It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Enough with the "Five Times Betterness"...

I'd like to talk about my, ALL NEW 10 and 1/2 times betterness regimen, with whole wheat and greens (TM). Only through MY plan can one exceed the stifling constraints of mere five times betterness and find the thrilling holistically satisfying nirvana of 10 and 1/2 times betterness...and get the USDA daily recommend servings of wheaty goodness and healthful greenery!

It starts with a carefully organized plan for sleeping, waking, consuming massive quantities of spinach, and sleeping again. Note, that unlike some other plans, the spinach I recommend is organic, uncanned, and you aren't required to beat up dark-bearded bullying seamen or date unnaturally thin, whiny women with bulbous noses afterwards. You won't even have to lend grifting, obnoxious, barbequed ground beef-addicts money until Tuesday! You won't have to give a dime to Tom Cruise and his Scientologist handlers!! You won't even have to marry Katie Holmes (unless you just really want to)!!!!!!!

NO! "What's that?" you say! No, no and NO again! That's right! Ten and 1/2 times NO! No settling for only five times better, when we all know that any Tom, Dick, Nuffy, or Suze Orman can accomplish that with both hands and at least one knee tied behind their clavicle! This program will double that with an extra 1/2 free. In fact, I promise not only to make you 10 and 1/2 times better than your original 1 times self, but 10 and 1/2 times better than your 5 time betterness self!! That's (takes out calculator) 52.5 TIMES BETTER!!!!!!!!!!1/2

So e-mail me at 10.5timesbetter@trumpsweasels.com and find out how you can go above and beyond five times better into a ten and 1/2 times betterness wonderland!!! Did I mention wheat is involved?!?!?!

*Offer void where prohibited. Mail order brides and special laxative not available in N.Y., Kansas, Oregon, Hawaii, Alaska, Florida, Tiera del Fuego, The British Commonwealth, and certain parts of Mars.

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