It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Explanations that are Five Times Better

The following is a paid commercial explanation of a paid commercial advertisement:

All across the fruited plain, confusion has ensued at my use of the phrase "paid commercial advertisement." The public is clamoring for an explanation. Other people are sort of wandering around with ideas popping off like rockets from the brain part of their heads, as they plunge into the deduction pond. Who paid me, they wonder? Why does a Dictionary, of all things, need to pay advertisers when everything is so much better in the state of being wherein it is without paid commercial advertisements?

Look, you're all thinking without the benefit of being Five Times Better! So just take a deep breath, take another deep breath and then take another one, sit down in the softest chair in the history of time, button up your suit, loosen your tie, and enter a trance-like state as I explain. In the mindset of a person who is Five Times Better, the concept of being paid cash money to tell people about becoming not one, not merely two, certainly not only three, and not just four, but five, count 'em, Five Times Better is an alien and a Martian concept beyond bearing. I don't operate in the realm of getting money from people to tell other people about some kind of stuff so they will in turn put money back unto me for telling them about it. I don't need any such garbage, see, because I am Five Times Better. Think for a moment about how much better you are. Picture it in your head. Envision it as if it were a painting by Rembrandt hovering just beyond reach, a painting called "How Much Better You Are." Now multiply that Betterness by a factor of Five. Yes, that's how much better I am.

Anyway, so my use of the phrase "paid commercial advertisement" was actually a borrowed line of dialogue from the movie "Angry Answers for Str8 Trippin" starring Verne Troyer as Maxi-You the Gangstuh, who, in the pivotal scene where Kash Munny (played by Tyrone Power) and B'n Jah'mins (played by Ben Kingsley) go into City Hall and demand justice for the spilled brain materials of young Eyegot Shotte (played by Tim Curry) who in a previous scene is gunned down by government agents using a prototype weapon called the Armageddon Agenda, which fires a magnetized tube of radioactive glass that explodes upon impact, turning the target of the weapon into a melting fiend monster with glowing poisonous skin. Okay, wait, that sentence is too long. I got lost. Anyway, Verne Troyer, during the knife fight with Kash Munny, takes a bullet in the thigh and cries out, "That's a paid commercial advertisement," and stabs the villainous Tyrone Power in the very soul of his body.

So that's what I meant by "paid commercial advertisement." I hope that clears everything up. So please quit sending me harassing Hallmark cards. That is all. You may return to your attempt at becoming Five Times Better.

The preceeding was a paid commercial explanation of a paid commercial advertisement.

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