Linus Coconut to join DOUI... Maybe.

I'm positively sure you don't know who I'm speaking of. (All right, writing of... who are you people anyway, Vulcans?) If you do, then jolly good show, for you are very highly placed indeed.

Anyway, I have it on good authority that the Linus Coconut might be joining us on the blog sometime in the next week and a half. At least he's on holiday for that long, and so I'm pestering him on a regular basis. Either he'll join us, or stop reading his e-mail and answering the phone. (He had to answer today, as it was Mrs. Coconut's birthday.) (I know... too many brackets/parenthesis!) (All right, I'll stop now.)

Who is Linus Coconut, you ask?

I can't provide details, such as age, birth name, region, planet, species, or anything like that. However, if you'll indulge me, I can give you a general idea. (Those of you Trekkers who remember the "Logic is..." bit that Spock did in "I Mudd" may find this a tiny bit familiar. Sorry, this was a totally necessary bracket/parenthetical.)

Linus Coconut is...

• A slice of pumpernickle in a Wonder Bread world.
• A breath of fresh air outside a paper mill. Not that fresh... a bit cheesy.
• A tiny caterpillar slowly eating away at the leaf of reality.
• Larger than a breadbox, but smaller than Torquay, Devon, England
• Malt liquour in a dry county... in Saudi Arabia.
• Not Donald Trump or Tom Cruise
• Awfully fond of pumpkin pie. (Not a joke, he loves the stuff, the way I love bacon.)
• A fruit bat flying about in the midst of a Who concert.
• Your final answer on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, the Regis version.
• Twelve beatniks on an escalator.
• Sherbet.
• Forever singing the REM song "Pop Song 89."
• A cayenne pepper plant in an Iowa cornfield. (This is not some sort of clue... Linus lives nowhere near Iowa.)
• A space alien, probably.
• Inside your head, right now, as I'm typing this. When you're reading it, he'll be somewhere else.
• Wondering what the hell I'm going on about.

Anyway, hope to see you soon Linus. Don't force me to ring you up again.