This is a Paid Commercial Advertisement

The following is a paid commercial advertisement:


The dream of a thousand generations of humanity have arrived, and, yes, your hope is within reach! Now, at last, you, too, can be five times better! For centuries upon decades, people of every stripe and creed have had one united desire: to become five times better! But nobody has been able to achieve this goal. Shree Ghupta Ghee managed to become two and a half times better in the middle of the seventeenth century, yes, and some say that Ron Popeil is approaching three times better. But all of these accomplishments fall way below the mark, leaving us all soaking in the bath of disappointment.

Now, at last, like the thunder that proceeds from the eastern sky unto the western sky, the possibility of becoming Five Times Better is here! Nuffy Noe, after many dozens of man hours of study and research, has stumbled upon the secret of becoming NOT one time better or two times better, not even three times better, and NO not merely four times better but FIVE, count 'em, FIVE TIMES BETTER!

Some of you might read this and naturally conclude, "Oh, he's in this for the money," and that's just a disgusting lie from the pits of Sin. Don't make me sit here and hate you for lying about me! I am NOT in this for the money. A person that has become Five Times Better does not need money from the likes of you people. I have Five Times the resources of other people for the obtaining of items which I need. Thus, the use of money is highly optional for me.

I just feel a deep-sinking need to share with you the secrets of becoming Five Times Better. I promise it doesn't involve Thetans or mysterious floating objects. It just involves a rigorous pursuit of particular news items and celebrity gossip and unkind satire. Are you ready to sign up for the Dream of All Mankind? Are you ready to put your Reginald Hancock on the dotted line of the Contract to Become Five Times Better? I know I sure am, and I already did, because here I am being Five Times Better than you even as we speak.

Let go of all the sort of mysterious unpleasantness that is hovering 'round about the head parts of you and get in the Boat, the secrety boat in the River of Possibility which is on its way to the land of Five Times Better!

The Preceeding was a Paid Commercial Advertisement for Five Times Better.