Stew's New Computer - The Real Story

I know that many of you were taken in by Stew's protestations that his new computer will be a relic of ancient days, when the Internet was young and Tom Cruise was still considered sane by 35% of the population. However, I happen to know that Stew's computer will be a monster-power-user machine. Not only will it have it's own special operating system that utilises artificial intelligence (much like my own), but it will be able to warp the fabric of time and space, allowing Stew to go into the future and then come back and make some pretty funny predictions, all of which will turn out to be true. (Fabio goes bald? Cameron Diaz marries Pauly Shore? Howard Dean becomes a yoga instructor? Amazing!)

Anyway, here is the real picture of Stew's artificially intelligent, time-warping PC.




















Oops, actually it's this one.





















A beaut, isn't it. It also comes with the following accutrements:

• Type-to-voice synthesizer in a choice of 100 voices, including Cher, Kurt Russell, Howie Mandel, Jimmy Walker, Jim Carrey, Dr. Ruth, Cedric the Entertainer, Gallagher, James Earl Jones, and Fernando Lamas.
• Microwave oven
• Special "Total War" combat guide
• GPS tracking that can locate bacon in 1000 miles of the PC. Can also be set to find golf courses, BBQ restaurants, and Cameron Diaz.
• Toaster
• Cuisinart
• Batphone
• Gary Coleman (some assembly required)

So, be sure and congratulate Stew. Just be aware that his supercomputer can track you down to whatever cave you're e-mailing from and fill it with 10,000 volts. So be nice!