Habeo Tui Apologia Utilis Hic!!

Just in case you were under the impression that Mr. Coconut's arrival had distracted us from the pressing matters of the day, here is the latest on the controversy surrounding Pope Benedict XVI.

Many Muslims around the world are still angry that the Pope quoted a Mediaeval emperor who characterized Islam as "evil and inhuman", particulary the mandate to spread the Islamic faith by violence. It should be noted however, that not only did the Pope disavow the words as any representation of his own thoughts, but also, the emperor in question was a bit miffed at having been sold for ransom to Islamic leaders, and then having his city, the former Constantinople, repeatedly and violently laid seige to by Islamic forces. So, we may have caught him on a bad day, historically speaking.

The Pope's sincere statement of regret over the confusion that he himself might harbor notions that Islam is "inhuman" satisfied some in the Islamic world. Nonetheless, several less reputable Islamic "leaders" have indicated that is not enough and that Benedict XVI must apologise further. Some of the key points in the demanded apology from this troubled faction of the Islamic world have been gleaned from various statements and are compiled below:

• The Pope must apologise profusely and completely, preferably while prostrate and fervently kissing a large picture of Saladin. He cannot kiss a picture of Mohammed, as we don't allow that sort of thing, pictures of the Prophet that is, and would have to slice his head off if he did.
• The Pope must further apologise for offending each and every single member of the Islamic community, and must do so in person, and offer each person restitution in the neighborhood of 3,000 pounds Sterling. We know that the Pontiff has this, and even if he does not have it on hand, he can borrow it from his Zionist, moneychanging allies, the Jews, who control the world's banks, even the First National in downtown Tehran.
• The Pope must apologise for his unusual assortment of hats, and promise to wear a turban now and again, as a show of solidarity with his Muslim brothers and sisters, although the Muslim sisters must never actually see the Pope in a turban, or come within 200 yards of him, lest the lusts of this world corrupt us all and turn our Muslim sisters on to elderly German Catholic dudes.
• The Pope must apologise for being Catholic, as this is completely incompatible with Islam. The Pope must promise to convert the entire Catholic world to Islam. This will avoid much unneeded violence and many beheadings in the future.
• The Pope must apologise for not attaching explosives to himself and blowing up as many Jews and Americans as possible. He must promise greater diligence in the war with the Great Satan. We understand from personal experience if he cannot fulfill this action himself. Sending out priests, nuns, monks, and highly impressionable choirboys will be eminently satisfactory, so long as great numbers of Jews and Americans are blown to tiny bits.
• The Pope must apologise for choosing chastity as a calling. Does he not seek the 72 virgins and long for their hot embrace? He must further apologise for all this nonsense about putting God before everything, including sex. Allah understands. That's why he provided the virgins in the first place, man. The Pope must acknowledge, in a catechism, that this whole 72 virgins thing is an excellent bargain.
• The Pope must promise to never, ever, ever say anything remotely negative about Islam ever again; things like: "Islam is not the true universal faith," or "Christ is the Saviour of all mankind," or "I really don't care for falafel and couscous, as they give me gastritis." Couscous rocks, man!
• The Pope must apologise for suggesting that the Holocaust ever happened, and admit that he is only a stooge of prominent Jews, such as Ariel Sharon, Benjamin Netanyahu, Steven Spielberg, Jackie Mason, and Adam Sandler (whose comedies we shamefully admit we enjoy).
• The Pope must promise to blow up St. Peter's Cathedral as a show of good faith. Only settling for blowing up the Sistine Chapel is not acceptable, although it would be a good start.
• The Pope must stop making people kiss his ring, as that is idolatry of the worst kind and plus, it is really unsanitary. Cutting the ring finger off or blowing it up with a stick of dynamite would be the most acceptable and hygenic options.
• The Pope must promise to give us the Popemobile. This truly awesome vehicle would hold many explosives and has a really bitching engine.

They do have a point about the ring kissing being unsantiary. I'll give them that.