It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Bacon that's good for you? I must be dreaming!


Actually, that second line is what Bond said when Ms. Galore told him her name in Goldfinger. Erm...I can't seem to remember the rest of the line now.

Still, when scientists tell us that bacon might one day be good for you, those of us who consider it to be the fourth food group (Breads and Grains, Fruits and Vegetables, Meats, Bacon) are as happy as clams on a welk. (No, that was not some kind of sexual reference. To be honest, I'm not sure what it means. It sounded rather happy at the time, though. I can see that brain-enhancing bacon can't come soon enough for some of us.)

Actually, I've been eating bacon as though it were healthy food for quite some time now. If I survive to 50, there's a slight chance I can undo the existing damage enough to reach 51. If not, I can at least live knowing that future bacon-lovers (NOT a sexual reference!) can enjoy this delicious smoked meat without personal risk to themselves or their aortas.

For those of you on kosher diets, I apologise for any distaste you may be feeling now. Please replace all references to "bacon" with the word "knish."

Surely then, this is only the start of a whole new trend in science to get the best out of the best tasting foods. After all, that's what science is really good at, isn't it? Predicting global warming? Call me back when you can tell me if it's going to rain or not for sure this weekend. Establishing personality through genetics? Why aren't any of these scientists looking for the "genetics geek" gene, hmmm? No, this, disease cures, better tasting pain relievers, and developing a Windows computer that won't crash are the primary good of science.

Since we're on about getting great-tasting food to have some actual benefit without losing the taste (Something scientists call the "Yuck factor" but that I call the "What's the bleedin' point factor."), I have a few more suggestions for directions these brilliant geniuses should be plowing their efforts into:

  • Bangers that take off the pounds as you eat
  • Fried Chicken that cleans out those clogged arteries
  • Ice cream that opens up the pores
  • Soda that doubles as petrol (We're not far off from that, I suspect.)
  • Fried chops that will stimulate hair growth (In the RIGHT places, mind you)
  • Bratwurst that teaches you foreign languages (and sauerkraut that enables you to write Kanji!)
  • Fish and Chips that will end potato blight
  • Beer that not only contributes to your heart healthiness but also will tie your shoelaces for you!
  • Donuts that steam clean your trousers (Is there anything they can't do? Yes, but modern science can fix that.)
  • Fettucine Alfredo that will do windows AND floors
  • Chicken Curry that can cure Tom Cruise's mental illness (A long shot, but for the good of humanity)
  • Doners that can do anesthesia-free surgery
  • A Flaky bar that will bring peace to the Middle East
  • Pizza that can solve Pi to a trillion digits
  • Kung Pao Chicken that will provide the developing world with a cheap source of power (Besides the flatulence)
  • Salt and Vinegar Crisps that will allow humans to travel beyond the speed of light
We stand on the threshold of a tasty new era in science, if only we can get these blokes and lasses to stop fiddling around with nonsense like Universal Field Theories and Human Genomes. Pudding that walks the dog and calculates your taxes...that's progress, mate!

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