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Friday, May 05, 2006

Miller's Movie Mania

I referenced my new computer in a very humorous (if I do say so myself, and I must because no once else did) posting to our blog recently. I've hit a snag in getting it going as I have been unable to find any printer ribbons for my new Tandy DMP-133 dot-matrix printer. Don't worry though I have my wife working on the problem as we speak.

Anyway, today I come to you with yet another pointless confession. I really haven't been up on the latest movie offerings and have neglected even reviewing any new movies for weeks. With that off my chest, I want to bring you a review of Tom Cruise latest spectacle: M:I-III (or as it's known to its fans: M:Eye-EyeEyeEye), although I'm afraid I am too uninformed to make it any good. The movie is of course a sequel to Mission Impossible and M:Eye-EyeEye, the runaway success starring Tom Cruise when people could stand him.

M:Eye-EyeEyeEye is the story of Tom Cruise, as Ethan Hunt, who tries to convince Philip Seymour Hoffman, as a much better actor, that eating the placenta of your newborn child is a good idea. Mr. Hoffman decides instead to act completely over-the-top in the movie, in hopes of never having to act opposite Cruise again. We don't know if he's successful because there may be some sort of contract provision he doesn't know about. Cruise then proceeds to kill a lot of people and blow a lot of things up, which may include Ving Rhames but we all hope not because people DO like him. This isn't part of the movie this is just something I think Cruise might do if Mr. Seymour Hoffman crosses him because, hey, you don't cross Tom Cruise.

The movie then proceeds to Vienna, Austria because that sounded like a good place to me, where Cruise takes on a mystery guest villain. The mystery villain turns out to be Peter Graves who cocks his eye at Cruise until he is rendered an unrecognizable pulp.

After this meeting Peter Graves takes over Tom Cruise's persona and ends up on Oprah about once every three months talking about his love for Katie Holmes. This, however, turns out to be rather unsettling as Peter Graves is 108 and keeps asking to see Oprah's knickers. Graves is banned from the show and sent back to the Hollywood Actors Retirement Center in Pico Rivera, CA.

That's really all I know about the film at this point so if you want to go see a randy old centarian making jokes about gladiators, be my guest. I'm going to go see The Da Vinci Code. Be watching for that review next week, it ought to be a lulu.


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