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Monday, April 10, 2006

Masters fog slowly lifting

I didn't want to make Earl out to be a liar, which he isn't (at least that's what he told me), so I decided to chime in before the day was over. Now that Lefty has stashed away another million in winnings and a green jacket, I can proceed on with my life which has absolutely nothing to do with a million dollars or anything more than a green t-shirt that proudly states "Nothing runs like a Deere". Anyhow, today I have a different sort of dilemma brought upon me by the Yahoo entertainment section. Two plum topics are listed on their front page, the first being Thomas Dolby claiming that the incomparably lame Kevin Federline (or K-fed as the even more lame know him) has sampled his 80's hit 'She Blinded Me with Science' on his new album and the second being TOMKAT's announcment that their childs birth will be "silent". I would write about the first one but I can't decide what is more pathetic; Kevin Federline stealing melodies from Thomas Dolby, Thomas Dolby himself, or Kevin Federline himself. Perhaps Earl might have a way to attack that one.

The second article and the one that caught my eye is the silent birth nonsense brought to us by the couch jumper and his latest acolyte. The offbeat couple is receiving praise from fellow Scientologists for their desire to have their child in silence. Anyone who has had a child knows that the only way that would be possible is large doses of morphine. One of the more interesting quotes from the article came from Anne Archer:

"Everything that happens around you is still recorded just below one's consciousness level and words in particular; shouting things like 'push, push'; can sometimes have an adverse effect later in life," she said.

How might this affect young master Tomkat L. Ron Holmes Cruise?

The Oprah Winfrey Show - transcript

Apr. 21, 2032

Oprah: Hello dearies, old Oprah here again to bring you the latest? Our first guest today is the son of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who were lost at sea those many years ago while traveling on the "Freewinds" cruise ship. Welcome, Tomkat Cruise.

Tomkat: Thanks Oprah, it's good to be here.

Oprah: Tommy, you look just like your daddy. Ooo girl he sure was handsome. I'd let him jump on my couches anyday, what do you say ladies?


Oprah: Anyway, Tommy what do you think happened to your parents?

Tomkat: Well Oprah, I think when push came to shove, he was taken out by the anti-Scientologist movement started by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the two pushy animators.

Oprah: You mean when the great War of Enlightenment occurred?

Tomkat: That's right, when the followers of L. Ron Hubbard and our Kabbalah believing brothers took up arms against those who would oppress us and push mind-altering drugs on us.

Oprah: How have you overcome their loss?

Tomkat: (now jumping on the couch) Well, I have used many different methods to push their memories to a neutral corner of my brain allowing me to remember the good times we shared. It's really pushing the envelope Oprah.

Oprah: Do you have anything you'd like to share with our audience?

Tomkat: Yeah, in a few days I'm going to make the push to Los Angeles and meet with President Madonna and the Secretary of Enlightenment. We hope to start pushing our plans to launch the Freewinds 3 shuttle to Hubbard Moonbase as soon as possible.

Oprah: Thanks for the update Tomkat and tell Mr. Travolta I said hi. Goodnight and all hail to the Thetan movement.

I think I might try and push, push the thought out of my head now.


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