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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

No Joy in Blaine-ville.


Lunatic stuntman and guy voted most likely to kill himself before age 30 by his high school class, David Blaine, has failed to hold his breath as long as it took Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr to consumate their marriage. (Sorry, I've had to interrupt this post because I have just been awarded the prestigious Longest Opening Line in a Blog by Publishers Clearing House. Thank you, I couldn't have done it without David Blaine, Tom Arnold, and Roseanne Barr. I love you guys.) Anyway, the crazy nut does become the seventh person to hold his breath over seven minutes, without being in an elevator where someone has cut one loose. Something to be proud of indeed.

What will David Blaine attempt next? How will this death defying looney toon cheat the grim reaper in the future? The possibilities may trouble you, humor you, or bore you. I'll just have to take that chance.

  • Blaine will be hung upside down in a vat of grape jelly and must eat his way to the top with only a box of stale Ritz Crackers and some seltzer water.
  • Blaine will eat the placenta of his newborn child. (Sorry, this is just a joke as nobody in his right mind would do that...on purpose.)
  • David will have to work as a manager at Hermes and must throw out Oprah Winfrey at closing time. Will he survive?
  • Blaine will be given palm tree climbing lessons from Keith Richards.
  • Blaine will become a Washington DC reporter working at the Pentagon and will have to ask Donald Rumsfeld, "Where are the WMDs, Rummy?"
  • David will have to get in a car with Ted Kennedy driving and Patrick Kennedy navigating. "David, let's paaak the caaa in the Rose Gaaaaden."
  • Blaine will be forced to act opposite Lindsey Lohan and face the chance of never being seen or heard from again.

Actually that last one would probably be the best thing for his health. Mine too.

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