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Sunday, May 14, 2006

DaVinci Code Madness

Stew...Sorry it's taken me so long to chime in, but I was having to fight my way through a throng of Dan Brown's admirers outside a local cinema on my way home from MI:III. These subservient agents are members of a cabal known as "Opie Dan", who as it just so happens are planning to take over the world and impose their very own brand of religion on us, one that apparently involves a lot of heresy and graphic R-rated sex and violence. Of course, producers can't wait to adapt the story to film and plan to cast Cameron Diaz as "Naked Woman #3."

As I understand it, the dark, secretive, and historically documented (by someone who claims to have been every bit as dilligent and accurate as Mr. Brown) story of this mysterious sect goes all the way back to 38 AD when a branch of Judas' family, quite upset at the fallen apostle's black sheep reputation, decided to start spreading rumours that Christ was married to Mary Magdalene, Paul was a secret agent of the Carthaginians, Peter wore Roman-made sandals, and Matthew liked to eat his soup with dessert spoon.

The organization Opie Dan was formed, "Opie Dan" being Aramaic for "make up a lot of nonsense and get stinking rich," and they swore that they would do just that, even if it took nearly 2000 years and the worst mullet Tom Hanks has ever sported.

This organization managed to genetically engineer an author who would cement their story in popular crackpot-conspiracy theory-literature, and the original of the man who we now know as Dan Brown was in fact created in 1503 and went by the name Nostradamus. He wrote several best-sellers, including the famous Vague Predictions About Men with Tiny Mustaches. Many people say that book is about Hitler, but it's hard to reconcile that conclusion with the passages describing his funny walking cane and penchant for eating boiled shoestrings like spaghetti. There is also as strange prediction about a man known as "Gump" with an unusual hairstyle.

Nostradamus, or "The Dan" as he was known to this cult, was cloned again in 1736, where he took the name Betty and had a really difficult time getting people to buy into his tall tales, because it was the Enlightenment, and most people didn't go in for that kind of B.S. Anyway, Betty had an affair with Thomas Jefferson, and then died in penury, which is a suburb of Luton. Strangely, Betty had a pet mullusk named "Tom Hanks." (Mullusk...mullet... more than just a coincidence!)

Finally, sometime at the beginning of this century, the latest Dan Brown was cloned and given the insidious moniker of "Dan Brown." Not only was he charged with writing the entertaining load of tripe known as The DaVinci Code and ensuring Tom Hanks hairstylist had a steady supply of mescaline, but he was also mysteriously present at a number of key twentieth century events. Strangely enough, he was occasionally mistaken for Joe Garagiola. Below is photographic evidence of Mr. Brown's mysterious ability to turn up where tragedy, scandal, and a chance for large book sales occurs:


Dan turns up in New Jersey when the Hindenburg goes up in flames.

Dan was also present when Lee Harvey Oswald was shot.

Dan was even photographed aboard the Titanic, just hours before its tragic demise.

Finally, and most damning of all, Dan turns up on the deck of the ill-fated S.S. Poseidon, the morning before she turned over.

Clearly, this man and his diabolical organization must be stopped (especially if Kurt Russell is to survive the remake of Poseidon)! Obviously, his plans to spread unsubstantiated rumours about Jesus and New Testament authors (and their footwear) is bearing its devious fruit, even as I write this. What's next? The Apostle John wore Birkenstocks?


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