  • Greco-Roman Pants-Off - "Joey, do you like movies with Gladiators?"
  • Pole Vault Pants-Off - Who said size doesn't matter.
  • Pants-Off Bungee Jump - This one is too painful to think about.

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