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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I can't take it any more!!!!!!!

We've got to face facts folks, alliteration is not all that it's cracked up to be... I mean movies are not all they're cracked up to be. Especially in the last year, we've been subjected to some of the most boring and banal crap that the great Hollywood orifice can excrete upon us. Am I being too flowery in my speech tonight? I hope not, but it's hard to find the words to describe a X-Men: The Last Stand or Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties without touching on the scatalogical, and that wasn't a colon joke (unless you think that's funny).

If this wasn't enough, the great crapfest auteur himself Brett "Ratso Rizzo" Ratner is about to ram another Rush Hour movie down our gullets. Rush Hour 3: Curley Tucker's Gold Toof' is going to be the story of how Chris Tucker has hit the skids and is desperate to hook up with Jackie Chan in order to make some much needed cash. After a 6 year hiatus from acting Chris will take another 4 month hiatus from acting to star in Rush Hour 3. I'm not going to elaborate any more on the movie because it would just sicken everyone and we don't want that.

What happened to the days when we could dress a hobo up in a dinosaur suit, have him trash a cardboard set of Tokyo, and pay him with tube socks and cheap booze. Those days were good enough for our parents and they should be good enough for us. Now those were movies. They had it all; rubbery alien monsters, kids in uncomfortably small shorts, and a world where atomic material was freely available to any tinhorn Japanese scientist who wanted it.

That is why I pledge to you tonight that I will work to on a new series of Japanese sci-fi masterpieces that will bring this lost art to our children and our children's children. However, I've got to do away with the shorts, they're just too unsettling.

Look out Toho, I'm going to come up with the next big Godzilla-sized thing.


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