Piercing Eyewear

A pair of ingenious, if sadistic eyewear makers have developed what they hope will be the newest craze in the piercing-fetish world: Pierced Glasses.

No, they aren't spectacles you attach by piercing the eyeball. Sorry if some of you out there got a little excited with anticipation. These glasses are only magnetically attached to a pair of "barbells" that pierce the bridge of the nose.

Now, for myself, the bridge of the nose is the most sensitive part of my body, after my spine and my "geewillickers." So, I have a great deal of difficulty imagining the market for a pair of these glasses outside of S&M lovers, people REALLY desperate for attention, and Michael Jackson, who is probably looking for something he hasn't done to his nose yet.

Nonetheless, if this is the future of eyewear and other personal accessories, I want to be in on it! At least I'd like to see a little of the financial action. I have no interest in personally driving a metal flange through someone's probiscous. I'll hire biker gangs to do that.

Anyway, I have a few ideas of my own for the next big thing for the trendy, pain-enjoying hipster:

• Natural Belt Loops - Having trouble with the old belt slipping down and giving you the William Shatner look? These belt loops are made from your own waistline. Simply slide the belt through them and no slippage at all! Comes in Bubonic Black, Retirement Home White, Scar Red, Belt-Blister Blue, Gangrene Green, and "Crayola Fleshtone" (Pasty Skinned Caucasian). Some sagging and stretching may occur after prolonged use... and chafing also. Not responsible for accidental self-piercing with belt buckle spoke.
• Shoulder Pads for Life - Are you a woman who loves the big, brassy, large shoulder pads look? Well now you can have them permanently, no matter what attire you may be wearing at any given time. These shoulder pads are permanently attached to your shoulders with high tension steel cable that is connected directly to your scapuli. The pads themselves are in a collection of sizes that can be switched in and out with ease. Going to a fancy party and want a big-shouldered look? Try size DDD (The Joan Collins)! Headed to the beach and want a supple, wiry look? Try size A (The Kate Moss)!
• The Necklace of Pain - Tired of trying to fasten that favourite necklace? This one is fastened to your spine surgically, at the base of the neck. Your spine and neck will shine in the splendour of this remarkable piece of jewelry. Furthermore, snatch and grab theives can't quickly rip off the necklace and make their getaway, as the necklaces have a core of 500 lb. test steel cable. Imagine the looks on their faces when they try...and on yours!!
• The Internal Ring - This ring doesn't simply wrap around your finger, it actually runs directly through your finger, bone and all! The result is a ring that really jumps off the finger with a 3-D effect that is stunning, and in a barfight lethal. Comes in Gold, Silver, and Mordor versions. Now this is really "one ring to bind them!" Not responsible for incompatibility with gloves and mittens.