It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Five Times Better -- Phase One

People seem very dissatisfied with motion pictures from Hollywood these days. When they go and see a film, they tend to nitpick and groan about certain scenes. For example, they might say, "Why did there have to be giant head-eating slugs in King Kong? And why did they have to eat that one-eyed guy with their giant creepy flesh-mouths?" And so instead of 100% enjoying every single motion picture they ever see from first scene to last, they find things not to like, they whine, they disagree with certain cinematographic choices, they leave not-completely-satisfied. They hide from crummy scenes and poor acting behind a seventy three gallon barrel of oil-soaked popcorn. Well, tea and biscuits, people, that's no way to achieve the high status of Five Times Better! Keep on your current track, and you'll be lucky to approach One Time Better, you bunch of rubes!

A Five Times Better person has a five times better experience at the motion pictures than the average person, so every single movie becomes a glorious cornucopia of perfect experiences.
How do we achieve this, especially in light of remakes of The Poseidon Adventure, where the Shelly Winters character is played by Kurt Russell, or endless computer animated movies about zoo animals wanting to be free (Madagascar, Over the Hedge, Milton Tastes like Meat, Donkey Jones On A Rampage, Oliver Cromwell and Orson Welles the Escaping Pygmy Hippos) or movies based on video games (Doom, Silent Hill, Pac-Man Burns People, Frogger and the Amazing Gun Rampage).

You achieve it by a form of mental projection, where you impose your own dialogue and visions upon the movie screen, thereby filling in the gaps to make every movie the sacredest best movie in the history of time. So you can sit there in your One Time Betterness and pick apart the flaws and bad dialogue, dribbling Junior Mint juice from swollen hate-lips while whispering Roger Ebert-style grotesqueries. Meanwhile, the Five Times Better person will be floating in a golden sea of cereal-flavored joy.

This is Phase One, people. If you can't perfectly enjoy every scene of every movie ever made, emotionally rolling about in salty excitement as if inside a giant vat of warm lima beans, then you are never going to multiply your betterness beyond one. When other people see and hear angry Kurt Russell, with sweat beading on his concrete-ish forehead, drawl, "That giant wave is not going to destroy us here today! We're getting off this upside down boat if it's the last thing we ever do! Giant rogue ocean wave, I'm coming for you, and you're gonna die!" the Five Times Better person sees instead a young Orson Welles riding the waves on Rosebud. When a One Time Better person sees The Rock wielding a gigantic gun and shooting fourteen eyed latex-face aliens while his pants are slowly falling off, a Five Times Better person sees instead free ten dollar bills floating out of the screen and into his pocket.

Don't you get it? This is Phase One of the Five Times Better program! And the only way to begin the process is to go and see so-called, quote-unquote, "terrible movies" and to make them, to force them, to reimagine them into the bestest, most perfectest motion pictures in the whole entire history of human civilization. If you can't do this, you might as well just go home and crawl under the bed and encase yourself in cobwebs and transform into a butterfly and then break out of the cobweb cocoon and fly away to a perfecter galaxy where the flowers give off a pale light and the grass is made out of candy.

There, I said it. I know I stepped on toes, but it had to be done, for your sake, for humanity, for Betterness, for the world.

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