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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Palestinian Militants Agree to Work Together

Representatives of Palestinian militant factions Fatah and Hamas agreed to stop attacking one another in the Gaza Strip.

Hamas military chief Jamaal Aboutaviolence told reporters, "We have been wasting too much time engaging in pointless violence with one another. We must turn our energies towards something more productive and lasting: Killing the Jews as fast as we can."

Fatah representative Imaalla Fordadough agreed. "Killing each other is a waste of time. Slowly destroying Israel through the process of intimidation, discord, and terror; that is violence with a point. Plus, we have members who really get into that sort of thing."

To cement the deal, the two factions plan to launch a competetive endeavor to see which faction can blow themselves up the fastest in Israeli discotheques, using the perverse logic that everyone, even most Israelis, hates disco. Both factions agree that the continued withholding of foreign funds from the Palestinian Authority would be an obstacle to this, in that plastic explosives and radical Islamic brainwashing regimens are very expensive these days with the demand being so high. However, they said they would be as creative as it takes in reaching their goals.

"It will be like one of your western fraternity competitions, yes?" said Fordadough. "If we run out of real explosives, we can use petrol cans and light our flatulence. We will not let those butchers Hamas outbrutalize us."

"We are very resourceful," said Aboutaviolence. "We've had to be with Fatah diverting all the fiscal resources to Chairman Arafat's Swiss bank account, the greedy swine."

With that the news conference ended in a gunbattle between the two spokesmen, until they ran out of bullets 30 seconds later. At least one journalist was wounded by a flying gun butt. Another was temporarily blinded by spittle froth.

An Israeli security official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, indicated that, despite a few glitches, their current strategy of letting Hamas and Fatah beat the hell out of each other was going swimmingly.


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