April Fools' Day - Some help for the tradition

Well, another April Fools Day has come and gone. From what I could tell the tradition has pretty much gone down the loo like yesterday's curry. No one seems to care anymore about pranking anyone, or making up fake headlines, or engaging in petulant, juvenile gags designed to confuse people into shock and send them to hospital where the doctors and nurses will give them a placebo but say they accidentally prescribed LSD. What's the world come to?

Even Stew didn't so much as offer a single prank call, pretending to be George H. W. Bush looking to score babes, or Bill Clinton, inviting me to go on a skydiving outing.

I think I mixed those two up. No matter. The point is that people don't seem to care about April Fools' anymore.

I myself however, in addition to the rather obvious April Fools' post of yesterday, made at least one prank call to a country-western radio host, who also happens to be a friend. (Just for the record, neither of us cares that much for country and western music.) I made several requests, including "The Squirrel that Went to Church", "Chug-a-Lug", and finally, since he didn't have any of those, "Achy-Breaky-Heart" which is on most people's lists, including Billy Ray Cyrus, as one of the top 10 most awful songs ever (Just behind "Hello George" and "The Bird Is the Word"). My only regret is that I didn't request the Richard Harris version of "MacArthur Park." In hindsight though, it's probably just as well. Hearing that on the radio might have caused several hundred truck drivers' heads to have exploded, creating all sorts of carnage on highways in the area.

Yes, I used a funny voice.

Anyway, since the tradition of April Fools' Day has taken such a regrettable tumble, I've decided to offer some support for next year. I've divided these into 3 categories: Prank Calls, Fake Statements, and Joke Headlines. I hope you find them useful. Oh yes, I've been asked by F. Johnny Lee to point out that DOUI cannot be held legally responsible for any results of anyone actually employing these pranks, as they are for entertainment purposes only, just like American Pro Wrestling. You can put the revolver away now, F. Johnny.

PRANK CALLS

1. Call a radio station pretending to be another radio station. Tell the DJ that they are the "million dollar finalist" and that they'll win the big prize if they can answer the jackpot question. Then ask them an insoluable question, such as "What is the final prime number postulated in the Riemann Hypothesis?" or "What is the second variable in the Universal Field Theory?" Make loud tick-tocking noises in the background and then after about 5 seconds sound a horribly dissonant buzzer and say in your most obnoxious voice, "Sorry, the answer was '3'! LOSER!!" The weeping is priceless, not that I've ever done this. Never. Ever. That would be wrong.

2. Dial up the local telemarketing agency and try to sell them something. It doesn't matter what the product is. It only matters that you never give up, even if it takes hours. It could be a piece of belly-button lint. ("I don't think you realise how much this belly-button lint would change your life!") Use the following phrases repeatedly: "It's a one in a lifetime chance!" "This is a fabulous offer available only to our most trusted customers!" "This is a specially-recorded message from Tom Hanks!" At some point in the conversation, say, "I'm detective John Kimball!" Those who know what I'm talking can plainly see the value in this.

3. Dial a local political party and pretend to be a nationally recognized politician. Clinton and McCain are the easiest voices to do for blokes. The ladies can try Hillary Clinton or Condi Rice. Tell them you're coming in for a little visit and that you need the VIP treatment. Actually use the words "VIP Treatment." If you're doing Clinton, ask if there are any pretty girls between the ages of 18 and 25 who can come by the hotel room later to help "adjust your itenerary." If you're doing McCain, ask for something ridiculous, like a Hummer limo, and then explain in a slow, patient voice, like you were speaking to a very thick five year old. Refer to them as "Little Jimmy," even if the person on the phone is a woman. If you're a lady doing Hillary or Condi, be sure to include the phrase, "You just don't want to do this because I'm a woman don't you?" and also, "Was that a sexual remark? Please don't tell me you just made a sexual remark to me on the phone, you pig!" This last one confuses the hell out of elderly women volunteers.

FAKE STATEMENTS

1. Erm, had a little problem with your makeup today, did you?
2. Have you been eating black pepper, because it's all over your teeth?
3. Your thong is showing. Either that or someone's wedged a giant rubber band between your cheeks.
4. Wow, you're really calm for someone with a Black Widow spider on your nose.
5. You know, those pants look OK with the zipper wide open.
6. That drifter at the bar is eyeing you. Yeah, the one with the tic.
7. Forget to button up all the way today, did we?
8. Don't pay attention to what anyone else says, I think that bald spot makes you look distinguished.

JOKE HEADLINES

1. Scientists Discover that Donuts, Pizza, Beer, and Fried Food Promote Long Life AND Are Aphrodisiacs
2. Democrats and Republicans Form One Big Party, Vow to Screw Over Average Americans More Efficiently (For those in Britain simply replace with "Labour and Tories," and "Average Britons.")
3. Keith Richards Wins Olympic 100 Meter Dash, Says He Owes It All to Clean Living and Abstinence
4. Handlebar Moustaches Make Comeback
5. 95% of Women Find Pot Bellies Sexy, Other 5% Declared Stupid
6. Tom Cruise Named President of The American Psychological Association, Says There Will Be Sweeping Changes
7. Researchers Determine Butter to Actually Be Beneficial for Open Wounds
8. O.J. Finds Real Killers