It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Maybe he'll accidentally shoot himself?

Apparently, notorious terrorist and murderer Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is a bit more incompetent on the battlefield than he makes himself out to be. According to several sources, outtakes from Zarqawi's recently released video message to would-be jihadis contains a scene where his automatic rifle jams and he can't get it fixed without help, and also a shot where one of his associates takes the weapon by grabbing it by the hot barrel shortly after it's been fired. Also, he apparently prefers New Balance running shoes. I suppose the Glorious Caliphate brand sneakers, with the scimitar swoosh, aren't as comfortable as the Al-Jazeera adverts make them out to be.

Obviously, given the number of civilian and military deaths Zarqawi and his ilk have inflicted on Iraqi, U.S., and others, their ability to do harm is no laughing matter.

However, as they are a bunch of murdering, heartless, vicious blaggards, we should do all we can to mercilessly ridicule them. By we, I mean Stew, Juan, Zimpter, and I. If CENTCOM gets a glimpse of them, by all means fire away, make jokes later.

So, in that vein, I hunted down "additional footage" of Zarqawi and discovered that the man is a walking blooper reel.

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Outtake 272

Translated from the Arabic -

(Zarqawi is standing in front of the camera holding an uzi. Several thuggish associates are behind him holding weapons.)

Zarqawi: We will destroy the occupiers and their Zionist pig agents! We will fill the streets with their blood and entrails and... their blood and entrails and... (long pause) Line?

Off-Screen Associate Thug 1: (Whispered) ...defile their whores and cattle.

Zarqawi: (Confidently) Defile their whores and cattle! That is what we will do to them! Yes!

Off-Screen Associate Thug 2: (Whispered) Do you know you're holding a Zionist-made weapon?

Zarqawi: What?

O.S.A.T. 2: (Whispered) A Zionist weapon. That Uzi, it was made by the Jews.

Zarqawi: By the who?

O.S.A.T. 2: By the...

(Zarqawi shoots Off-Screen Associate Thug 2 dead.)

Zarqawi: By the Druze! I think that is what you mean!

(He walks away from the camera angrily)

Zarqawi: (Shouting in background) Where is Jameel the prop-man?! He gave me this weapon! Someone go and cut his %$#&!$... (audio unintelligible).

**********

Outtake 461

Translated from the Arabic -

(Zarqawi is standing in front of the camera holding an AK-47 with a large sticker on the butt of the weapon that says in Arabic "This weapon not manufactured by Jews." Several thuggish associates are behind him holding weapons.)

Zarqawi: (Off-screen) Do you really think I look like the Terminator?

Off-Screen Associate Thug #13: (Whispered) We're rolling!

Zarqawi: Oh! (To camera) This week, we will drown the Zionist, devil, oppressor, occupier, stupid gits in their own blood and spittle! We will fill them full of lead and burn them alive on giant George Foreman grills in their fancy Nike Michael Jordan footwear! (Shoots gun in an apparently celebratory manner.)

(Zarqawi loses control of the weapon and begins to spin around wildly. In the process he takes out several of his thuggish associates and the cameraman. The camera falls to the ground, leaving only a shot of Zarqawi's New Balance clad feet staggering around from the force of the weapon. The firing stops and the feet stand still.)

Voice of Zarqawi: Yasser! Ali! Jamal! Frank! Why didn't you duck?!?

Voice of Off-Screen Associate Thug #27: Hey, do they get their 72 virgins if you're the one who killed them?

(A single gunshot)

Zarqawi: Go and find out, idiot!!

**********

All right, I readily admit it's not all the light fun of a Star Trek: The Original Series blooper reel. Still, maybe Zarqawi will take himself out one of these days? I think a lot of people would pay big for that footage.

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