Five Times the Da Vinci

I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I had five times better fun than anyone else at a recent viewing of the Tom Hanks romantic comedy The Da Vinci Code, a laugh-out-loud excitement fest which revels in secrets and deep spiraling belly-laugh-inducing powerhouse performances. Tom Hanks, looking five times handsomer than he has ever looked with a flowing lion mane of hair and a jelly-sack-like jowl-tastic face, seethes with masculine intensity as he delves deeply into the seed-barrel of hidden church realities. Audrey Tatou is gorgeously French as she shimmers with an aura of blazing girlish delight that rolls over the audience like an ocean wave full of tiny pink dolphins. So many secrets are revealed, I think, that the rest of the non-Five-Times-Better audience suffered brain overload, and about halfway through the film, gave the appearance of being sleep.

But without further ado, here are the Five Best Scenes from The Da Vinci Code, in ascending order:

1) The scene in which Dr. Langston Smiles, professor of Symbology at Yale, cracks open an ostrich egg and finds the lost diary of Franzo Churchfiend floating in the yolk, all the while fending off a featherless albino hawk which is trying to eat his eyes out.

2) The climactic moment in which Professor John J. Poope smashes open the ceramic statue of Saint Daniel and locates the seven-layered code cube of Pope Opportunia IV which contains all the names of every person ever born and periodically gushes raw sewage from a spigot on one end.

3) The powerhouse Oscar Moment when Dr. Powderhammer Pants (Tom Hanks) flings the Cardinal of Notre Dame away from his lectern and screams, "Behold the hidden secrets of the Priorous Moon Council of the Zionic Statesmen! They have kept this truth from the world!" And his holds aloft the silvery sea hat of the bleeding sad hermit.

4) The amazing special effects laden lazer gun battle between the Catholic Cyborgs of the Opus Dei and the Magdalenite Armored Androids in the streets of Vatican City, where so many buildings and asphalt are disintegrated that the mechanical robot city beneath the Vatican is revealed.

5) The sword fight between Dr. Charles Sugars (Sir Ian McKellen) and the Pope on the Grand Canyon bridge, wherein the Pope slashes open Dr. Sugar's leg, revealing him to be a giant bundle of snakes wrapped in human skin as purple mucus-dripping fiend snakes gush out of the leg wound and attempt to devour the pope.

So many powerful scenes. I wish I could describe them all to you, but this whole movie runs together in my mind into one mushy picture of vague colors. It's like a painting where the wet paint all runs together into one streak of brownish filth. That's how good this movie was. Check it out.