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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Blainely Looney


I would have to agree that David Blaine is as daft as they come. That said, the bloke recognises that he is at least entertainingly looney, as opposed to certain Scientologists we all know and Katie Holmes loves. (Yes, God loves him too, in case you all were wondering. We love him too, in the way that you love your crazy old uncle who babbles like a loon and provides you with great stories to tell the neighbors when he's not looking.)

So entertainment clearly is a part of the madness. And money. Don't forget money. I seriously doubt David would do all this just as a hobby.

(If anyone at ABC is reading this, I will myself happily blog from within a glass box for seven days straight, wearing nothing but my Arsenal "Last Year at Highbury" commemorative jersey and a pair of vaguely translucent shorts, for anywhere near the money Blaine gets for living in a fishbowl. However, I will require a private restroom as I have no intention of urinating in a tube, especially with ladies watching, and whilst wearing vaguely translucent shorts. Back to the post.)
In addition, Blaine is letting researchers at Yale University study his body to determine the effects of prolonged exposure underwater on the human physique, and also to discover what part of the human brain dreams up death-defying, goofy, made-for ABC stunts like this. That's only because Evel Kneivel and David Copperfield declined to participate in the study themselves. Of course, the only thing Copperfield ever did that was actually death-defying was to break up with Claudia Schiffer.

Anyway, since the people at Yale think that entertainment can be practical, please allow me to add to your list with some potentially practical suggestions for future Blaine stunts.

  • Stand in a bulletproof glass box between members of Fatah, Hamas, and the Israeli Government to determine the effects of trained illusionists on people who would like to chew each others' faces off.
  • Sell beer to English, German, and Dutch fans before World Cup games in Germany, and then walk by the match venues speaking in an exagerrated French accent. This will allow sociologists to determine which of those three nations despise the French the most. It will also provide a helpful travel advisory to French citizens as to which of the three nations to avoid on holiday. (My guess: Holland. Plus, those wooden shoes could rack you up a treat.)
  • Handle Help Desk calls for Microsoft's newest version of Windows. This will demonstrate to Bill Gates that even a highly trained illusionist can not hide the flaws in his products. Also, I'm curious to see David do his mind-reading bit over the phone.
  • Live for one month on the set of Big Brother. I'm hoping he can make all of those contestants disappear. That might not benefit science, but television will improve immensely.


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