It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Cookbook of the Damned

I was reading through Stew's article on Dr. Mengele... excuse me, I mean Dr. Pianka (I get those Nazi names mixed up all the time) and judging from all the food references, I think it's only a matter of time before the daft old git comes out (wait for it) with a cookbook of some kind.

Ah yes, I can almost visualise it now, as though it were a television comedy dream sequence...

(Cue cheap special effect from television comedy dream sequence)

**********

Hemlock Society Books Presents -

Legendary sociopathic coot Dr. Eric Pianka's latest scholarly tome:
The Cookbook of the Damned

The last cookbook you'll ever need!

"Now this is catering!" - Osama Bin Laden

"Why'd I waste my time tinkering with Rube Goldberg contraptions of death, when I could have simply had people sit down for a tasty, yet lethal meal?" - Jack Kevorkian

"Anthrax, spamthrax...I should have invested in arsenic, truffles, and a finely honed madeira sauce! (pg. 47)" - Saddam Hussein

"I knew I should have made Dianetics a cookbook!" - L. Ron Hubbard

"While we in no way encourage or condone the use of this book, nevertheless it was a thrilling, titillating, masterful epic! Somebody get us a cold shower!" - The Texas Academy of Science

"I feel like an amateur." - Lucretia Borgia

Thrill to some of the most ingenious, once-in-your-life (for obvious reasons) culinary adventures ever created:

  • Chicken and Smallpox with a white wine and botulin vinegrette (pg. 21)
  • Strychnine Surprise ("Surprise! This has strychnine in it!") (pg. 78)
  • Dioxin Bisque (pg. 149)
  • Cyanide and Beans with Ebola Encrusted Cornbread for a down-home demise (pg. 987)
  • Cobra Venom infused Barbeque Pork Chops ("If the venom doesn't get you, the barbeque will!") (pg. 6,894)


(The taste quality of these dishes cannot be vouched for by Dr. Pianka, as he did not actually sample any of his own receipes. All taste and quality verification was handled by a highly qualified group of drifters, hermits, and hobos.)

Ever wonder what you might choose for your last meal? Well, there's no time like the present to find out! After all, the environment is counting on YOU to check out!

Bonus offer: For every 9 cookbooks you buy as gifts, receive Dr. Pianka's delightful advice reader, How to Rule in the Chaos After The Great Pandemic, a hilarious guide with great advice on picking up and exploiting desperate women, how to loot abandoned Wal-Marts, forming a cult and/or political dictatorship, and differentiating between the infected and non-infected.

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