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Friday, May 12, 2006

BOORRRINNGGG: Da Vinci Code Disappoints

Just like about every movie that comes from a previously released novel, The Da Vinci Code starring Tom Hanks' wacky hairdo, disappoints due to its predisposition to using the source material for the main plot. Boorrringg!!!! Come on folks can't we liven books like this up a little, maybe add a good natured robot from some far off planet who wishes to save the earth from a environmental catastrophe or a flying lizard or something. For a work of fiction, and let's remember that's all it is, this movie left me feeling likeI wasted my money on hair straightener for Tom Hanks.

In regards to shaking things up I feel it is up to us at DOUI to reach out to Hollywood and try and help them. I understand that when you are making movies all the time, things can get a little stale and you get stuck in a rut. Fear not, young Hollywood liberals for we here at the blog wish nothing more than the best for you and so it is with great pleasure that we give you the fruits of our labor: (fanfare) The DE Vito Code. The De Vito Code is the story of Danny DeVito and his search for meaning in the menu at T.G.I.Fridays. Enjoy a scene from the new movie.

Int. Night T.G.I.Fridays

We see Danny enter the restaurant and approach the front table.

Seater: Good evening sir, how can I help you.

Danny: A table for one please.

Seater: Of course sir, would you like a booster seat?

Danny: What?! I'm not a kid here, just get me a seat.

Seater: Yes sir, walk this way.

Danny: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need a booster seat.

The seater takes Danny to his seat and leaves him with his menu.

Seater: Your waiter will be right with you.

As Danny studies the menu we see the letters suddenly come off the page and begin spinning in the air in front of him. Certain letters light up as he looks at them spelling out: COME ON DANNY, YOU KNOW YOU REALLY WANTED A ROOTIE TOOTIE FRESH & FRUITY AT IHOP.

Danny: Jeez, I never should have taken that LSD before coming here. Dis is freaky.

Waiter (Warwick Davis): What can I getcha, sir?

Danny: (confused) Uh, do you guys have anything like the Rootie Tootie Fresh & Fruity at IHOP?

Waiter: What are you on man?

Danny: Nevermind, just get me a Tuscan Spinach Dip and some Buffalo Wings.

Waiter: OK, that's one Jack Daniel's sampler and an order of pot stickers.

Danny: Huh, I said Tuscan Spinach Dip and Buff...

Waiter: (interrupting) spinulo de tutti de frostino seniori?

Danny: What?

Waiter: I said, have you tried the stuffed scallops, they're really remarkable.

Suddenly Warwick Davis levitates in the air and flies into the kitchen returning a few moments later with the roasted head of a pig on a large platter.

Waiter: There you go sir, one Rootie Tootie Fresh & Fruity like you wanted.

Danny: I gotta get some air, I feel light-headed.

Danny runs to the front of the restaurant and crashes through a large window.

A cook (Verne Troyer (Mini-me from Austin Powers)) comes out of the kitchen.

Cook: What's wrong with that guy?

Waiter: Let me count the ways. What a freak.

Fin - followed by closing titles to include: Dedicated to the memory of Jorge Carlito Viejo.

Now that's how you do it. None of this, bottle of hair straightener/follow the book nonsense, you've got to give the people what they want. Lots of dwarfs acting weird with just a tinge of surrealism into the mix, that's what the movie going audience is looking for these days and don't you forget it.

Ratings

The Da Vinci Code: D-

The De Vito Code: A+

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